Thoughts of the Night

I was hoping London would be filled with sex, and I've had none in the month that I've been here, but it's been a real surprise at how good I feel being here. It feels like home. I grew up in a city from which I don't originate from, I have therefore never felt completely at home there. I was born from a French mother and American father, and I now feel at home in London. It makes perfect sense, it's the right balance between both nations with a blend of people from all over the world around. Feels like home, because no one here is really home. No one is FROM London, even locals... they'll always tell you that they're from East London, or West London, or north of London, or a town close to London, or elsewhere in the UK: Birmingham, Manchester, Brighton, Portsmouth, etc... than you have the Irish, Scotts, Welsh, who insist they're absolutely not from London, and in the streets you hear French, German, Japanese, Arab, Polish, Russian, Chinese...
I love it.

I am looking fwd to coming to my current home (elsewhere in Europe) in a week. I miss my cat so much, it will be so comforting to see him again. Poor kitty will have to go through quarantine, but apparently the process can be made easier if I start taking care of it while I'm home. I also really look fwd to seeing Bella again (obviously). After a week of no-communication when it was actually my turn to give signs of life (advice from Nina to make her wait) I felt the urge to send her a text today while going to karaoke with my brother, nephew and a small group of friends. She replied at midnight saying that she envied me as she loves karaoke, and that she was looking fwd to hearing about it when i come back. Little things, little words that give me hope. I was tempted to overwrite to her, overshare my experience here, but not communicating too much, but quite regularly nonetheless has made it easier to enjoy my time here while not thinking too much about her, and about how I miss her. It's crazy to think that in my time away from home, which has been just a little over a month, She has left her boyfriend, the summer has left us for good (though today was spring like) and
I have almost completed a full screenplay (that project I've been writing about). It's even crazier to think that 2-3 months ago I was waking up each day thinking about ending my life as going through another day was a battle I didn't feel ready to face. It sounds absurd today, but at the time every second felt like a minute, and every minute felt like an hour.

I miss sex, but I'm not running after it. It will arrive. I feel calmer. Nina suggested I don't even contact Bella until I return, but I couldn't help myself and followed my instincts tonight. Nina's been a great coach. She understands the female mind very well, but at the same time she's always open to my interpretation and we end up finding a middle ground on what my next move should be. I IM her everytime I have a doubt about what my next move should be. Last week I was sulking because Bella had sent me a rather bland e-mail. Nina read it, reassured me right away, but told me to not answer until I come back "Let her desire you". It's silly, I don't agree with that concept, but I don't want to be pushy either so she's been good at keeping me in check. Making sure I don't do TOO much (which i sometimes tend to do and which freaks girls off it seems.) It doesn't feel like too much to me, but I guess it raises red flags in some girl's minds. One girl on Facebook wrote to me after a couple e-mail exchanges saying that she looovvveeed long e-mail and was so thrilled to find someone who liked that too and that if I were in Paris she would've invited me for tea right away, bla bla bla, etc, etc... It was almost tooo much but I was very pleased by her candid and honest comments and replied with a Long e-mail... Not too long but long. It wasn't rude or inapropriate, it was fine by my standards. She replied in 3 lines the next day saying "wow, that was one llooooong e-mail. bla bla bla ok i have to log off, this thing is really a disease!!" and i answered briefly a couple days later and since then Nada. Stupid online communication. Too many people to communicate with, too many platforms: IM, Social Networking, E-mail, Skype, Webcams, Poking, Photo Sharing, Blogging.... I'm addicted though. I wonder if I'll stop writing as soon as I have a gf. Tends to happen.
I'll probably write again as soon as problems arise in the couple... if I get to be in a couple again. Man it's been a long time.

Ok, again I failed to write about sex. I've been trying to check out "normal" sex on youporn.com. I'm tired of elaborate complicated positions with huge cocks and perfect blond shells with sweet asses. I simply want to see normal couples having sex and get turned on by those little details, moments, that make lovemaking an act of bliss and magic. Sounds cheesy doesn't it? I'll try to illustrate it with a link in the next post. For now it's back to bed. xx It's 3 fucking am.

