The Time is Now

It would take me ages to write about what's going on in my life lately, so I'll simply make a recap on the situation with the girls. No sex still, but quite a lot of has happened, and not happened:

Bella:

It's dead. Seeing her again was disappointing. I still feel something for her, but something has changed in her perception of me. I don't know what it is. I think it might be the fact that I am moving, that she is going to the US for 6 months in March, or that she just isn't interested in me and that I misread the signals. I'm quite disappointed, at the same time it's better this way... I can't start something with a girl who won't be in the same place as me in the next year, and who might never be in the same place as me. Her future is clearly in this city (which I inadvertedly revealed in the last post but since edited) and mine isn't for now... even though I might return here in a few years. I'm bummed, but I accept it...

Clara #8:

Ran into her yesterday. It was completely unexpected. I was eating a sandwich and reading the paper in a sandwich joint, and I heard "B...?" I looked up and there she was with her glasses and work attire, and a co-worker (who was a shy looking harmless guy). It was strange but quite casual too. We said hi, kissed each other on the cheek, she asked me several questions, I answered, we did small talk mostly, and that lasted about 2-3 minutes and then we went on eating our sandwiches at respective tables which were close to each other. I continued reading my paper (pretending) and listened to her conversation with her colleague. The conversation was boring, completely ordinary, and somehow demystified her. She suddenly became very ordinary... she's now a typical boring office employee who has boring conversations about work and weekend plans with co-workers. After a few minutes I got my jacket, got up, kissed her goodbye on the cheeks, said it was nice seeing her again, she told me good luck with London, and that was that. While she seemed very ordinary, I would by lying if I said that I didn't feel some sort of pinch in the heart. She did still look cute, her laugh did still stir something in me, and at point I looked at her lips, which I always really liked, and pictured us having sex together. It's not love, it's temptation. She's a temptress, and I miss it, even if I'm so much better off without her.

I'm glad I got to see her in that way... I pictured running into her some day and having her ignore me completely or for the situation to be tense and awkward, but the casual nature of the encounter was pretty satisfying and I think I came across as very calm, unaffected by her presence, and even less embarrassed than her. I did think about her during the day a lot, and it revived a few emotions... but I'm good, I have moved on, and after 5 months I'm glad that I can run into her and not have it be an issue. She didn't mention the "First Class Bitch" bday card I sent her :)

Nina:

We still talk a whole lot to each other, even more than before. She is so great. We've really become good friends. I had lunch with her on Monday, and I keep her up to date with everything that's happening in my "love" life... and she's still great help and the person I seek advice from.

Sonja #6:

Texted me out of the blue yesterday apologizing for not writing earlier, and mentioned she'd like to see me again. She is married, she has a kid, so nothing planned there! But we did have sex back in the day, and I'm curious to see where her life is at these days...

Natasa:

A new name! A new story... and it's a very nice one. I met her 3 days before returning back home from London. It was very romantic. I met her sight seeing in the street, near Trafalgar Square... we spent the whole day together, walked miles and miles, took pictures, had coffee, went window shopping, talked a whole lot, and established chemistry right away. I dropped her off at Oxford Circus' tube station, with a promise that we would hook up again before leaving. She is Croatian and lives there, but was in London for a business trip. She is 26, slim, brown eyes and hair, olive toned skin, a beautiful smile, and a whole lot of charm. She is sooooo sweet and soooo nice and extremely sensitive. We're quite similar for a lot of things. She has a bit of an easter/slavic european innocence that's very endearing. We did meet again on our last day before taking our respective flights back home, and this time we kissed, and it was very romantic. We've been in constant touch since, and basically we're doing the long distance thing. I'm her boy, she's my girl, and we text each other all day long and goodnight every evening. We talk on the phone every other day, and longer on weekends. We are trying to find a way to spend a few days together before the end of the year. She works in a pharmaceutical firm in Zagreb and kills herself at work. From what I understand, she's the main provider in her family. She lives with her parents and brother, and I sense that she a lot on her shoulders to carry. She is the sweetest and nicest girl, and it scares me a little because should our relationship not work out, it will be devastating for her. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm afraid I will. I'm close to loving her, but I'm not used to being the Alpha male in a couple... until now I've only been with very proud and dominant women, not to say strong because underneath her fragility, Natasa is the strongest woman I've probably ever met. She grew up during war, she's probably seen things that no one should ever see or witness... but she goes on living and working her butt of and dreams of true love and happiness and she is full of life. I admire her so much already, and I want to make her happy. I think I can love her, I think something strong can happen here, but I don't know if I'm ready quite yet. I'll write more about all of this in the near future....

There is more to all of this, and there are more girls... Autumn has always been a good period for me. I bloom in Autumn... perhaps it's because of my scandinavian roots, or because I was born in the Fall... but something about the fresh air, the colors in the sky, the warm sweaters, etc... makes me feel at ease, at home. While many regret the end of summer and the arrival of the cold, I bloom.

I am a happy man right now, probably as happy as I've ever been... still there's a sadness there, or rather a sense of melancholy that remains, but it's part of who I am, and I believe it's a part of what makes me care a sensitive person, and a creative person. I still have a lot unanswered questions concerning my life, but right now I'm preparing to be 30, I'm preparing for 2008, I'm preparing for London, and I'm preparing for a new life, with a clean sheet.... and I really like that feeling.

Bliss

and back in -------- (home). Things have been amazing the last 10 days. I will write more about it soon, but right now I'm just living the moment, and sinking in the magical feeling that the present brings...

A Tease

Finally, finally, finally, had a little bit of a tease tonight.... some good flirting... some intense body 2 body movement, dancing, caressing, cuddling... no kiss, no sex, just a good good tease from a girl whom my friend Paulo warned me: is a cock tease. He was very right, she did not give in at all but the flirting was great, and the cuddling was even better. I came home a bit empty handed, but a bit satisfied to as it had been sooooo long since I had only just a tease... and a nice tease it was. Thank you Jelena.

Thoughts of the Night

I was hoping London would be filled with sex, and I've had none in the month that I've been here, but it's been a real surprise at how good I feel being here. It feels like home. I grew up in a city from which I don't originate from, I have therefore never felt completely at home there. I was born from a French mother and American father, and I now feel at home in London. It makes perfect sense, it's the right balance between both nations with a blend of people from all over the world around. Feels like home, because no one here is really home. No one is FROM London, even locals... they'll always tell you that they're from East London, or West London, or north of London, or a town close to London, or elsewhere in the UK: Birmingham, Manchester, Brighton, Portsmouth, etc... than you have the Irish, Scotts, Welsh, who insist they're absolutely not from London, and in the streets you hear French, German, Japanese, Arab, Polish, Russian, Chinese...
I love it.

I am looking fwd to coming to my current home (elsewhere in Europe) in a week. I miss my cat so much, it will be so comforting to see him again. Poor kitty will have to go through quarantine, but apparently the process can be made easier if I start taking care of it while I'm home. I also really look fwd to seeing Bella again (obviously). After a week of no-communication when it was actually my turn to give signs of life (advice from Nina to make her wait) I felt the urge to send her a text today while going to karaoke with my brother, nephew and a small group of friends. She replied at midnight saying that she envied me as she loves karaoke, and that she was looking fwd to hearing about it when i come back. Little things, little words that give me hope. I was tempted to overwrite to her, overshare my experience here, but not communicating too much, but quite regularly nonetheless has made it easier to enjoy my time here while not thinking too much about her, and about how I miss her. It's crazy to think that in my time away from home, which has been just a little over a month, She has left her boyfriend, the summer has left us for good (though today was spring like) and
I have almost completed a full screenplay (that project I've been writing about). It's even crazier to think that 2-3 months ago I was waking up each day thinking about ending my life as going through another day was a battle I didn't feel ready to face. It sounds absurd today, but at the time every second felt like a minute, and every minute felt like an hour.

I miss sex, but I'm not running after it. It will arrive. I feel calmer. Nina suggested I don't even contact Bella until I return, but I couldn't help myself and followed my instincts tonight. Nina's been a great coach. She understands the female mind very well, but at the same time she's always open to my interpretation and we end up finding a middle ground on what my next move should be. I IM her everytime I have a doubt about what my next move should be. Last week I was sulking because Bella had sent me a rather bland e-mail. Nina read it, reassured me right away, but told me to not answer until I come back "Let her desire you". It's silly, I don't agree with that concept, but I don't want to be pushy either so she's been good at keeping me in check. Making sure I don't do TOO much (which i sometimes tend to do and which freaks girls off it seems.) It doesn't feel like too much to me, but I guess it raises red flags in some girl's minds. One girl on Facebook wrote to me after a couple e-mail exchanges saying that she looovvveeed long e-mail and was so thrilled to find someone who liked that too and that if I were in Paris she would've invited me for tea right away, bla bla bla, etc, etc... It was almost tooo much but I was very pleased by her candid and honest comments and replied with a Long e-mail... Not too long but long. It wasn't rude or inapropriate, it was fine by my standards. She replied in 3 lines the next day saying "wow, that was one llooooong e-mail. bla bla bla ok i have to log off, this thing is really a disease!!" and i answered briefly a couple days later and since then Nada. Stupid online communication. Too many people to communicate with, too many platforms: IM, Social Networking, E-mail, Skype, Webcams, Poking, Photo Sharing, Blogging.... I'm addicted though. I wonder if I'll stop writing as soon as I have a gf. Tends to happen.
I'll probably write again as soon as problems arise in the couple... if I get to be in a couple again. Man it's been a long time.

Ok, again I failed to write about sex. I've been trying to check out "normal" sex on youporn.com. I'm tired of elaborate complicated positions with huge cocks and perfect blond shells with sweet asses. I simply want to see normal couples having sex and get turned on by those little details, moments, that make lovemaking an act of bliss and magic. Sounds cheesy doesn't it? I'll try to illustrate it with a link in the next post. For now it's back to bed. xx It's 3 fucking am.

