I was hoping London would be filled with sex, and I've had none in the month that I've been here, but it's been a real surprise at how good I feel being here. It feels like home. I grew up in a city from which I don't originate from, I have therefore never felt completely at home there. I was born from a French mother and American father, and I now feel at home in London. It makes perfect sense, it's the right balance between both nations with a blend of people from all over the world around. Feels like home, because no one here is really home. No one is FROM London, even locals... they'll always tell you that they're from East London, or West London, or north of London, or a town close to London, or elsewhere in the UK: Birmingham, Manchester, Brighton, Portsmouth, etc... than you have the Irish, Scotts, Welsh, who insist they're absolutely not from London, and in the streets you hear French, German, Japanese, Arab, Polish, Russian, Chinese...
I love it.
I am looking fwd to coming to my current home (elsewhere in Europe) in a week. I miss my cat so much, it will be so comforting to see him again. Poor kitty will have to go through quarantine, but apparently the process can be made easier if I start taking care of it while I'm home. I also really look fwd to seeing Bella again (obviously). After a week of no-communication when it was actually my turn to give signs of life (advice from Nina to make her wait) I felt the urge to send her a text today while going to karaoke with my brother, nephew and a small group of friends. She replied at midnight saying that she envied me as she loves karaoke, and that she was looking fwd to hearing about it when i come back. Little things, little words that give me hope. I was tempted to overwrite to her, overshare my experience here, but not communicating too much, but quite regularly nonetheless has made it easier to enjoy my time here while not thinking too much about her, and about how I miss her. It's crazy to think that in my time away from home, which has been just a little over a month, She has left her boyfriend, the summer has left us for good (though today was spring like) and
I have almost completed a full screenplay (that project I've been writing about). It's even crazier to think that 2-3 months ago I was waking up each day thinking about ending my life as going through another day was a battle I didn't feel ready to face. It sounds absurd today, but at the time every second felt like a minute, and every minute felt like an hour.
I miss sex, but I'm not running after it. It will arrive. I feel calmer. Nina suggested I don't even contact Bella until I return, but I couldn't help myself and followed my instincts tonight. Nina's been a great coach. She understands the female mind very well, but at the same time she's always open to my interpretation and we end up finding a middle ground on what my next move should be. I IM her everytime I have a doubt about what my next move should be. Last week I was sulking because Bella had sent me a rather bland e-mail. Nina read it, reassured me right away, but told me to not answer until I come back "Let her desire you". It's silly, I don't agree with that concept, but I don't want to be pushy either so she's been good at keeping me in check. Making sure I don't do TOO much (which i sometimes tend to do and which freaks girls off it seems.) It doesn't feel like too much to me, but I guess it raises red flags in some girl's minds. One girl on Facebook wrote to me after a couple e-mail exchanges saying that she looovvveeed long e-mail and was so thrilled to find someone who liked that too and that if I were in Paris she would've invited me for tea right away, bla bla bla, etc, etc... It was almost tooo much but I was very pleased by her candid and honest comments and replied with a Long e-mail... Not too long but long. It wasn't rude or inapropriate, it was fine by my standards. She replied in 3 lines the next day saying "wow, that was one llooooong e-mail. bla bla bla ok i have to log off, this thing is really a disease!!" and i answered briefly a couple days later and since then Nada. Stupid online communication. Too many people to communicate with, too many platforms: IM, Social Networking, E-mail, Skype, Webcams, Poking, Photo Sharing, Blogging.... I'm addicted though. I wonder if I'll stop writing as soon as I have a gf. Tends to happen.
I'll probably write again as soon as problems arise in the couple... if I get to be in a couple again. Man it's been a long time.
Ok, again I failed to write about sex. I've been trying to check out "normal" sex on youporn.com. I'm tired of elaborate complicated positions with huge cocks and perfect blond shells with sweet asses. I simply want to see normal couples having sex and get turned on by those little details, moments, that make lovemaking an act of bliss and magic. Sounds cheesy doesn't it? I'll try to illustrate it with a link in the next post. For now it's back to bed. xx It's 3 fucking am.