Weekend fun and Week to cum

This week I'm going to clean up my blog a little. I've been slacking in the "tags" and "purple explicit material" department, and I've almost totally given up on proofreading. Sloppy. I'm having such a good time in London that I'm not taking as much time blogging lately, but it's still something that I really enjoy and want to keep up. Blogging was very therapeutic to me when I was down and started Sex at 29, and now it's a bit of a reminder of how much better I feel, and it also allows me to express my doubts and updates on my personal life, mainly in regards to love/sex interests.

Here's a quick update:

I had an awesome weekend. Saw Prince on Thursday at the O2 which totally kicked ass. On Friday went to a dinner party with my two good London friends, Paulo and George, + my brother David and some of George's friends (kinda boring people but ok company) and we ate really good greek food and for the first time ever I smoked a joint with my brother! I was hiding the fact that I smoke sometimes to him, and absolutely did not suspect that he smoked a little too, but voilà at 29 and 32 we finally discover things about ourselves that we were hiding from each other!

Saturday had a long long walk with David in Town. He bought shirts and I just followed him pretty much. We had sushi at Yo Sushi and had a funny conversation with a French waitress. Had a killer workout at the gym after, and completely crashed in my bed in the evening. I managed to have a nice masturbating session in front of youporn.com before going to sleep. Saturday was also Bella's birthday (which I had learned about just one day before in a text msg from her!) so I texted her later Friday night to wish her a happy bday and because I was a bit high and quite smashed I wrote a slightly more daring message in which I said "23 kisses all over". She replied the next morning and thanked me for the nice msg. We're still very "prudent" in our exchanges. I toned down a little because there's no point in things getting more open while we're away from each other, and I think it might freak her out a bit, but we have had a couple nice messages to each other and about one e-mail per week.

Sunday I took it easy and in the evening went to Pamela's dinner party. I hadn't seen her in ages, so it was a bit of class reunion with me, her, Paulo and George (we all were in the same class in school in the small city. We had so many laughs talking about all the crazy things we did back then with teachers. It was such a wild bunch.

Today.... will do my usual routine of going to starbucks and working on my "projects". Tonight, seeing Ricky Gervais :-)

Crazy times! Maybe I'm having too much fun. I need to get serious again :-/

One thing that I am not getting is some ass. I'm really horny these days. Those days of my anti-depressants blocking my sex drive are long over. I want to jerk off just about all the time now, and I really cuz use a fuck, or a shag as they say here :) 120 days with no sex :-/ I'm scoring before going back to the small city. I have to! +, you guys need some good sex stories... it's been rather sexless around here in a while :-)

Weekend Blow Job

I really feel like getting a nice blow job this weekend. Nothing like cumming inside a girl's mouth kneeling in front of you. I'm horny as hell.

3 months 'til 30

I've been pretty horny the past couple days. It seems by body has definitely adjusted to the antidepressants. I had a very easy time cumming after masturbating yesterday, which is something I was really struggling with since I've started to be on medication. Aside from being horny, I'm also feeling very cuddly. I miss not having a special someone in my bed to hug and kiss. I try not to think of Bella in those moments because it could end up being quite frustrating, but she's still in my heart and head naturally. The opportunities to meet women in this city are insane. There are so many single girls in my age group, it's insane. Many cute ones too. Last night we were in a bar which was a little too fancy for my own taste, and the first thing that struck me was the number of girls there. ABout 70% of the crowd. You could hear French being spoken, German, Italian, English of course. I love it.

I can see myself being here for a couple years to get my career on the right track and then maybe return to my city or move stateswide. I didn't think I would enjoy it here as much as I am right now. I like the lifestyle, I like seeing people outside, I like having good friends here and some family. I don't like how fast my money is being spent, but I also found out that if you pick the right places to hang out at, or buy your clothes or food at, it actually can stay fairly reasonable. The city I live in is pretty expensive, so it's not that much of a change. Of course, if I do get a good job here, the salary would have to been very decent.