Luckier back home?

Not much to say. Routine has set here in London, but I'm enjoying it. I'm moving fwd nicely on a project, and I'm taking baby steps to finding a full time job. I plan on moving here for good in January, and I'd like to have a full time job by spring at the latest. Might have to do temp jobs like giving French, German or Spanish lessons to people (I only know one of the 3) or find a clever way to make money otherwise. Seems that if you have some brains in this city there's a lot of money to be made because, well... there are a lot rich people around.

So with 10 days left in London before I return to the homeland, it's looking less and less likely that I will score some pussy while in the city. With Bella on my mind, I'm having a tough time really going for it. I'd much rather have someone come to me. It would make it all much easier.

I'm now thinking of what awaits me back home. For one, my cat Scratchy, whom I miss ohhh so much. Love that cat. I cried in my bed the other day because I felt so lonely, and in those times Scratchy usually comes and walks on me and then curls up against the back of my legs and sleeps or purrs. So cute. I cried for the first time in a long time. Felt like a slice of my dark days, which aren't far away. Amazing how things can change so quickly. I had small spurts of sadness sometimes, but I get back on my feet and feel good again almost instantly after. I hope this prevails. Anyway...

So yeah, back home my hopes lie on Bella of course, but I'm starting to realize that it's probably not going to work out for practical reasons, and I have a feeling that she will not want to jump into a relationship with the thought that we will be separated for a good part of the next year and probably beyond. It's sad really. If we do hit it off, one option would be to have her come spend 6 months in London to learn english in Britain rather than in the US, which is her plan as of now, but it would sort of defy the purpose of leaving in a country for 6 months where you know no one in order to immerse yourself in the local life and language in order to fully learn the language and get the most out of your time abroad. But maybe love will change that. Who knows, we're not even dating yet that I'm already thinking that far ahead. I can't help it, I really do have such a crush on this girl. She cut her hair short apparently. She says it's bizarre, but felt the need to do it. A cut from her past relationship maybe? Is this good for me? I'm eager to see what she looks like I have to say! I usually like long hair but I bet she's cute with shorter hair.

If things with Bella don't work out (and I'm going to know sooner than later because I'm not going to wait the eve on my return to London in January to make a move on her or tell her my true feeling towards her) there's my former colleague Scarlette, whom I haven't mentioned here I believe. I really had a crush on her, and we had met before I had actually begun working in the same company as her. She's very pretty and cute. Has the sweetest innocent good girl voice, but with that wild side in her which she just hasn't really shown to me yet, but that's most definitely there. We actually did have a date together. She even called it that. We met online, and the time she was going through a "break" with her BF. We hit it off online, then spent a lot of time on the phone, and finally we scheduled a date. It was right before I started seeing Clara. I felt that I had a good shot with her but she cooled off shortly after the date. I took it as a sign that I just wasn't her type physically, but that she liked me as a "friend". We were friends a while while she was in-and-out of her relationship with her BF, and while I was in-and-out of my own relationship with Clara. Finally, I quit my job because of depression, and our contact after that was minimal (though she was one of the first to contact me to know what had happened to me and to check on how I was doing). I haven't seen her since work, but we've e-mailed a bit. Finally, I stopped hearing from her altogether and felt no need to be pushy and contact her again. But just last week she connected to me on Facebook. I wrote to her, asking how she was, filling her in on what I've been up to, and she replied instantly saying that she apologized for not giving any news recently, and that apparently her BF was jealous of me ???? and that she had just broken up with him. WTF? Jealous of me? I never even kissed the girl, or had an intimate moment (though our harmless date was nice but ultimately inconclusive). I guess she must've mentioned me or that he knew that we were buddies at work or online or something. Very strange. Anyway, she said that we had a lot to talk about, and proposed that we have some food, wine and maybe smoke a joint one evening to talk about it all. Hello?? I still don't think she digs me in that kind of way, but I'm all for an evening like that, and who knows... It's nice not expecting anything because sometimes it's in those moments that somethings happens, but I can't think about that or I'll jinx it. Anyway, this is just a nice thought in case things with Bella don't work out. Let it be known, my #1 girl is Bella, I'm crazy about her! But it's nice to know that other people might like you too. If that fails, I'm doing a move on Shannon. She bores me soooo much. Can't get anything out of her in our IMs. But I really feel like putting a move on her I stated previously. A nice shag would be nice with her. I'm convinced she won't go for it, but after one drunken night (and we've had many together) might just give it a shot. And if she pushes me back, well I won't insist (I'm not gonna rape the poor girl!) Ever since I got head butted by that moron and that she got in the middle of the scuffle I've been upset with her. It was a it of the last straw. Once again I was doing her a favor by driving her home after clubbing AND going for food before going home. And it all resulted in a little trip to the hospital for me. Had enough of it. We need to fuck or there's no point in acting like her fucking BF. I'm being a bit mean, but I don't really see what she's been doing for me, when I do a lot for her.

Pondering

Well, it looks like I won't be having sex during my stay here after all. You can never say never but I toned down the outings recently as I really maxed out the first couple weeks. I will try to go out this weekend and find biiiirds. I'm good at making first contact but I don't have that killer instinct it seems. Don't know why. Maybe girls are just good at flirting and then denying. Hmm, food for thought. I actually think i've been faced mostly with girls who are taken already, so they have this inner battle going and in the end they pull out before it becomes too "risqué".

Bella hasn't given sign of life in a few days. I can't get worked up about it, I shouldn't get worked up about it, I won't get worked up about it... but I think about it and sulk a bit... oh well. I really wonder what's going to happen when I return to the small city. I will be there until the end of the year and then I'm moving to London for good in Januray. At least, that's the plan. It would be dumb to start something in the small city, which might be the reason why Bella is sending a bit of a mixed message, + she is going to the US for 6 months in March, so realistically it can't really work for us, but damn it... I really really feel something strong for her.

I wonder who I'm going to have sex with next? Will it be someone I know, someone I don't know, someone that I will only see once, someone I will settle with, have a fling with, become fuck buddies with?? I have no clue. I just hope it will happen sooner than later because I'm going nuts here. I've been fantasizing about fucking siting down on a couch, with a girl on top, legs wrapped around my ass and hands on my shoulders. I'm holding her butt and she is moving her hips in and out of my cock while I follow the motion and direct her pumps with my hands. I feel the tip of her nipples brush my chest, and feel her waist against mine as she gets close to me and we kiss passionately while fucking. It's really hot. I want that!!!

Some Days are Better than Others...

...and this is not one of those days. Not a bad day by any means, but I'm feeling a little under the weather, that's all. As I've repeated over and over, I'm hopeful about a possible relationship with Bella, but I also have to be prepared that it might actually not happen. I've been doing a good job not thinking about it too much, but today for some reason I thought about her a lot, and just kinda fell lonely. I miss not having a girlfriend. I haven't had a real one since Maria two years ago. That's a fucking long time. As much as I talk about it, I'm not that much into going after chicks and getting laid. I'm more of the couple type, and it just makes me sad today that I'm single and that I like someone but that I'm not with her. Some days just are better than others...

New Readers

Thanks to very nice review from a great blog resource called sexy blogs I've noticed that my page has been getting many more hits in the last couple days. For all you knew readers out there, I recommend starting the blog from the start, as it recounts my sexual history from the start and contains more "sexual" content. While this blog is titled Sex at 29 it's mainly really a diary about my life, and much of it includes my thoughts on sex and love, etc. As mentioned on the right side section, sex related matters are written in purple in case you're just here to read the dirt :-)

Happy read and don't hesitate to comment! (positively or negatively or for suggestions on improving the site).

Weekend fun and Week to cum

This week I'm going to clean up my blog a little. I've been slacking in the "tags" and "purple explicit material" department, and I've almost totally given up on proofreading. Sloppy. I'm having such a good time in London that I'm not taking as much time blogging lately, but it's still something that I really enjoy and want to keep up. Blogging was very therapeutic to me when I was down and started Sex at 29, and now it's a bit of a reminder of how much better I feel, and it also allows me to express my doubts and updates on my personal life, mainly in regards to love/sex interests.

Here's a quick update:

I had an awesome weekend. Saw Prince on Thursday at the O2 which totally kicked ass. On Friday went to a dinner party with my two good London friends, Paulo and George, + my brother David and some of George's friends (kinda boring people but ok company) and we ate really good greek food and for the first time ever I smoked a joint with my brother! I was hiding the fact that I smoke sometimes to him, and absolutely did not suspect that he smoked a little too, but voilà at 29 and 32 we finally discover things about ourselves that we were hiding from each other!

Saturday had a long long walk with David in Town. He bought shirts and I just followed him pretty much. We had sushi at Yo Sushi and had a funny conversation with a French waitress. Had a killer workout at the gym after, and completely crashed in my bed in the evening. I managed to have a nice masturbating session in front of youporn.com before going to sleep. Saturday was also Bella's birthday (which I had learned about just one day before in a text msg from her!) so I texted her later Friday night to wish her a happy bday and because I was a bit high and quite smashed I wrote a slightly more daring message in which I said "23 kisses all over". She replied the next morning and thanked me for the nice msg. We're still very "prudent" in our exchanges. I toned down a little because there's no point in things getting more open while we're away from each other, and I think it might freak her out a bit, but we have had a couple nice messages to each other and about one e-mail per week.

Sunday I took it easy and in the evening went to Pamela's dinner party. I hadn't seen her in ages, so it was a bit of class reunion with me, her, Paulo and George (we all were in the same class in school in the small city. We had so many laughs talking about all the crazy things we did back then with teachers. It was such a wild bunch.