Showing posts with label Scratchy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scratchy. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Luckier back home?
Not much to say. Routine has set here in London, but I'm enjoying it. I'm moving fwd nicely on a project, and I'm taking baby steps to finding a full time job. I plan on moving here for good in January, and I'd like to have a full time job by spring at the latest. Might have to do temp jobs like giving French, German or Spanish lessons to people (I only know one of the 3) or find a clever way to make money otherwise. Seems that if you have some brains in this city there's a lot of money to be made because, well... there are a lot rich people around.
So with 10 days left in London before I return to the homeland, it's looking less and less likely that I will score some pussy while in the city. With Bella on my mind, I'm having a tough time really going for it. I'd much rather have someone come to me. It would make it all much easier.
I'm now thinking of what awaits me back home. For one, my cat Scratchy, whom I miss ohhh so much. Love that cat. I cried in my bed the other day because I felt so lonely, and in those times Scratchy usually comes and walks on me and then curls up against the back of my legs and sleeps or purrs. So cute. I cried for the first time in a long time. Felt like a slice of my dark days, which aren't far away. Amazing how things can change so quickly. I had small spurts of sadness sometimes, but I get back on my feet and feel good again almost instantly after. I hope this prevails. Anyway...
So yeah, back home my hopes lie on Bella of course, but I'm starting to realize that it's probably not going to work out for practical reasons, and I have a feeling that she will not want to jump into a relationship with the thought that we will be separated for a good part of the next year and probably beyond. It's sad really. If we do hit it off, one option would be to have her come spend 6 months in London to learn english in Britain rather than in the US, which is her plan as of now, but it would sort of defy the purpose of leaving in a country for 6 months where you know no one in order to immerse yourself in the local life and language in order to fully learn the language and get the most out of your time abroad. But maybe love will change that. Who knows, we're not even dating yet that I'm already thinking that far ahead. I can't help it, I really do have such a crush on this girl. She cut her hair short apparently. She says it's bizarre, but felt the need to do it. A cut from her past relationship maybe? Is this good for me? I'm eager to see what she looks like I have to say! I usually like long hair but I bet she's cute with shorter hair.
If things with Bella don't work out (and I'm going to know sooner than later because I'm not going to wait the eve on my return to London in January to make a move on her or tell her my true feeling towards her) there's my former colleague Scarlette, whom I haven't mentioned here I believe. I really had a crush on her, and we had met before I had actually begun working in the same company as her. She's very pretty and cute. Has the sweetest innocent good girl voice, but with that wild side in her which she just hasn't really shown to me yet, but that's most definitely there. We actually did have a date together. She even called it that. We met online, and the time she was going through a "break" with her BF. We hit it off online, then spent a lot of time on the phone, and finally we scheduled a date. It was right before I started seeing Clara. I felt that I had a good shot with her but she cooled off shortly after the date. I took it as a sign that I just wasn't her type physically, but that she liked me as a "friend". We were friends a while while she was in-and-out of her relationship with her BF, and while I was in-and-out of my own relationship with Clara. Finally, I quit my job because of depression, and our contact after that was minimal (though she was one of the first to contact me to know what had happened to me and to check on how I was doing). I haven't seen her since work, but we've e-mailed a bit. Finally, I stopped hearing from her altogether and felt no need to be pushy and contact her again. But just last week she connected to me on Facebook. I wrote to her, asking how she was, filling her in on what I've been up to, and she replied instantly saying that she apologized for not giving any news recently, and that apparently her BF was jealous of me ???? and that she had just broken up with him. WTF? Jealous of me? I never even kissed the girl, or had an intimate moment (though our harmless date was nice but ultimately inconclusive). I guess she must've mentioned me or that he knew that we were buddies at work or online or something. Very strange. Anyway, she said that we had a lot to talk about, and proposed that we have some food, wine and maybe smoke a joint one evening to talk about it all. Hello?? I still don't think she digs me in that kind of way, but I'm all for an evening like that, and who knows... It's nice not expecting anything because sometimes it's in those moments that somethings happens, but I can't think about that or I'll jinx it. Anyway, this is just a nice thought in case things with Bella don't work out. Let it be known, my #1 girl is Bella, I'm crazy about her! But it's nice to know that other people might like you too. If that fails, I'm doing a move on Shannon. She bores me soooo much. Can't get anything out of her in our IMs. But I really feel like putting a move on her I stated previously. A nice shag would be nice with her. I'm convinced she won't go for it, but after one drunken night (and we've had many together) might just give it a shot. And if she pushes me back, well I won't insist (I'm not gonna rape the poor girl!) Ever since I got head butted by that moron and that she got in the middle of the scuffle I've been upset with her. It was a it of the last straw. Once again I was doing her a favor by driving her home after clubbing AND going for food before going home. And it all resulted in a little trip to the hospital for me. Had enough of it. We need to fuck or there's no point in acting like her fucking BF. I'm being a bit mean, but I don't really see what she's been doing for me, when I do a lot for her.