So you see, I am NOT planning my life based around a girl that I love. I'm happy of myself for being quite serene about it now. This could change if Bella and I do that, but I have to keep my priorities straight, and I know Bella is not the type to require that I stay in the same city with her. In fact, until she spends those 6 months in the US next year, it'll probably very unlikely to start anything really serious. When she comes back from the US is another story, but god knows where we'll be at in our lives then. Hopefully I'll be settled professionally, and she already has a law firm committed to employing her upon her return (in exactly a year).

I'll be 30 in 3 months exactly. I'm at a point where I hope that the next real relationship I'll have will be the good one, though it's not something you can really plan. I don't really want to be 35 or 40 and single. I'd like to have kids I can play catch with and not have to stop after 5 minutes because my back hurts (personal experience). So yeah, my wish for my 30s is to start building myself as a working man, as a family man, and as a spiritually sane man. My 20s kinda sucked, but there have been some great moments and stories during that period. I'm just ready for something more meaningful now. That being said I wouldn't mind a good shag in the next couple weeks.

Dates, Bella, and Anal Sex

My date with Julia was so-so. We got along fine, but no spark there at all. We met in a park and went for drinks and a bite to eat in town before heading to the movies. It was pretty easy to find topics of conversation, but I was bit bored and she was more americanized than I had expected. A little too enthusiastic if you see what I mean. She was dressed like it's the 50s to, which wasn't particularly appealing. But a sweet girl nonetheless, just no spark.

I think she tried to pull a couple moves on me. She did the usual hand in the hair thing, and her pose was quite inviting during drinks. While in the theater she left her hand hanging as if it needed to be held. Her legs were tilted in my direction, and I caught her looking at me a couple times. I was ready to go home after but she suggested getting a drink, so we went in a bar and she ordered a mojito (to lose inhibition?) and I ordered the same, and then before I knew it the conversation turned to my sleeping and anxiety problems. Nice mood killer :)

I walked her to the train station and we said goodbye. I can't say that I performed to well, but I wasn't motivated or interested. I'll have to do better tomorrow with WD. I think it's time we give the Woman of my Dreams a name. Let's call her Bella, it suits her pretty well. So I'll have to do better with Bella, and I'll have to do something about my nervousness because when I'm nervous I sweat, and last night, even though there was no reason to be nervous whatsoever, I started dripping from the forehead during our visit during our first sit down at the bar. It must've been very obvious. It happens to me ALL the time, that's why I dislike the summer so much. If anyone has any times I'm listening, cuz I'm out of ideas. Talc powder works pretty well but how am I gonna get that on my forehead with out looking like I just plunged my head in a bowl of cocaine?

Ashley canceled tonight's date. A bit of relief as I really want to put all my effort on Thursday's rendez-vous with Bella. I asked Nina to decode Bella's text message to seek for signs of whether she might be interested in more than just friendly assistance in something she's working on, and after close analysis, she said that it seems like Bella is using the help excuse to meet, that she's making the first move, but that she'll expect me to make the 2nd one, but without throwing myself at her. All of this from one text message :) In appearance there's no substantial evidence that she wants more than just to meet, but a couple small details has me thinking there might be more, and this was confirmed from the great female mind of Nina. There's one sentence in particular: "Now you have my number". Then there's the smiley, and add to that the fact that we could've settled the matter by phone, that I felt something clicked when we met, etc, etc... well, it just makes me think that maybe, just maybe Bella and I will hit it off, get married, have kids, and live happy ever after :)

On to the sex part. Nina and I had an awesome conversation by msn yesterday about Anal love. The thing that I love about Nina, is that we can talk so openly about our sex lives, and give out TMI without feeling weird, on the contrary. She knows I have a modest sized shlong, and I know she has a rather loose vagina, which is what prompted me to say that we'd probably have to have anal sex together for her to get her kicks. She mentioned that it hasn't been a great experience for her so far, but by the end of the conversation she said it sounded like she was missing out on something, and that she would have to try it again. She was surprised to hear that out of my 8 partners, I had successfully sodomized 3 of them (whereas she has been romanced in the butt 2 out of 18 times, and had fingered one guy!). God bless that woman.