Today.... will do my usual routine of going to starbucks and working on my "projects". Tonight, seeing Ricky Gervais :-)

Crazy times! Maybe I'm having too much fun. I need to get serious again :-/

One thing that I am not getting is some ass. I'm really horny these days. Those days of my anti-depressants blocking my sex drive are long over. I want to jerk off just about all the time now, and I really cuz use a fuck, or a shag as they say here :) 120 days with no sex :-/ I'm scoring before going back to the small city. I have to! +, you guys need some good sex stories... it's been rather sexless around here in a while :-)

A Wiser Man

Hey Girls (I don't think any boys read this blog. If you do, make yourselves heard wankers ((see, I'm picking up on the brit lingo already!)) ) <----- abusive usage of parenthesisssieeis I know.

So as I said so excitingly in my last post, Bella broke up with her BF. It's half a surprise, she had been very vocal about their differences when we had our 4 hour date/thing last month, but at the time she had expressed her willingness to continue seeing him until she's off to the US in March for a 6 month period. That same evening she showed a clear interest in me. Women and their mixed messages, I tell you. I'm not taking the news of this split as a sign that she is opening up the door to me enter her life, but more as a sign that she wants more from a relationship than what she had with this dude, and my feeling is she doesn't want to rush anything, so I'm not going to jump right in and say "tada!" but instead maintain regular correspondence with her and when I return home in October, then we'll see what happens. I don't have a set plan right now. Having spent 3 weeks in London now I can say this: I really see myself living here, and working here. I like the lifestyle here, I like the people, I have friends and family here, and I'm close enough to home that I can come back at any time with a cheap easyjet flight. This might make a relationship with Bella complicated, but one thing has changed since I was back home in..... I have to find a name for home without revealing the name of the place cuz it's so small that I would lose all anonymity. If you want to know you can e-mail me, but I just don't want to reveal it out there to the blog world, even though I know that I have 4 faithful readers (thanks girls :) ). But anyway, when I was home I was feeling sorry for myself (remember that time?) and I was focusing too much on my love life, and my attraction for Bella. Now I'm focusing more on dealing with myself, on enjoying my own company and getting excited about future projects and finding a good gig. It's a big change for me. If something happens with Bella, it will, but it also only will if I'm in a good state of mind. Maria and I split up because Maria lost an interest in me because I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't happy with my job and life dreams. I lived through her, and I guess it wasn't a very comforting thing for her. She felt I had lost hope in my "dream" and could do so much better. I want to do better, and the rest will come. I really have an amazing attraction and feel for Bella, and I hope things do evolve to a point where we will be together, but I can't rush anything. I'm learning that every day, even if at times I feel very impatient. Anyway, can't wait to see her when I come back home.

120 days with no sex and counting :-)

Nina might come and visit with her BF if I move here. They'd like to see a football game, so it's something we could do + party a bit. Her BF and her are having sex again. I'm very happy for them. Her BF had issues that were making it hard for him to reveal himself sexually, but it seems like he's making progress on reaffirming his sexuality, something that he probably repressed for a long time.

I'm almost done with my cold. It was a nasty but short one. I need to make sure not to relapse, but staying home for 3 days with one hour daily walks outside and lots of fluids + no alcohol seems to have made wonders for me. I slept like a baby last night. Hadn't happened in ages.

I made 120$ in 1 month in online poker, playing about 3 hours per day. I steadily went from 10 to 120. At dinner I was telling my brother how I had mastered the HU (Head's up, one v. one poker) technique, and then before going to bed I lost 1, then 2, then 3 straight matchups. I was so frustrated that I went on more expensive tables and lost again. I lost a total of 8 straight matchups (some of which I should've won if it wasn't for total insults to the laws of probability) but lost all my 120$. I'm actually quite happy about that. I was wasting far too much time with this poker stuff, and much prefer playing in live tourneys everyonce in a while rather than being an online poker junkie, which I was slowly becoming and not even making much cash in the process. No money, no temptation to play. As easy as that.

Prince tonight. Can't wait. I'm gonna party like it's 1999!

Breaking News!

I'm sick as a dog, but that's the not the hot news. The big news is that BELLA AND HER BF HAVE SPLIT UP!!! This is huge. I hadn't heard from her in a week so i finally texted her and she told me that she was now single. Man. We've had brief exchanges by sms and e-mail today, and i will write to her more tomorrow. I'm psyched but really wary of fucking all of this up, so I will be very careful with my actions. First thing tomorrow I'm AIMing Nina to get her advice. So far her advice has been really helpful.

more to come soon :)

Weekend Blow Job

I really feel like getting a nice blow job this weekend. Nothing like cumming inside a girl's mouth kneeling in front of you. I'm horny as hell.

Girls Girls Girls

Still going good, and still very busy! Cut down a tad on the partying because I a bit overdid it last week but I still go out every day and spend hours walking. I've been more productive getting my portfolio going, and the notion that I will get a job that fits me well is seeming more like a definite possibility each day. It's very exciting, as I was feeling completely trapped in the smaller city. I'm still not set on moving to London for good, but I believe it could become a reality, and really be something good for me.

I've been reallllly horny the past few days. More about that lower.

Communication with Bella has been quite scarce. About an e-mail a week. She took 3 days to reply to my first e-mail, so I took 3 days to reply, and now we're on 3 days waiting for a reply. She's still in my heart, and sometimes at night I think of her and wish I could curl up against her and kiss her. I had a dream in which she made the first move and kissed me. I was quite sad when I woke up in the middle of the night, but got back to sleep eventually and had a very fine day after that.

Ashley sent me a semi-drunk facebook message last night in which she was saying how horny she was, and half apologizing for it, and being pretty funny. Haha. I think she digs me ;-) too bad she's in the US now, but Ashley is the type of girl that would be great to have as a gf, and the type of person I wouldn't want things to get weird with if we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together, Anyway she's in the US so it's not even an issue.

Still doing some great MSN sessions with Nina. She's a riot. We talk about sex pretty much everyday, and we've reached a point where we really have no barriers, we talk about everything and in great detail. It makes for pretty fascinating discoveries, and it's awesome to get a girl's perspective on the type of things they do to men to make them feel better about themselves in bed, or some of the things that girls really like and want, etc... Her BF finally made love to her the other night and it was very sweet apparently. She was very happy about that.

Shannon and I have been a bit in the cold. She's mad at me I think and bitches so much on MSN that it's becoming a real turn off. She wants me to devote most of my attention to her, but I'm not her fucking boyfriend!!! I talked to Nina about it and I suggested that the next time I go on one of our drunken night outs with Shannon that always ends up with me driving her home at 6am, I will put a move on her and absolutely go for it. It's a win-win situation. If she stops me than I can blame it on the alcohol and the fact that she's hot the next day, and if she accepts I can shag her rotten, and I really will not stop be shy about it... I'll be a total beast and it'll be hot and heavy! Probably do her doggystyle and grab her tits firmly while humping her. Might even jizz on her ass. At least that's my fantasy :) Frankly, not to be mean, but I don't give a shit if how she reacts after that. SHe's been breaking my balls lately and I've been her little man servant and I'm tired of it. Besides, I think she really needs a good fuck!!!

I absolutely have to fuck during this London trip. There are so many single girls around going for drinks in groups that the opportunities are there everywhere. Just got to find the right occasion, the right plan, etc... It'll happen, I just don't know when or how, but it will happen! My cock has been rock hard for hours at times, something that hasn't happened since my teenage years. I no longer have problems ejaculating, my system has adjusted to the meds for good. I can now fuck freely without the concern of not being able to cum. It's not so much for me (though it does feel great) but I don't like for my partner to feel like I can't get the job done, or that she doesn't feel like she can get the job done. Sarah and Maria worried about that when I was on meds before.

Back to online poker. I'm on a winning streak :) Things are definitely good these days.
xx

ps: By now Clara must've gotten the "First Class Bitch" birthday card :-) Can't tell you how satisfying it feels. I don't expect a reaction from her part, and I'm happy not to get any. For me it's the final chapter of a very painful experience, and I'm glad to about the way I could get closure on it.

Week 1 Recap

I arrived exactly a week ago in London. So far, it's been great. Expensive, but great. Living with David is pretty neat. He's very organized and tidy, which keeps me on my toes and allows me not to turn into a slob. We're in an area of the city that's ideally located, and the street my bro lives in is extremely charming and quiet.

Socially, it's been a blast. Two of my best friends moved to London a couple years ago: Paulo and George. Paulo is Brazilian but looks Indian. He's a super nice guy, and he loves to hit on women, but when he drinks too much he becomes overly affectionate and very touchy. It's very funny to watch how girls seem interested in him at first until he gets into grabbing mode. George is a true player. He has a girlfriend, but he's cheating on her big time. It's quite horrible, but as a friend George is amazing, and he was the one to contact my brother David and Paulo to try to convince me to come to London when I was in my dark phase.

Professionally, week one has been slow, but it's a conscious decision. I didn't want to get overly stressed out with the notion that I HAVE to find something right away. Being in London is already giving me more ideas about what I want to do, and it's allowed me to realize that there is a life outside my hometown, which is another European country that I won't divulge quite yet (but you can always e-mail me if you want to know). I did however set up a casual meet with a Creative Director on Wednesday who went to my College. Rather than ask him to give me a job, I'll try to pick his brain a little on how he got where he is, since we do have a pretty similar background as I found out looking at his Bio.