So with 10 days left in London before I return to the homeland, it's looking less and less likely that I will score some pussy while in the city. With Bella on my mind, I'm having a tough time really going for it. I'd much rather have someone come to me. It would make it all much easier.
I'm now thinking of what awaits me back home. For one, my cat Scratchy, whom I miss ohhh so much. Love that cat. I cried in my bed the other day because I felt so lonely, and in those times Scratchy usually comes and walks on me and then curls up against the back of my legs and sleeps or purrs. So cute. I cried for the first time in a long time. Felt like a slice of my dark days, which aren't far away. Amazing how things can change so quickly. I had small spurts of sadness sometimes, but I get back on my feet and feel good again almost instantly after. I hope this prevails. Anyway...
So yeah, back home my hopes lie on Bella of course, but I'm starting to realize that it's probably not going to work out for practical reasons, and I have a feeling that she will not want to jump into a relationship with the thought that we will be separated for a good part of the next year and probably beyond. It's sad really. If we do hit it off, one option would be to have her come spend 6 months in London to learn english in Britain rather than in the US, which is her plan as of now, but it would sort of defy the purpose of leaving in a country for 6 months where you know no one in order to immerse yourself in the local life and language in order to fully learn the language and get the most out of your time abroad. But maybe love will change that. Who knows, we're not even dating yet that I'm already thinking that far ahead. I can't help it, I really do have such a crush on this girl. She cut her hair short apparently. She says it's bizarre, but felt the need to do it. A cut from her past relationship maybe? Is this good for me? I'm eager to see what she looks like I have to say! I usually like long hair but I bet she's cute with shorter hair.
If things with Bella don't work out (and I'm going to know sooner than later because I'm not going to wait the eve on my return to London in January to make a move on her or tell her my true feeling towards her) there's my former colleague Scarlette, whom I haven't mentioned here I believe. I really had a crush on her, and we had met before I had actually begun working in the same company as her. She's very pretty and cute. Has the sweetest innocent good girl voice, but with that wild side in her which she just hasn't really shown to me yet, but that's most definitely there. We actually did have a date together. She even called it that. We met online, and the time she was going through a "break" with her BF. We hit it off online, then spent a lot of time on the phone, and finally we scheduled a date. It was right before I started seeing Clara. I felt that I had a good shot with her but she cooled off shortly after the date. I took it as a sign that I just wasn't her type physically, but that she liked me as a "friend". We were friends a while while she was in-and-out of her relationship with her BF, and while I was in-and-out of my own relationship with Clara. Finally, I quit my job because of depression, and our contact after that was minimal (though she was one of the first to contact me to know what had happened to me and to check on how I was doing). I haven't seen her since work, but we've e-mailed a bit. Finally, I stopped hearing from her altogether and felt no need to be pushy and contact her again. But just last week she connected to me on Facebook. I wrote to her, asking how she was, filling her in on what I've been up to, and she replied instantly saying that she apologized for not giving any news recently, and that apparently her BF was jealous of me ???? and that she had just broken up with him. WTF? Jealous of me? I never even kissed the girl, or had an intimate moment (though our harmless date was nice but ultimately inconclusive). I guess she must've mentioned me or that he knew that we were buddies at work or online or something. Very strange. Anyway, she said that we had a lot to talk about, and proposed that we have some food, wine and maybe smoke a joint one evening to talk about it all. Hello?? I still don't think she digs me in that kind of way, but I'm all for an evening like that, and who knows... It's nice not expecting anything because sometimes it's in those moments that somethings happens, but I can't think about that or I'll jinx it. Anyway, this is just a nice thought in case things with Bella don't work out. Let it be known, my #1 girl is Bella, I'm crazy about her! But it's nice to know that other people might like you too. If that fails, I'm doing a move on Shannon. She