Tags and Stuff

I've added tags to the site, which should help you browse through the content if you're a new reader. You can also check out the Cast list for short notes on the crazy characters of this blog.

I'm totally messed up this morning. I'm addicted to sleeping pills, and can't sleep without them, but the problem is that I wake up after 3-4 hours, when the effect wears off. My sleep is a total mess as a result, and this morning I'm really feeling the ill effects of all of this.

I'm very excited about my date with WD (Woman of my Dreams) on Thursday. I hope I won't be a nervous wreck. I tend to sweat a lot -mainly from the forehead, when I'm nervous. She's such a cutie, I wonder how our conversation will go. It has to go well, I don't see it happening any other way. WD is really helping me forget about #8 Clara. I feel a sense of disgust and wish for revenge when I think of Clara. What an evil mind. I'd really like to think that this period of my life was just meant to be, to allow me to learn what I really want out of life, and to give me a clean slate, a new begining, as cheesy as that sounds.

I can cum daily again when masturbating, phew. The reassuring thing is that I can stay hard a long time, which wasn't the case everytime my doctor increased the dosage of my medication. No increases in sight, so all should be ok sexually.

I'm going to the Big City in 10 days. Time flies. I don't feel quite ready, but I have time to get ready. Just need to really get cracking on preparations and practical stuff.

First of 3 consecutive dates tonight! (Julia tonight, Ashley tomorrow, WD Thursday). This is just a friendly date, so no expectations, but should be a nice evening. Full recap tomorrow of course.

Love, Squirting, and Total Lameness.

It hasn't been a bad week. It hasn't been an extraordinary one, but I've been fairly productive, so I'm pretty happy about that. The woman of my dreams (Bella) hasn't called, I'm afraid she won't call. What a damn shame.

I don't have really anything to write. I'm waiting for something to happen, and things will only happen if I get myself out there. There was a time where I would rely a lot on the internet to find my women, but seems like it's not getting me too far, and it brought me heartache recently, so fuck, why not try to meet someone in the real world? Maybe I'm just encouraged because Sunday went very well, I talked to a lot of girls, there were good exchanges, more might've happened?? I don't know, but it did boost my confidence, so I'm gonna ride the wave.

God this post is lame. DId I mention that I was having trouble cumming a gain? I tried for 4 days and the skin of my poor penis is starting to come off, so I had to give it a rest and finally yesterday I wanked in front of, yup, you guessed it... a clip of a girl squirting like mad. It just makes me so damn horny. I talked about it with Nina the other day, and she would love to be able to squirt. God bless that girl.

Drunk

I am so drunk right now, but the good news is that is that i have met the woman of y,y life, and she is the carbon copy of Maria, but better. She is so fucking swettz. I want to see her again, she has my bumber, buit i dont' have hers. I hope she calls .me. She was super drunk, and our amazing conversation was interruppted by her voiming, to which i had to tell her boydrriend to go look after her. I lost touch of her, and i was so fucking dfrung that i didn't even checup on her. I refre4t. Instead i fo0llwd shannon and other mathers to another club, and we got fucking drunmg and i hit on fra ranch herigl owhom i think digged me pretty much but klike the pansy that i man, i left and say dgoddbye and kissed her on the checcks and tdidn't giver my number… DSOHHHH°T i'm sorfucking cudmnbg in those situations gods dammit. itaopij ppolshould nest be . UHHHH shanonn si takging ththe a day off tomoroow, and hogd adamn it ai how pe that will fucking fuck soon because she is majing so damn horyn. ai man comn onshe must want a coeck in ther bomouth by mow. now? Comon cshaonng i ewant to fuckg you suco bac¨. nadsibhnédfhaélshf oh yeah her tits are so fuckjing amazing . sheeeeeejus. i was to see her fucking boooooooooobs dammit. oh yeah, put ym coxok in between dem , cum on them , and her mouzth. and the shove my cock in her mouzth and tell her. hmm, you like that huh. and she fgoes hum,mmm b i want your cockl in my puzssy right now, cutz its so wet. fuckin ,BE BBBBB: iauliaksuhflkasjf$