You know a blog entry wouldn't be a blog entry if I didn't mention girls or love, right? Well the one real positive thing here is that I have not been obsessing over it at all, simply because I'm enjoying being here, and I'm feeling motivated, busy, and the comes naturally. I did get an e-mail from Bella a couple days ago which disappointed me a little. I sent her a long (probably too long) e-mail a couple days before giving her an update on how things were going in London, and I also slipped in there how cool it has been to get to know her, that I feel we're on the same wave length, bla bla bla. It was unnecessary and it wasn't the right time to do it. She did not directly address it, so I believe she chose to ignore getting into that kind of talk, and instead gave me updates on what she was up to, and commented on a few things I told her about London. It was a nice e-mail, but it's the kind of message you get from a friend, not a potential partner... But! I think my reaction since has been very good. I didn't get down about it, instead I got realistic and acknowledged that forcing a connection is not going to bring me anywhere. I really feel something special for Bella, but for the time being we're friends and she has a boyfriend, and there's no reason for me force anything onto her. By now she must know how I feel about her, so if she feels the same (which I still think she does) she will send me the signals. Until then, I can only be patient and go about living, taking care of my life, my professional ambitions, and staying social.

In my next entry I will write about a Casino Charity Poker event I attended Thursday. It was pretty wild but fun. An interesting read hopefully.

Oh, one note of interest. Today is Clara (#8)'s birthday. She's turning 29. I hesitated about acknowledging it or not, and recently I thought "Fuck it" because she has been such a mean person, and even her "nice" messages or communications have been tainted with not so subtle mean remarks, like her last e-mail in which she said "you were right, I am striving for an ideal (which I found btw) and not I'm finally happy". Bitch. Well the other day as I was walking around Sloan Square, I found a birthday card which I had to get. It had a 60s style Blond girl on it with "First Class Bitch" printed on it in this very retro font. I bought it, and got some shiny small star stickers to go with it. I carefully placed 29 (her age) stickers inside the card, with no other word or message. I'm sending it today so she will receive it late, but that doesn't matter. She'll see that it comes from London so she'll know it's from me. It might seem like an immature thing to do but it's SO perfect for her. If she ignores it, than that's great, if she comes back to me angry I'll tell her "don't take things so personally (which she would always tell me after saying something mean to me!!!) and if she continues to bitch I can say "Wow, you must really have self esteem issues to get so worked up about a birthday card. I thought you'd have a laugh with it". That card is soooo her. Contradictive. Bitchy, but sparkly and iconic with the stars. To me, it's a perfect book end to our fucked up relationship.

3 months 'til 30

I've been pretty horny the past couple days. It seems by body has definitely adjusted to the antidepressants. I had a very easy time cumming after masturbating yesterday, which is something I was really struggling with since I've started to be on medication. Aside from being horny, I'm also feeling very cuddly. I miss not having a special someone in my bed to hug and kiss. I try not to think of Bella in those moments because it could end up being quite frustrating, but she's still in my heart and head naturally. The opportunities to meet women in this city are insane. There are so many single girls in my age group, it's insane. Many cute ones too. Last night we were in a bar which was a little too fancy for my own taste, and the first thing that struck me was the number of girls there. ABout 70% of the crowd. You could hear French being spoken, German, Italian, English of course. I love it.

I can see myself being here for a couple years to get my career on the right track and then maybe return to my city or move stateswide. I didn't think I would enjoy it here as much as I am right now. I like the lifestyle, I like seeing people outside, I like having good friends here and some family. I don't like how fast my money is being spent, but I also found out that if you pick the right places to hang out at, or buy your clothes or food at, it actually can stay fairly reasonable. The city I live in is pretty expensive, so it's not that much of a change. Of course, if I do get a good job here, the salary would have to been very decent.

So you see, I am NOT planning my life based around a girl that I love. I'm happy of myself for being quite serene about it now. This could change if Bella and I do that, but I have to keep my priorities straight, and I know Bella is not the type to require that I stay in the same city with her. In fact, until she spends those 6 months in the US next year, it'll probably very unlikely to start anything really serious. When she comes back from the US is another story, but god knows where we'll be at in our lives then. Hopefully I'll be settled professionally, and she already has a law firm committed to employing her upon her return (in exactly a year).

I'll be 30 in 3 months exactly. I'm at a point where I hope that the next real relationship I'll have will be the good one, though it's not something you can really plan. I don't really want to be 35 or 40 and single. I'd like to have kids I can play catch with and not have to stop after 5 minutes because my back hurts (personal experience). So yeah, my wish for my 30s is to start building myself as a working man, as a family man, and as a spiritually sane man. My 20s kinda sucked, but there have been some great moments and stories during that period. I'm just ready for something more meaningful now. That being said I wouldn't mind a good shag in the next couple weeks.

Satisfaction

I'm very happy to be in London. So far it's been great, and there's such an energetic vibe here, it's insane. I walked miles today (tube strike) around town and just had a blast being a flâneur and doing people watching. I have many activities planned, and tomorrow I will sign up at a gym for the month and go for drinks with my mates. I'll also take some time to write, and to brainstorm for a project for a job I might be able to apply for (through some networking and luck). This is a very positive thing. I'm not sitting at home sulking and thinking about Bella, I'm actually taking care of myself and enjoying being active and having hope for the future. It sounds cheesy, but when you think of how down I was just recently, it's an enormous revelation for me. I'm cautious, and I'm still taking baby steps, but I can already feel so much progress.

I did text Bella last night. It had been 3 days+ since we last talked, and I simply wanted to send her a little something and tell her that London was going well. She replied the next morning very early, and mentioned she was having and exam today and that she was looking forward to getting an e-mail from me (which I just wrote). It's pretty random news, but I'm just so happy when I hear from her... I need to share.

Being social here means meeting more girls. I'm wondering, should I flirt or not? I'm not with Bella, I might not be anytime soon or at all, but I feel so strongly for her that I almost feel wrong doing something... but shit, if I have an opportunity to have a little fun I have to take I think. It would be a bit absurd not to.

OK, off to bed. Tired from 2 hours of walking in Hyde park and in the streets.

Fun in London

Not much news lately because I was getting prepared for my move to the Big City aka LONDON :D My last couple weeks in The smaller city went well, but I am thrilled at being here and living with my brother David. I have my own little bedroom which is extremely cozy, and the flat kicks ass, albeit it seems evident that British architects and engineers are visibly drunk when they're designing and putting up housing. The townhouse is completely tilted, but it sort of makes its charm. I love it here, and the street we're on is very quiet but lively with small commerces, a chicha café next door, bakery, and old style barber shop across from the living room window. I love it. We've done quite a bit already over the weekend. I got to see a couple of my mates last night with my brother, and we had a blast drinking pints and talking about random stuff at the pub. Today my brother is at work, and I've started the day by having a proper breakfast, chatting with Nina on msn and playing online poker. At 11am I will officially get up and ready and clean up the kitchen. After that I will do some research online for jobs and possible contacts I can make while here, and I'd like to join a gym for a month and stay in shape (probably in the best shape of my life these days). Right now, I'm a happy man, and I've felt that way for a good 2-3 weeks now.

I'm very encouraged about how I am handling the Bella situation. I'm still madly in love with her, and we had a very nice afternoon drink across from her uni last week, and as usual conversation flowed and time seemed like a flash, signs of attraction, but no concrete plan to do more. I'm more serene now, I'm not in a rush, and right now I think it's great to keep in touch with her, remain close but not break that barrier. Until she has a boyfriend, I don't think it's a good idea to make a move anyway. I'm calmer about it now. I feel that if there's really such a good connection between us, than we're bound to be together at some point down the line. Furthermore, I'm single and she clearly doesn't have any long term plans with her BF, so why rush things? Of course I would love it if we could flirt and kiss and start something, but the romancing stage is actually really nice too, and I think she likes that as well.

Nina and I had lunch last week, and we've talked a lot online. She's having some pretty big issues with her BF who will NOT have sex with her. It's starting to really affect her well-being, and she's starting to be out of solutions. They're seeing a sex therapist together, and she will start seeing a shrink in a couple weeks, but she's unhappy at work, in her non-existent sex life, and is generally just bored with her life. SHe loves her BF, she doesn't want to leave him, but things can't stay the way they are. She's tempted to go seek sex with her ex, something she has done once already and regretted, but which made her feel so good afterwards too. I've urged her not to do it again, and she knows she shouldn't, but I sense that she might. I really feel sad for her, she's such a great girl and she doesn't deserve to be unhappy and not feel desired. What a waste, she's one of the most sexually open minded girls that I know, and she has to fall for a guy who has some sort of phobia of sex (apparently his ex humiliated him or something). I wonder if I'll ever shag Nina. We've talked about sex so many times, she knows everything about my sex life, even the most embarrassing stuff, and I know everything about her too... so it would almost make sense to end up together, at least for one night... but it would run the risk of ruining the nice complicity going now. I love Nina, but I don't know if I could be in LOVE with her.

Looks like sex is London is much more likely than in the other City. Will keep you posted if anything happens ;) I've been checked out already by a couple chavs (yuk) a gay guys (double yuk).

Fight, Bella and Nina

I never wrote about the 2nd part of Saturday night. Basically, I rejoined Shannon at a club, once it closed down we proceeded to get a bite to eat and while queuing I got into a verbal conflict with a tool who proceed to head butt me right between the eyes, or rather right at the top of my nose which split and bled profusely. A fight ensued, and all is well now, nothing broken, but it was one scary ordeal. My nose is fine but I have to wear one of those stick bandaids. I was pretty soar for a couple of days and I have bruises here and there. What a moron I swear. I'm a non-violent person, and I'm really not too impressed by this first real physical altercation.

So yeah, there's a risk that I will get hurt with the Bella situation, but I have nothing to lose now. I've already fallen for her, now the question is just whether she's interested in me enough to reconsider her current relationship and open up to me, or decide it's not worth starting something when my current situation is quite unclear. We're seeing each other tomorrow afternoon for coffee, maybe some questions will be resolved, but for now my feeling is: There are sure signs, but nothing definite. I'm not going to plan anything, I will go with the flow and if it feels right I'll make a move but most likely I will just honor her relationship and not say much about it and just enjoy the time together before I leave for the Big City. While in the Big City, I'm sure I'll be in contact with her somewhat, but the key thing will be to see how I manage being away from her, and how she's going to be with her boyfriend. All in all, it's a case of if I come back and she's still with him, well that's not good and I'll have to move on, but if on the other hand she has used the month of September to detach herself from him, well then the green light is there and I won't miss it! I'm really falling for this girl hard. She's perfect for me, everyting than love in a person. So sweet.