bores me soooo much. Can't get anything out of her in our IMs. But I really feel like putting a move on her I stated previously. A nice shag would be nice with her. I'm convinced she won't go for it, but after one drunken night (and we've had many together) might just give it a shot. And if she pushes me back, well I won't insist (I'm not gonna rape the poor girl!) Ever since I got head butted by that moron and that she got in the middle of the scuffle I've been upset with her. It was a it of the last straw. Once again I was doing her a favor by driving her home after clubbing AND going for food before going home. And it all resulted in a little trip to the hospital for me. Had enough of it. We need to fuck or there's no point in acting like her fucking BF. I'm being a bit mean, but I don't really see what she's been doing for me, when I do a lot for her.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Affection
It's the weekend. What's happening this weekend? Not a whole munch planned. I might hit the gym in an hour or two. Haven't gone for about 10 days, which is not good. I've been lazy and tired lately, but today I'm determined to go. Besides, Saturday's are very quiet there, and I like to have the place to myself. I'm not an exercise freak, but the feeling after working out or doing sports is such a natural high that I really feel like I should force myself to do it more often.
I don't know what to say other than my situation is still pretty much the same. I still lack motivation, I still lack drive, I still feel lonely, I still fear for the future, but I'm still not giving up. Somewhere ahead I have to get better and live a little. Right now, the baby steps feel like stagnation land. Think positive, think positive.
So what about sex? It's in the title of this blog if I'm not mistaken. What I could say about sex is that I after watching porn daily over the last 3 months, I'm a bit porned out. These days I would be happy with simply having normal, sweet sex. I also would be happy just kissing, cuddling. I miss it so much. THANK GOD for my cat. He is such a sweetie. He jumps on my lap when I'm on the computer or watching tv, he curls up behind my legs when I'm in bed, he purrs like crazy when I caress him. Yesterday I had my hand on his stomach, and it felt so warm, so soft, so comforting. He's just a cat, he can't bring me everything, but he can bring me a little affection, and I crave that so much right now.
I don't know what to say other than my situation is still pretty much the same. I still lack motivation, I still lack drive, I still feel lonely, I still fear for the future, but I'm still not giving up. Somewhere ahead I have to get better and live a little. Right now, the baby steps feel like stagnation land. Think positive, think positive.
So what about sex? It's in the title of this blog if I'm not mistaken. What I could say about sex is that I after watching porn daily over the last 3 months, I'm a bit porned out. These days I would be happy with simply having normal, sweet sex. I also would be happy just kissing, cuddling. I miss it so much. THANK GOD for my cat. He is such a sweetie. He jumps on my lap when I'm on the computer or watching tv, he curls up behind my legs when I'm in bed, he purrs like crazy when I caress him. Yesterday I had my hand on his stomach, and it felt so warm, so soft, so comforting. He's just a cat, he can't bring me everything, but he can bring me a little affection, and I crave that so much right now.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
#8 Clara (part 1)
Hmm, should I now write about Clara or not? I think of her less and less each day, but I still think of her too much. Losing her is starting to hurt less, but it still stings when I think of those times when she did or said something really nice to me, and how it all completely went away. I also cannot quite get over the mean things she said to me after we broke up and how she cut me from her life completely.
#8 Clara
Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.
It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.
Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....
It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.
Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.
My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.
Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.
#8 Clara
Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.
It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.
Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....
It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.
Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.
My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.
Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