and them climax and jizz all over the place and hopefully she squirts like a fu king mad woman. yeahhhhh

adsfméoaisdhfpoadhf

Affection

It's the weekend. What's happening this weekend? Not a whole munch planned. I might hit the gym in an hour or two. Haven't gone for about 10 days, which is not good. I've been lazy and tired lately, but today I'm determined to go. Besides, Saturday's are very quiet there, and I like to have the place to myself. I'm not an exercise freak, but the feeling after working out or doing sports is such a natural high that I really feel like I should force myself to do it more often.

I don't know what to say other than my situation is still pretty much the same. I still lack motivation, I still lack drive, I still feel lonely, I still fear for the future, but I'm still not giving up. Somewhere ahead I have to get better and live a little. Right now, the baby steps feel like stagnation land. Think positive, think positive.

So what about sex? It's in the title of this blog if I'm not mistaken. What I could say about sex is that I after watching porn daily over the last 3 months, I'm a bit porned out. These days I would be happy with simply having normal, sweet sex. I also would be happy just kissing, cuddling. I miss it so much. THANK GOD for my cat. He is such a sweetie. He jumps on my lap when I'm on the computer or watching tv, he curls up behind my legs when I'm in bed, he purrs like crazy when I caress him. Yesterday I had my hand on his stomach, and it felt so warm, so soft, so comforting. He's just a cat, he can't bring me everything, but he can bring me a little affection, and I crave that so much right now.

3 Month Diet and Getting Fat

Almost 3 months without sex. I'm sooo tempted to complain about it here, but instead I will just smile and think to myself "wow, it's really gonna feel amazing next time I DO have sex :)"

I got a reply from Ashley, the girl I met at the 4th of July party last year. She is on for drinks, in two weeks. She took 3 days to reply my facebook msg, and she is agreeing for drinks in two weeks. I think she's playing hard to get. Naughty naughty. Last year she still had a bf. I wonder if that's still the case. I guess I'll find out soon enough. Well not that soon... in two weeks! But yeah, at least we're on for drinks.

Other than that I'm still living a non-life, worrying about getting a job and finding happiness before I turn 30. I'm doing a fixation on this 30 thing. I don't give a damn myself, and I look young, but I feel like my 20s were not that great, and certainly not what I had expected. It wasn't all that bad, but I definitely thought that by 30 I would have life figured out already, and I'm as lost as ever. Funny thing is that when I hit 20, I was in a very dark place as well. I wonder what will happen when I turn 40, if I get there.

I'm not even in the mood to jerk off to porn tonight. I just feel like cuddling. I haven't had sex in 3 months, but I also haven't felt a woman's touch since then. I'm such a romantic! After not eating for weeks, I'm now over eating. I ate everything today: chicken, chocolate, bananas, cookies, crackers, yoghurts, smoothies, candy + a beer and two glasses of wine. Mix that with sitting on my ass all day and it makes for one flat stomach that isn't so flat anymore. Bad Bad B.

The Next Girl

It's very intriguing not knowing who will be the next girl that I will smooch, shag, fall in love with or who will break my heart. I've had my heart broken by two girls, Sarah and Clara. But really, the common thing in both those heartbreaks is that I was dumped, when seemingly right before things were going very well. Very deceiving. Give and get fucked. Next time around, I will not be an asshole, but I will definitely protect myself more, and think of myself before thinking for the other person, which I admit I've done too much of in the past.