Lunch with Nina tomorrow. Sex will certainly be a topic of conversation. We joke around a lot that our lunches are in fact secret love encounters. I'll love screwing around with her, we had so much fun, and in between we talk about our relationships, troubles, heart aches. She's the best. She's my go-to girl when it comes to decisions to be taken with Bella. I usually tell her what i plan on doing, and she either says, yeah that's goof, or send the message tomorrow, or add this or take off that. I have her look at the messages Bella sends me to decode them, see if there's stuff that i might missing, or that really nothing more than friendly wording... but i can't help seeing signs here and there and it's actually kinda fun looking around!

Sleep pill in full effect. more more moe soon. xx

Saturday Night Fever pt1 (6pm - 2am)

6pm: Very nice time with Ashley by the lakeside drinking beers and talking about stuff. Our personal and work situations are very similar. She's moving state side to start a "new" life in hopes are getting kick started professionally. We have many similarities, and our personalities meche well. I don't feel a spark for her, but she's someone I would definitely like to stay in touch with and know better. We have the same kind of sense of humor, which is golden in any relationship if you ask me.

Bella joined us as planned an hour later. I can say it now, the "project" that I've been helping her with involves helping her and giving her pointers about the US, as she will be spending 6 months there next year. It made perfect sense to have Ashley and her meet in that sense, and it served as a perfect occasion to see Bella again after our first "unofficial" date. Unexpectedly she brought her boyfriend, but as it turns out I think it was a positive thing. Ashley and Bella hit it off right away, and look fwd to seeing each other again in Boston, and as they chatted away, I talked with B's bf, and he's actually quite a nice guy, though lacks a lot of maturity, which I believe and which Bella confirmed the other day, is the reason why she has no long term plans with him. Seems like there's an understanding between them, and without me in the picture I suppose they just would look to keep their thing going until she goes to Boston and then end the relationship amicably, at least that's what she pretty much explained to me the other night (minus the part about me). Ashley eventually left, and upon coming back from the restroom, the couple suggested that I join them for the rest of the evening as they were meeting up with some other friends. OK! Long story short, I spent the evening with the group of friends (3 couple, me and this other very cool and funny guy) and I had an excellent time. I was in a very social mood, and I talked with pretty much everybody, including Bella of course. Now about that! I'm sure -if you even give a shit- that you're wondering what's the deal with me and Bella, where do we stand, etc. Well upon seeing her arrive with her BF at the lake bar I wasn't thrilled but I wasn't overly upset about it either. The thing here is that if something happens with Bella, it will happen naturally (I think). There's no point in pressuring her into anything, especially given the bf situation and the fact that we won't be in the same city for a while. This alleviated a lot of pressure, and it made me much more relaxed and social and fun than I was on our "date" for instance, though are date was awesome and sweet and revealed my more intimate, kinda shy side. I hope (and I think) she digs both sides. So anyway, back to the good stuff. Bella and I had 2 or 3 moments, but one in particular where we made eye contact, and where that instant in time, that split moment bla bla bla where that brief flash moment meant more than a thousand words. Her smile, her gaze, my smile, my gaze, we were in total osmose, or whatever the fuck it's called. I also caught what I believe was silent chatter between her and her 2 gfs, and I'm pretty sure that some of the content was about me. I have a feeling the girls kinda know what's going on (even if nothing concrete is going on, there's something going there for absolute fucking certain). Bella's smile and glow when she was talking with her gfs kinda made me thing that yeah, these are good signs. To top it all off, I think even the BF knows totally what is happening, and he even at point said to Bella I "sorry do you mind if i sit there" (next to his gf, I was sitting on the other side of here) and the he kinda smiled suggesting "yeah i know what's going on, it's fine". It was very bizarre, but for now everything seems to be cool, even though the situation is not clear cut. I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. At the end of the night (which actually was only the start for me... see next post) we split, and while saying bye to to Bella I said "ok so let's check signals before I leave next week (for the Big City) and she instantly nodded and said "yeah yeah". Cool.

I'm a bit happy, I'm a bit sad, but I'm relatively serene. I'm in love, I really am. How can you be in love without even BEING with someone? I don't have theories of on all of that mumbo jumbo, all I know is that I KNOW this girl is right for me, and I KNOW there's something there, and my gut just tells me that it's right. ...But I'm gonna be patient, I'm gonna be patient, and I'm gonna be prepared if things don't turn out the way I hope they will. Our wedding will be in 2011 by the way. We'll have 3 kids.

Ok, next up is the rest of the evening, the late hours: 2:30am ---> 7:00am. It involves Shannon, drinking, blood, hospital, and tears. A night to remember.

Yeahhhhh!

Woke up around 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. Phone buzzed half an hour later, it was an sms from Bella saying that she had a really great time :D Yeahhhh. I'm ecstatic. I felt it went very well but I needed past confirmation to really feel relieved. I'm kinda traumatized by the whole Clara the bitch experience. I'm totally falling for this girl. :)))))

Going back to sleep... if I can!

Quickie

This will be very short but I just wanted to quickly say that the date with Bella was great. Almost too great, I'm left with an empty feeling now because I feel I'm falling for her, and at the same time I know it's not the right time for it to happen, and it's not the right time for her either. She's going to the US for 6 months, and I'm looking to relocate to The Big City. A long distance relationship is not a good idea. I was away from Maria for two years, and I don't want to live this again, and Bella was very clear in saying she is not looking for that either. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. I'll write more about the evening tomorrow. In short, it was great, I know now that she does feel something for me, but at the same time she is a very clever and reasonable person, and she's not about to let feelings dictate her life projects and personal ambitions.


AHhhhhhhh FUCK!!!!!! I was so worried about whether she would like me or not that I completely omitted to think about the practical aspect of it all.

Gonna pop a pill and sleep. I need it.

Nerves

I am so damn nervous for my date/meet/thing with Bella tonight. I wouldn't be this nervous if she didn't have a bf, but the fact that she has a bf is tricky because:

a) she is technically taken
b) makes a move on my part delicate
c) all of the above and more

Correct answer is c with a capital C. Like that: Capital.

I called her at noon to schedule tonight's rdv. I was terrified. I don't ever remember feeling like this before. I've been nervous before a date, but never this bad. I just hope I won't be sweating from anxiety. I'll have to excuse myself the minute I feel a drop on my forehead and not let it become overly obvious how tense I am. I'm almost tempted to take half a pill to calm down, but I won't as it can considerably change my mood, and is pretty much covering my full self, which is not my goal obviously. Oh brother. I need to remind myself that she took the initiative to see me and that her text message seemed quite promising, and at the same time if we just have a nice time and I help her out with her project and that's that, it won't dramatic... but man will I be disappointed. I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on something, and my first impression of this girl is that I really really like her. It'll be a huge letdown if her feelings aren't the same, but I'll have to deal with it and swallow my pride. That being said, I can't let myself go to this date having already lost the battle. I have to think positive, and be sure of myself, confident and of good company. You can do it B!

Dates, Bella, and Anal Sex

My date with Julia was so-so. We got along fine, but no spark there at all. We met in a park and went for drinks and a bite to eat in town before heading to the movies. It was pretty easy to find topics of conversation, but I was bit bored and she was more americanized than I had expected. A little too enthusiastic if you see what I mean. She was dressed like it's the 50s to, which wasn't particularly appealing. But a sweet girl nonetheless, just no spark.

I think she tried to pull a couple moves on me. She did the usual hand in the hair thing, and her pose was quite inviting during drinks. While in the theater she left her hand hanging as if it needed to be held. Her legs were tilted in my direction, and I caught her looking at me a couple times. I was ready to go home after but she suggested getting a drink, so we went in a bar and she ordered a mojito (to lose inhibition?) and I ordered the same, and then before I knew it the conversation turned to my sleeping and anxiety problems. Nice mood killer :)

I walked her to the train station and we said goodbye. I can't say that I performed to well, but I wasn't motivated or interested. I'll have to do better tomorrow with WD. I think it's time we give the Woman of my Dreams a name. Let's call her Bella, it suits her pretty well. So I'll have to do better with Bella, and I'll have to do something about my nervousness because when I'm nervous I sweat, and last night, even though there was no reason to be nervous whatsoever, I started dripping from the forehead during our visit during our first sit down at the bar. It must've been very obvious. It happens to me ALL the time, that's why I dislike the summer so much. If anyone has any times I'm listening, cuz I'm out of ideas. Talc powder works pretty well but how am I gonna get that on my forehead with out looking like I just plunged my head in a bowl of cocaine?

Ashley canceled tonight's date. A bit of relief as I really want to put all my effort on Thursday's rendez-vous with Bella. I asked Nina to decode Bella's text message to seek for signs of whether she might be interested in more than just friendly assistance in something she's working on, and after close analysis, she said that it seems like Bella is using the help excuse to meet, that she's making the first move, but that she'll expect me to make the 2nd one, but without throwing myself at her. All of this from one text message :) In appearance there's no substantial evidence that she wants more than just to meet, but a couple small details has me thinking there might be more, and this was confirmed from the great female mind of Nina. There's one sentence in particular: "Now you have my number". Then there's the smiley, and add to that the fact that we could've settled the matter by phone, that I felt something clicked when we met, etc, etc... well, it just makes me think that maybe, just maybe Bella and I will hit it off, get married, have kids, and live happy ever after :)

On to the sex part. Nina and I had an awesome conversation by msn yesterday about Anal love. The thing that I love about Nina, is that we can talk so openly about our sex lives, and give out TMI without feeling weird, on the contrary. She knows I have a modest sized shlong, and I know she has a rather loose vagina, which is what prompted me to say that we'd probably have to have anal sex together for her to get her kicks. She mentioned that it hasn't been a great experience for her so far, but by the end of the conversation she said it sounded like she was missing out on something, and that she would have to try it again. She was surprised to hear that out of my 8 partners, I had successfully sodomized 3 of them (whereas she has been romanced in the butt 2 out of 18 times, and had fingered one guy!). God bless that woman.

