Girls Girls Girls

Still going good, and still very busy! Cut down a tad on the partying because I a bit overdid it last week but I still go out every day and spend hours walking. I've been more productive getting my portfolio going, and the notion that I will get a job that fits me well is seeming more like a definite possibility each day. It's very exciting, as I was feeling completely trapped in the smaller city. I'm still not set on moving to London for good, but I believe it could become a reality, and really be something good for me.

I've been reallllly horny the past few days. More about that lower.

Communication with Bella has been quite scarce. About an e-mail a week. She took 3 days to reply to my first e-mail, so I took 3 days to reply, and now we're on 3 days waiting for a reply. She's still in my heart, and sometimes at night I think of her and wish I could curl up against her and kiss her. I had a dream in which she made the first move and kissed me. I was quite sad when I woke up in the middle of the night, but got back to sleep eventually and had a very fine day after that.

Ashley sent me a semi-drunk facebook message last night in which she was saying how horny she was, and half apologizing for it, and being pretty funny. Haha. I think she digs me ;-) too bad she's in the US now, but Ashley is the type of girl that would be great to have as a gf, and the type of person I wouldn't want things to get weird with if we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together, Anyway she's in the US so it's not even an issue.

Still doing some great MSN sessions with Nina. She's a riot. We talk about sex pretty much everyday, and we've reached a point where we really have no barriers, we talk about everything and in great detail. It makes for pretty fascinating discoveries, and it's awesome to get a girl's perspective on the type of things they do to men to make them feel better about themselves in bed, or some of the things that girls really like and want, etc... Her BF finally made love to her the other night and it was very sweet apparently. She was very happy about that.

Shannon and I have been a bit in the cold. She's mad at me I think and bitches so much on MSN that it's becoming a real turn off. She wants me to devote most of my attention to her, but I'm not her fucking boyfriend!!! I talked to Nina about it and I suggested that the next time I go on one of our drunken night outs with Shannon that always ends up with me driving her home at 6am, I will put a move on her and absolutely go for it. It's a win-win situation. If she stops me than I can blame it on the alcohol and the fact that she's hot the next day, and if she accepts I can shag her rotten, and I really will not stop be shy about it... I'll be a total beast and it'll be hot and heavy! Probably do her doggystyle and grab her tits firmly while humping her. Might even jizz on her ass. At least that's my fantasy :) Frankly, not to be mean, but I don't give a shit if how she reacts after that. SHe's been breaking my balls lately and I've been her little man servant and I'm tired of it. Besides, I think she really needs a good fuck!!!

I absolutely have to fuck during this London trip. There are so many single girls around going for drinks in groups that the opportunities are there everywhere. Just got to find the right occasion, the right plan, etc... It'll happen, I just don't know when or how, but it will happen! My cock has been rock hard for hours at times, something that hasn't happened since my teenage years. I no longer have problems ejaculating, my system has adjusted to the meds for good. I can now fuck freely without the concern of not being able to cum. It's not so much for me (though it does feel great) but I don't like for my partner to feel like I can't get the job done, or that she doesn't feel like she can get the job done. Sarah and Maria worried about that when I was on meds before.

Back to online poker. I'm on a winning streak :) Things are definitely good these days.
xx

ps: By now Clara must've gotten the "First Class Bitch" birthday card :-) Can't tell you how satisfying it feels. I don't expect a reaction from her part, and I'm happy not to get any. For me it's the final chapter of a very painful experience, and I'm glad to about the way I could get closure on it.

3 Month Diet and Getting Fat

Almost 3 months without sex. I'm sooo tempted to complain about it here, but instead I will just smile and think to myself "wow, it's really gonna feel amazing next time I DO have sex :)"

I got a reply from Ashley, the girl I met at the 4th of July party last year. She is on for drinks, in two weeks. She took 3 days to reply my facebook msg, and she is agreeing for drinks in two weeks. I think she's playing hard to get. Naughty naughty. Last year she still had a bf. I wonder if that's still the case. I guess I'll find out soon enough. Well not that soon... in two weeks! But yeah, at least we're on for drinks.

Other than that I'm still living a non-life, worrying about getting a job and finding happiness before I turn 30. I'm doing a fixation on this 30 thing. I don't give a damn myself, and I look young, but I feel like my 20s were not that great, and certainly not what I had expected. It wasn't all that bad, but I definitely thought that by 30 I would have life figured out already, and I'm as lost as ever. Funny thing is that when I hit 20, I was in a very dark place as well. I wonder what will happen when I turn 40, if I get there.

I'm not even in the mood to jerk off to porn tonight. I just feel like cuddling. I haven't had sex in 3 months, but I also haven't felt a woman's touch since then. I'm such a romantic! After not eating for weeks, I'm now over eating. I ate everything today: chicken, chocolate, bananas, cookies, crackers, yoghurts, smoothies, candy + a beer and two glasses of wine. Mix that with sitting on my ass all day and it makes for one flat stomach that isn't so flat anymore. Bad Bad B.

Dreading

I dread writing the entry about #8 , Clara, because:

a) it still hurts
b) what next?

What next? What next? What next?

1. Get better
2. Move
3. Find a job
4. Live
5. Fall in love

1. Requires a positive attitude, patience, faith in medication, help, determination, love.

2. I'm sick of The City. It's home and I will always have a deep connection to this place, but I need a change - badly. It's in the works, it's the one thing that gives me some sort of hope because I plan on moving to a bigger city with better opportunities. I have friends and family in The Big City, which is reassuring.

3. I could look for a job now but I'm not in a very good state. It's hard to explain depression to someone who's never lived it. There's a big difference between feeling depressed, and going through depression. Depression is a disease, and its cure isn't the same for every body. What works for some won't work for others. Right now I'm trying to find the right combination for myself, and I am getting better, but until I absolutely rid myself of depression will I be able to seriously start looking for a job and conceive a professional future for myself. I've relapsed four times in the past by speeding the process, and therefore never quite curing my state. I hope that by dealing with it now it will refrain me from snapping at 35 or 40, with possibly a wife and kids. At least right now I'm only harming myself.

4. "I'm not living, I'm killing time" to quote Thom Yorke. I live fragments of life, but every time I go out and try the live, I end up hurting even more the next morning. It's hard to explain. I'm slowly reacquainting myself with the things that once made me happy, such as writing, seeing friends, watching movies... but I'm still struggling to enjoy those things. I want to enjoy life, and I want to follow my bliss, but I'm just not sure where that bliss lies right now.

5. I can't skip 1,2,3 and 4 and go straight to 5, it would give me a false sense of security and satisfaction. I long for someone's touch, for someone's love, for someone's presence, but I have to be able to do things for myself before I start doing things for others. Once I'm able to feel good about my own life, will I be able to bring somebody else into it. That being said I could use some company right now. I really long a woman's touch, especially when she lies to me next in bed, and caresses my back spontaneously in a very tender and soft manner. I think I love nothing more in the world than that. Clara did it one night, and I mistakenly fell in love that very moment.

ps: chatted a bit with potential #9 today, but I just feel too weird about seeing her and I think she's having second thoughts as well. I think I can live without experiencing rebound sex, I doubt it will make me feel much better anyway.