I'm in the middle stage of getting better. I said a while ago that I was 70% recovered from my depression. I believe it's really more like 50%. Tomorrow I'm seeing my shrink, a very attractive columbian woman. She's probably 40-45, and she's damn sexy. I always make sure I look good when I go to my appointments with her. I've noticed the last two times that she had just sprayed perfume on her. If tomorrow she does it again, I'm going for it :) Of course I won't, but I've been fantasizing taking her on her desk since I first saw her. I don't know how turned on she could be by a guy who cries and complains about his life in front of her, but maybe it's her thing. Just a stupid fantasy, but it's nice to have an attractive girl listen to you and say the right things. It hasn't happened in a while. Nina is good at that, but Nina is taken and is a friend, besides, most of our conversations are online anyway, and right now what I really miss is human contact not involving a screen and a keyboard.

I've been drinking too much lately, or rather too often. I'm slowly becoming an addict. I take 3 kinds of medication + sleeping pills + i drink. I've stopped pot, but if I had some right now I would roll a big one and listen to massive attack's Mezzanine.

I'm still in my Squirt stage. I'm quite fascinated by female ejaculation. I read that 1 in 15 girl have this ability. No idea if that's true, but I must say the sight of girls getting off, cumming, squirting, and screaming in pleasure is quite a turn on. Any squirter readers out there?

Ok, back to wine and music in my living room. I'm working on a project, but it's top secret. So shhhhh.

Shannon

I just re-read my last entry, and
I have absolutely no recollection of writing it. Especially the last paragraph. Amazing what drugs can do to your mind, even something light like sleeping pills.


Shannon just IMed me. She wants to have lunch together, I don't have anything really going on today so I accepted. I was pretty close to making a move on her Friday whilst completely hammered. The only other time I made a move on her was two years ago when we met at work. We went out for drinks with a group of work mates, and I tried to grind with her on the dancefloor, but she pulled out, sending clear signals that she wasn't interested. I since the have given up, and come to not feel as attracted to her over the years.

Shannon is a pretty attractive girl. She has wavy blond her, clear blue eyes, very pale skin and lots of freckles, which I find pretty cute. She's the Lindsay Lohan type. She has a good body, good proportions and breast which I envision to look amazing. She's athletic but smokes way too much, has bad eating habits, and seems addicted to coke (acola, not the white powder).

The cigarette is a big turn off for me. I don't mind a girl who has a smoke socially, but she's cigging from morning to night. Her fingers are yellow as a result and she's got bad nails. Those details don't do it for me. But we've become good friends. She's pretty lonely and has been unlucky in love, but she's been very clear about the fact that she can only have sex when in love. This is what has stopped me from trying to shag her, but Friday while touching her leg in that bar at 6am, I really was fantasizing about a morning fuck with her. I wonder if she's starting to like me more. I've been more distant with her in the last couple months, which tends to rub her the wrong way, but don't girls love that? She's the type to fall in love with the wrong guy, and I have no interest in her as a "serious" partner, I'm probably moving to another city soon... I fit the profile of the Shannon type!

I might be thinking over my head here, but who knows. Let's say something did happen with Shannon, here's how I envision it would happen:

We're out drinking from late in the afternoon to early in the morning. I drop her at her flat in my car (again, not a good idea to be driving) and as we say goodbye I notice something in her smile and eyes that says "I want you to fuck me". So instead of kissing her on the cheek, I go for her lips, and she doesn't pull out.

Fast Forward 2 minutes, and we're in her elevator (lift for the brit folks) and now we're snogging like teenagers, as I am leaning against her, I clasp her against the wall, and lift her left leg. She can feel my hard cock through my pants against her hip. She starts to moan.