Hollywood Cast

Ok, here's a little silly thing to have with, and to give you a mental picture of what the characters of this blog look like. I'm going to make a list of actors who could play Sex at 29's cast based on physical similarity. Basically, it's a "if I was a famous actor I would be..." game. Naturally, the choices are flattering to most of the people on the list, but not all...

B................................................. Edward Norton
Woman of my Dreams................................ Eva Longoria
Clara............................................. Jenna Jameson (with small tits)
Maria............................................. Sophie Marceau
Shannon........................................... Lindsay Lohan
Nina.............................................. Joss Stone
Sonja.............................................
David............................................. David Spade
Julia.............................................
Ashley:
Petra
Lynn:
Sarah............................................. Julianna Margulies
Adriana........................................... Nicole Kidman (not as pretty)
Nathalie.......................................... Carrie-Anne Moss (not as pretty at all!)

Can't think of anyone for the blanks, but I'll fill them up later...

Gotta run!

Tags and Stuff

I've added tags to the site, which should help you browse through the content if you're a new reader. You can also check out the Cast list for short notes on the crazy characters of this blog.

I'm totally messed up this morning. I'm addicted to sleeping pills, and can't sleep without them, but the problem is that I wake up after 3-4 hours, when the effect wears off. My sleep is a total mess as a result, and this morning I'm really feeling the ill effects of all of this.

I'm very excited about my date with WD (Woman of my Dreams) on Thursday. I hope I won't be a nervous wreck. I tend to sweat a lot -mainly from the forehead, when I'm nervous. She's such a cutie, I wonder how our conversation will go. It has to go well, I don't see it happening any other way. WD is really helping me forget about #8 Clara. I feel a sense of disgust and wish for revenge when I think of Clara. What an evil mind. I'd really like to think that this period of my life was just meant to be, to allow me to learn what I really want out of life, and to give me a clean slate, a new begining, as cheesy as that sounds.

I can cum daily again when masturbating, phew. The reassuring thing is that I can stay hard a long time, which wasn't the case everytime my doctor increased the dosage of my medication. No increases in sight, so all should be ok sexually.

I'm going to the Big City in 10 days. Time flies. I don't feel quite ready, but I have time to get ready. Just need to really get cracking on preparations and practical stuff.

First of 3 consecutive dates tonight! (Julia tonight, Ashley tomorrow, WD Thursday). This is just a friendly date, so no expectations, but should be a nice evening. Full recap tomorrow of course.

Touchdown!

I think I'm finally over my squirting phase - which isn't to say I'm not interested in squirting anymore, but I'm not obsessively looking for clips online anymore. Besides, I think I've seen every squirting video clip there is on the www.

So I haven't given much news lately. As they say, no news is good news. In the last week I've had a breakthrough on a creative project I'm working on, I won a poker tournament (out of 16) at a friend's house, and last but definitely not least, the woman of my dreams text me!!! Amazing. It was on Friday evening. I was on my balcony drinking beers with an acquaintance when I received the message. She asked if I remembered her (Duh!) she made a small reference to the fact that the tequila had given her the fatal blow, and she asked if we could see each other next week for a matter we talked about when we met. I responded positively of course, staying honest but not seeming overly pushy and enthusiastic and in love, and we agreed to meet Thursday evening. There's a fair chance that she is not interested in anything more than just friendly assistance in the matter she needed help in, but from the connection I felt last weekend, and the fact that she still wants to see me, I'm thinking there's a chance it could lead to something more. Maybe it will just lead to a friendship, and I'm a specialist at developing friendships with attractive girls and end up in the friend zone trap (Shannon, Nina and so many more). But there's hope for, there's definite hope.

Other than that, well I've been rather busy and rather good. My depression is starting to wear off, and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (which has felt more like a botomless pit really). I'm still cautious, but more confident. I have a "date" tomorrow with a facebook acquaintance. I'm not interested in starting anything with her, but she wants to see the Simpsons movie and I've been wanting to see it a second time. I just love the Simpsons. Wednesday I'm seeing Ashley, a friend (girl) who is moving out of town soon. Drinks with her, and who knows maybe a shag??? (yeah right) and Thursday I'm seeing the woman of my dreams. Good week in perspective! I can't strike out, I have to keep my eye on the ball and go for the solid hit rather than hitting for the fences. It's usually when you just try to make contact that end up with extra bases or even hit a home run. I'll be happy with just a base it. My apologies if you know nothing about baseball, but I don't know any cricket or football (soccer) analogies. Basically, if I score it's great, but I'll be happy with just a good game and a win :)

Love, Squirting, and Total Lameness.

It hasn't been a bad week. It hasn't been an extraordinary one, but I've been fairly productive, so I'm pretty happy about that. The woman of my dreams (Bella) hasn't called, I'm afraid she won't call. What a damn shame.

I don't have really anything to write. I'm waiting for something to happen, and things will only happen if I get myself out there. There was a time where I would rely a lot on the internet to find my women, but seems like it's not getting me too far, and it brought me heartache recently, so fuck, why not try to meet someone in the real world? Maybe I'm just encouraged because Sunday went very well, I talked to a lot of girls, there were good exchanges, more might've happened?? I don't know, but it did boost my confidence, so I'm gonna ride the wave.

God this post is lame. DId I mention that I was having trouble cumming a gain? I tried for 4 days and the skin of my poor penis is starting to come off, so I had to give it a rest and finally yesterday I wanked in front of, yup, you guessed it... a clip of a girl squirting like mad. It just makes me so damn horny. I talked about it with Nina the other day, and she would love to be able to squirt. God bless that girl.

The woman of my dreams

Wow, I sure was drunk last night. It was a great night though, really glad I went. The highlight of course was meeting the woman of my dreams (Bella). Love at first sight, is it possible? For months I've been suffering because of a girl I had no future with whatsoever. Clara was more of an obsession, one that still creeps into my mind several times a day every day, but less and less, and certainly less so today.

I was too drunk to clearly express why I fell for this girl so fast. Basically, she had is all: the looks, the charm, the cuteness, the brain, the sense of humor. It's a whole, but I can just tell that she's a gem, and exactly my type of girl. Why, why, why must she have a boyfriend. God dammit. She has my number and I'm pretty certain she's not going to call because she got too wasted at the end, and probably even forgot some of our conversation. It was very bizarre how the alcohol hit us in a flash. We were doing fine, and then bam she had to go to the bathroom and from then on it all went downhill. Before she left, she said "I have to go to the bathroom but don't move, stay where you are, I want to continue this discussion." I saw her again when I convinced her boyfriend that we should go check up on her. She didn't look too good, and I put my hand on her shoulder and asked if she was ok. Her bf said that she probably wanted to stay alone, and she agreed (though i'm pretty sure she wanted her man to take care of her because she had called him on his cell 2 mins before). Anyway, weird situation, and I left and didn't see her again. Snif. I really hope I do see her again. On the other hand, now's not the best time for me to start something, but I just felt such a good vibe with her. Sigh.

Drunk

I am so drunk right now, but the good news is that is that i have met the woman of y,y life, and she is the carbon copy of Maria, but better. She is so fucking swettz. I want to see her again, she has my bumber, buit i dont' have hers. I hope she calls .me. She was super drunk, and our amazing conversation was interruppted by her voiming, to which i had to tell her boydrriend to go look after her. I lost touch of her, and i was so fucking dfrung that i didn't even checup on her. I refre4t. Instead i fo0llwd shannon and other mathers to another club, and we got fucking drunmg and i hit on fra ranch herigl owhom i think digged me pretty much but klike the pansy that i man, i left and say dgoddbye and kissed her on the checcks and tdidn't giver my number… DSOHHHH°T i'm sorfucking cudmnbg in those situations gods dammit. itaopij ppolshould nest be . UHHHH shanonn si takging ththe a day off tomoroow, and hogd adamn it ai how pe that will fucking fuck soon because she is majing so damn horyn. ai man comn onshe must want a coeck in ther bomouth by mow. now? Comon cshaonng i ewant to fuckg you suco bac¨. nadsibhnédfhaélshf oh yeah her tits are so fuckjing amazing . sheeeeeejus. i was to see her fucking boooooooooobs dammit. oh yeah, put ym coxok in between dem , cum on them , and her mouzth. and the shove my cock in her mouzth and tell her. hmm, you like that huh. and she fgoes hum,mmm b i want your cockl in my puzssy right now, cutz its so wet. fuckin ,BE BBBBB: iauliaksuhflkasjf$




and them climax and jizz all over the place and hopefully she squirts like a fu king mad woman. yeahhhhh

adsfméoaisdhfpoadhf

Affection

It's the weekend. What's happening this weekend? Not a whole munch planned. I might hit the gym in an hour or two. Haven't gone for about 10 days, which is not good. I've been lazy and tired lately, but today I'm determined to go. Besides, Saturday's are very quiet there, and I like to have the place to myself. I'm not an exercise freak, but the feeling after working out or doing sports is such a natural high that I really feel like I should force myself to do it more often.

I don't know what to say other than my situation is still pretty much the same. I still lack motivation, I still lack drive, I still feel lonely, I still fear for the future, but I'm still not giving up. Somewhere ahead I have to get better and live a little. Right now, the baby steps feel like stagnation land. Think positive, think positive.

So what about sex? It's in the title of this blog if I'm not mistaken. What I could say about sex is that I after watching porn daily over the last 3 months, I'm a bit porned out. These days I would be happy with simply having normal, sweet sex. I also would be happy just kissing, cuddling. I miss it so much. THANK GOD for my cat. He is such a sweetie. He jumps on my lap when I'm on the computer or watching tv, he curls up behind my legs when I'm in bed, he purrs like crazy when I caress him. Yesterday I had my hand on his stomach, and it felt so warm, so soft, so comforting. He's just a cat, he can't bring me everything, but he can bring me a little affection, and I crave that so much right now.

3 Month Diet and Getting Fat

Almost 3 months without sex. I'm sooo tempted to complain about it here, but instead I will just smile and think to myself "wow, it's really gonna feel amazing next time I DO have sex :)"

I got a reply from Ashley, the girl I met at the 4th of July party last year. She is on for drinks, in two weeks. She took 3 days to reply my facebook msg, and she is agreeing for drinks in two weeks. I think she's playing hard to get. Naughty naughty. Last year she still had a bf. I wonder if that's still the case. I guess I'll find out soon enough. Well not that soon... in two weeks! But yeah, at least we're on for drinks.

Other than that I'm still living a non-life, worrying about getting a job and finding happiness before I turn 30. I'm doing a fixation on this 30 thing. I don't give a damn myself, and I look young, but I feel like my 20s were not that great, and certainly not what I had expected. It wasn't all that bad, but I definitely thought that by 30 I would have life figured out already, and I'm as lost as ever. Funny thing is that when I hit 20, I was in a very dark place as well. I wonder what will happen when I turn 40, if I get there.

I'm not even in the mood to jerk off to porn tonight. I just feel like cuddling. I haven't had sex in 3 months, but I also haven't felt a woman's touch since then. I'm such a romantic! After not eating for weeks, I'm now over eating. I ate everything today: chicken, chocolate, bananas, cookies, crackers, yoghurts, smoothies, candy + a beer and two glasses of wine. Mix that with sitting on my ass all day and it makes for one flat stomach that isn't so flat anymore. Bad Bad B.

The Next Girl

It's very intriguing not knowing who will be the next girl that I will smooch, shag, fall in love with or who will break my heart. I've had my heart broken by two girls, Sarah and Clara. But really, the common thing in both those heartbreaks is that I was dumped, when seemingly right before things were going very well. Very deceiving. Give and get fucked. Next time around, I will not be an asshole, but I will definitely protect myself more, and think of myself before thinking for the other person, which I admit I've done too much of in the past.

I'm in the middle stage of getting better. I said a while ago that I was 70% recovered from my depression. I believe it's really more like 50%. Tomorrow I'm seeing my shrink, a very attractive columbian woman. She's probably 40-45, and she's damn sexy. I always make sure I look good when I go to my appointments with her. I've noticed the last two times that she had just sprayed perfume on her. If tomorrow she does it again, I'm going for it :) Of course I won't, but I've been fantasizing taking her on her desk since I first saw her. I don't know how turned on she could be by a guy who cries and complains about his life in front of her, but maybe it's her thing. Just a stupid fantasy, but it's nice to have an attractive girl listen to you and say the right things. It hasn't happened in a while. Nina is good at that, but Nina is taken and is a friend, besides, most of our conversations are online anyway, and right now what I really miss is human contact not involving a screen and a keyboard.

I've been drinking too much lately, or rather too often. I'm slowly becoming an addict. I take 3 kinds of medication + sleeping pills + i drink. I've stopped pot, but if I had some right now I would roll a big one and listen to massive attack's Mezzanine.

I'm still in my Squirt stage. I'm quite fascinated by female ejaculation. I read that 1 in 15 girl have this ability. No idea if that's true, but I must say the sight of girls getting off, cumming, squirting, and screaming in pleasure is quite a turn on. Any squirter readers out there?

Ok, back to wine and music in my living room. I'm working on a project, but it's top secret. So shhhhh.

Shannon

I just re-read my last entry, and
I have absolutely no recollection of writing it. Especially the last paragraph. Amazing what drugs can do to your mind, even something light like sleeping pills.


Shannon just IMed me. She wants to have lunch together, I don't have anything really going on today so I accepted. I was pretty close to making a move on her Friday whilst completely hammered. The only other time I made a move on her was two years ago when we met at work. We went out for drinks with a group of work mates, and I tried to grind with her on the dancefloor, but she pulled out, sending clear signals that she wasn't interested. I since the have given up, and come to not feel as attracted to her over the years.

Shannon is a pretty attractive girl. She has wavy blond her, clear blue eyes, very pale skin and lots of freckles, which I find pretty cute. She's the Lindsay Lohan type. She has a good body, good proportions and breast which I envision to look amazing. She's athletic but smokes way too much, has bad eating habits, and seems addicted to coke (acola, not the white powder).

The cigarette is a big turn off for me. I don't mind a girl who has a smoke socially, but she's cigging from morning to night. Her fingers are yellow as a result and she's got bad nails. Those details don't do it for me. But we've become good friends. She's pretty lonely and has been unlucky in love, but she's been very clear about the fact that she can only have sex when in love. This is what has stopped me from trying to shag her, but Friday while touching her leg in that bar at 6am, I really was fantasizing about a morning fuck with her. I wonder if she's starting to like me more. I've been more distant with her in the last couple months, which tends to rub her the wrong way, but don't girls love that? She's the type to fall in love with the wrong guy, and I have no interest in her as a "serious" partner, I'm probably moving to another city soon... I fit the profile of the Shannon type!

I might be thinking over my head here, but who knows. Let's say something did happen with Shannon, here's how I envision it would happen:

We're out drinking from late in the afternoon to early in the morning. I drop her at her flat in my car (again, not a good idea to be driving) and as we say goodbye I notice something in her smile and eyes that says "I want you to fuck me". So instead of kissing her on the cheek, I go for her lips, and she doesn't pull out.

Fast Forward 2 minutes, and we're in her elevator (lift for the brit folks) and now we're snogging like teenagers, as I am leaning against her, I clasp her against the wall, and lift her left leg. She can feel my hard cock through my pants against her hip. She starts to moan.

We're in her flat now, it's a bloody mess cuz Shannon is a slob. She apologized for the mess, tries to remove some bras from her bed, but I grab her from behind, and push her on the bed, falling onto it with her. I'm drunk so I stumble, and accidentally fall on her arm. She yells in pain, I apologize, then we laugh. We stop for a moment, the mood slows down, and now I'm kissing her gently. I sense she is becoming nervous, I reassure her by tenderly putting my arm on her cheek, and back her neck. I kiss her, she opens her mouth ever so slightly, and our tongues makes their way together, sucking each other....

ok screw the foreplay part, just imagine it as being nice and putting Shannon in the mood while my cock is yelling inside my pants "suck me!"

Fast forward a few minutes and we're now naked. Her breasts look amazing! I massage them for a while as we're both sitting, facing each other and kissing, and finally she gets down on me and starts working on my rock hard -pointing to the sky- straight uncut 6 in dick. I'm on back and she sucks on my cock, and doing a pretty good (blow) job I have to say! After about 5 minutes, she gets on top of me. I let her do most of the deciding, because I don't want to rush her, besides I like when a girl is on top.

She has her eyes closed while rocking her hips against my sliding cock. Hands on my chest, and back slightly arched. Her moaning is contagious, and I can feel she is enjoying the action. Unlike some girls who just try to please their man by acting like pornstars and putting on a show (which can be nice as well but you get my point) she is just enjoying the moment, and feeling every sensation that penetration and physical contact brings. It's contageous, and I'm thinking to myself (hmmm, this is really good).

The pace increased, and I feel her nearing climax. I increase the motions, making sure to stay in her groove, and suddenly I feel her whole body tensing up, her pussy muscles tightening, and she lets go a high pitched scream, which she tries to muffle by grabbing a pillow and biting it.

Fast forward to a break, some talking, smiling, recuperating, and we get back to it, this time I get I'm facing her, legs kneeld and back straight, I grab her hips, pull them against me, and I fuck her madly, controlling every move. It's louder and more intense than before, and it's also very good. As I near the big "O", I do something that I hadn't plan on doing, but the sight of her breasts is just too damn hot. I pull out, get on top of her, and shoot my cum all over her tits, and accidently some of it reaches her neck and hair. She seems surprised but goes with it. Afterwards I grab tissues and clean her up. We kiss, and fall asleep in each others arms.

The next day is weird. We have breakfast and panadols in her kitchen. She smokes, and I have coffee. We kiss goodbye, and I feel damn good but a little confused as to what will happen now.

Ok back to reality, I have to get ready for lunch. I'll be staring at her boobs the whole time!

tah.

ps: i have this bad habit about not proofreading what i write until hours later. please excuse my bad grammar and typos :-)

Sleeping Pills

It's 00:40. Just popped a sleeping pill, and couldn't resist the temptation to go online before the drugs do their magic.

It hasn't been a very good day. The right side of my neck is very stiff, and hurts like hell. I'm feeling blue. I feel extremely lonely. I miss human touch. I miss a girl's touch. I am not sending out positive vibes out there, and it's evident by the way girls have been avoiding me. I probably send out "needy" vibes. I try not to, but there' something that I'm not doing right.

So what can I say about sex tonight? I've covered all the girls I've been with in this blog in the span of one week. 10 years summarized in so little time. How sad. I don't care if I only have sex with one person while in my 30s as long as it's good, and as long as I'm in love. I'm not always that lovey-dovey, but I'm building this mental picture of the girl of my dreams, and in a way I'm just waiting for her to appear out of the blue and make everything better. It's not going to happen that way, I know it, but I'm drawing a total blank when it comes to working on myself. I should be planning my visit to The Big City by making contacts, getting my cv and portfolio ready, doing research, etc. Instead, I'm killing time online between this blog, facebook, e-mail, sports news and gossip pages.

I can start feeling the effect of the sleeping pills. It's such a nice feeling. It's the one moment in the day that cherish more than others. I used to love falling asleep with Maria. She was so cute in bed. She would put her head on my chest, or we would spoon. Spooning with her was great because she had curvy hips and a tiny wast. It felt so nice.

ok can't write now. the pills have the better of me. let's try to have with this and see how long I can continue typing. So Sex is sex and sex is a souvenir right now. I wonder if I know the person I will have sex next. Will it be a friend? An ex? An acquaintance? Someone I will meet on a night one. Hmm. I have to many girl friendships. I don't quite fit the bold of the people in this city. That's my theory. I want to make 100'000 Chf which is 40'000 £ in 2008. It's pretty unrealistic, but It's something I want to happen, amd will make sure it happens. yeah. toys toys toys at x-mas 2008. Girls like boys with toys.

Coffee and Sleeping Pills

Back up. I slept about 3 hours, and now I feel pretty fucked up. Sleeping pills and coffee don't mix well.

A girl I met a year ago, Ashley, added me on facebook. Why is this newsworthy? Because when I met her at a 4th of July party we instantly clicked. She's pretty hot and seems like a genuine nice fun girl. Will anything come out of this? Probably not, but I think she might be single now :-) I'm always looking for love, I should really stop that. Besides, I can't get attached to a girl now that I'm looking to move cities.

Things I want to do before I die:

- threesome (2 girls)
- have sex a with a girl who squirts
- pay off my debts
- fuck an ex
- fuck a celebrity

That about sums it up. I have other career goals but who gives a fuck about that, right? I might want kids. Well, in reality I really would like to meet the love of my life within 5 years, get married, have kids, and lead a happy & comfortable life, while having amazing sex with my wife and keeping things fresh as to not fall into a boring routine. I long for stability, but I have a need to escape.

Feeling pretty out of it this morning. Will be more productive this afternoon.

Mornin'

Good morning Monday!

I'm going back to bed after I write this blog, over the past 3 nights I've slept a combined 15 hours, and for me it just doesn't cut it. My neck hurts, my mind is buzzing like a bee, and I feel nauseous.

Bleh. When I wake up, in a few hours, I will go about my day which will consist of paying my bills, cleaning the kitchen, and maybe going to the gym. The meds are wearing me down, and make it difficult to concentrate on my fitness routine.

I wanked to some good porn last night. It's getting rare to find good porn.

Uh oh, I feel the sleeping pills working......... nighty morning zzzzzzzzzzzz

Sunday Rambling

It feels pretty good to have gotten the sex stories out of the way. Clean slate now. I'm now wondering if that's it for my sex life in the twenties. I'm turning 30 in 4 months, and given my current lifestyle I would say there's about a 50/50 chance that I will score again by the end of the year. I will be spending one month living with my bro in the Big City, and bringing a girl home is absolutely out of the question. My bro and I are pretty private about our personal lives, especially when it comes to girls, and I like it that way. We're more open about it than we were a few years ago, but I still can't possibly imagine fucking a girl with him in the room next door. No way. But why even think of this when I have absolutely no reason to believe I will score while in The Big City.

I'm not counting on doing anything with possible #9 girl either. The more I think about it, the more I feel it's a bad idea. I'm just not attracted by her physically, nor by her personality. It just doesn't feel like a good idea.

I'm on medication right now, which has had a very positive effect on my mood, there's absolutely no question about it. The down side is that there are a few side effects, the worst being a significant decrease in my ability to stay hard and cum. Not cool. However my body is adjusting, and after two weeks of struggle and feeling that I have the dick of a 70 year old, I can now stay fully erect, and cum more easily, but I really need to work hard for it to happen. If I were to have sex, I might just have to cross out having an orgasm. Not such a big deal, girls do it all the time. Am I right or am I right?

Ok, time to shower and get dressed. More rambling later in the day. smooch.

Nina and #8 Clara (part 2)

If I had to marry somebody, it would be Nina.

Nina

Nina and I met at work in 2004. At first, I wasn't particularly drawn to her, but as she often passed in front of my desk to see our big boss, we'd often smile at each other, and finally one day I struck up a conversation with her. I remember it quite vividly, it was right at the beginning of 2005. We were talking about our mutual x-mas holiday breaks, and both of us had had major fights with our Exes of 4 years. Things just clicked between her and I, and through Instant messaging at work, we opened up a lot to each other, revealing many secrets and personal things. We began to take breaks together, and at one point I thought something was happening between the two of us, and I was hoping that we would date.

As she opened up to me, I began feeling more and more attracted to her. Blond hair, amazing green-blue eyes, a pretty face with very cute fossetts on her cheeks, a nice smile. She was and still is a bit overweight. She doesn't have what today's standards would call an amazing body, but I was very turned on by it nonetheless. Her breasts are huge! Almost too big. She has very pretty legs. But most of all, she has that special spark.

Finally, the subject of sex came one day on IM, and we now talk about it all the time. But both know that we love it, and we both are very open sexually and in our discussions. I'd love to have sex with her, but I also could easily fall in love with her. She has everything that I like in a person: She is very caring, loving, has a great sense of humor, she listens, she more than anyone understands what I am going through (even though she doesn't suffer from depression, she has had her own psychological troubles). She is a very family orientated person, she has good values but she also knows how to party and have fun. She has a very high emotional IQ. She has blond moments but doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes her soooo charming. She keeps telling me how she can be a total bitch to her bf and sulk for hours but I'm sure that she's a sweetheart with him.

I respected Nina tremendously and owe her a lot for being the person who has helped me the most when I was down. She gives me a lot of hope that maybe some day I will meet someone that I will fall in love with, and that will be good for me (unlike Clara). I could fall in love with Nina, and I did have a crush on her for a long time, but for now I just feel lucky knowing her and am thrilled to be friends with her.

She seems pretty serious with her couple, but like in every couple, some issues do exist. The biggest issue in hers is related to sex. They're not at all on the same wave length in the department, as he much more reclusive and doesn't get turned on easily. It's sad, and I know she suffers from it a lot. In some ways, I would cherish the opportunity to go out with her if things didn't work out with her bf, but I don't even know if she would be willing to start something with me, if she is attracted to me. We're closer now than we were when we were both single, so maybe this time things would be different, but I doubt it will happen and it's nothing something I'm waiting to happen. That being said, I bet that sex would get along great in bed.

She's very open sexually. She told me that she likes giving head, anal sex, having her man cum on her tits, etc. She has toys, and she likes to try new things. She said something that really caught my attention and that I agreed with. She said that 80% of the time she likes sex to be a very loving act, tender but hot. But 20% of the time she likes things to be very wild. Something with Clara that scared me a lot was her relationship with sex, but also what turned me about her. Clara watched a lot of porn, all kinds of porn. She wanted to try a 3some with a girl, she liked to use toys, but what scared me a lot is that she liked to be dominated during sex. She wanted me to smack her butt really hard, and pull her hair. I know that in her childhood her mother was a bit abusive, and I'm sure it has an impact on sex life today, but it's something I was never completely comfortable with. While I enjoy some of the domination/submissive games, I'm not one for extremes, and I think Clara wanted a man that could dominate her more convincingly than I could. She told me that I wasn't pervert enough during sex, which really surprised me. The fact that I wasn't a good enough lover for completely shattered my self esteem in bed. To me, she tried to much to have sex like a pornstar, which can be fun at times but which isn't real sex. Some of the things she did were replicas of Jenna Jameson's tricks, who happened to be Clara's favorite Porn actress.

Yet I loved having sex with her, I was extremely turned on by devil /angel duality in sex, but affected by it as well. After sex Clara was often very cute and cuddly and seemed extremely happy. Yet from what I got after she left me, and even during some IM conversations we had while we were seeing each other, is that she wasn't completely happy with my performances. What a bitch. I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I fell for her. I hate that I fell for her. She's the only person that I really wished I had never met, because I hate how I reacted around her, and after the breakup. I felt and still feel like a failure, yet I know deep in my mind that she is the stupid one, she is the fucked up one, she is the sad person. Love is blind, can drive you crazy, can fuck with your mind. It certainly did with Clara.

But maybe everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nina was the only person who was able to make me feel better about Clara. I can't really say how she did it, but she said the exact things that I needed to hear. I'm having trouble explaining how she did it, but she simply did. And even if I still haven't recovered from the Clara fuck up, Nina enabled me to get back to reality and remind me that: A girl like Nina is what I need. A girl that releases my good sides. I love how I am around Nina, I am completely myself and feel no anxiety or second guess what I say. With Clara, I kept second guessing every single thing that came out of my mouth, and a lot of the things that I would say, I would end up regretting, or would come out differently than I wanted them to come.

Ok, Fuck you Clara. I'm done with you in this blog. In a fucked up way I still hope we can be friends, but in reality I just really want to succeed and be happy in life and come back in a few years and show you how I was so much better off without you, and without that fucking job that I hated, and that you gave me so much shit for quitting. Fucking bitch. I want revenge and I hope that you'll pay for your the way you treated me.

That felt better. Now let's move on. I don't want to think about her anymore. Let's move forward!

#8 Clara (part 1)

Hmm, should I now write about Clara or not? I think of her less and less each day, but I still think of her too much. Losing her is starting to hurt less, but it still stings when I think of those times when she did or said something really nice to me, and how it all completely went away. I also cannot quite get over the mean things she said to me after we broke up and how she cut me from her life completely.

#8 Clara

Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.

It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.

Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....

It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.

Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.

My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.

Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.