We're in her flat now, it's a bloody mess cuz Shannon is a slob. She apologized for the mess, tries to remove some bras from her bed, but I grab her from behind, and push her on the bed, falling onto it with her. I'm drunk so I stumble, and accidentally fall on her arm. She yells in pain, I apologize, then we laugh. We stop for a moment, the mood slows down, and now I'm kissing her gently. I sense she is becoming nervous, I reassure her by tenderly putting my arm on her cheek, and back her neck. I kiss her, she opens her mouth ever so slightly, and our tongues makes their way together, sucking each other....

ok screw the foreplay part, just imagine it as being nice and putting Shannon in the mood while my cock is yelling inside my pants "suck me!"

Fast forward a few minutes and we're now naked. Her breasts look amazing! I massage them for a while as we're both sitting, facing each other and kissing, and finally she gets down on me and starts working on my rock hard -pointing to the sky- straight uncut 6 in dick. I'm on back and she sucks on my cock, and doing a pretty good (blow) job I have to say! After about 5 minutes, she gets on top of me. I let her do most of the deciding, because I don't want to rush her, besides I like when a girl is on top.

She has her eyes closed while rocking her hips against my sliding cock. Hands on my chest, and back slightly arched. Her moaning is contagious, and I can feel she is enjoying the action. Unlike some girls who just try to please their man by acting like pornstars and putting on a show (which can be nice as well but you get my point) she is just enjoying the moment, and feeling every sensation that penetration and physical contact brings. It's contageous, and I'm thinking to myself (hmmm, this is really good).

The pace increased, and I feel her nearing climax. I increase the motions, making sure to stay in her groove, and suddenly I feel her whole body tensing up, her pussy muscles tightening, and she lets go a high pitched scream, which she tries to muffle by grabbing a pillow and biting it.

Fast forward to a break, some talking, smiling, recuperating, and we get back to it, this time I get I'm facing her, legs kneeld and back straight, I grab her hips, pull them against me, and I fuck her madly, controlling every move. It's louder and more intense than before, and it's also very good. As I near the big "O", I do something that I hadn't plan on doing, but the sight of her breasts is just too damn hot. I pull out, get on top of her, and shoot my cum all over her tits, and accidently some of it reaches her neck and hair. She seems surprised but goes with it. Afterwards I grab tissues and clean her up. We kiss, and fall asleep in each others arms.

The next day is weird. We have breakfast and panadols in her kitchen. She smokes, and I have coffee. We kiss goodbye, and I feel damn good but a little confused as to what will happen now.

Ok back to reality, I have to get ready for lunch. I'll be staring at her boobs the whole time!

tah.

ps: i have this bad habit about not proofreading what i write until hours later. please excuse my bad grammar and typos :-)

Coffee and Sleeping Pills

Back up. I slept about 3 hours, and now I feel pretty fucked up. Sleeping pills and coffee don't mix well.

A girl I met a year ago, Ashley, added me on facebook. Why is this newsworthy? Because when I met her at a 4th of July party we instantly clicked. She's pretty hot and seems like a genuine nice fun girl. Will anything come out of this? Probably not, but I think she might be single now :-) I'm always looking for love, I should really stop that. Besides, I can't get attached to a girl now that I'm looking to move cities.

Things I want to do before I die:

- threesome (2 girls)
- have sex a with a girl who squirts
- pay off my debts
- fuck an ex
- fuck a celebrity

That about sums it up. I have other career goals but who gives a fuck about that, right? I might want kids. Well, in reality I really would like to meet the love of my life within 5 years, get married, have kids, and lead a happy & comfortable life, while having amazing sex with my wife and keeping things fresh as to not fall into a boring routine. I long for stability, but I have a need to escape.

Feeling pretty out of it this morning. Will be more productive this afternoon.

Sunday Rambling

It feels pretty good to have gotten the sex stories out of the way. Clean slate now. I'm now wondering if that's it for my sex life in the twenties. I'm turning 30 in 4 months, and given my current lifestyle I would say there's about a 50/50 chance that I will score again by the end of the year. I will be spending one month living with my bro in the Big City, and bringing a girl home is absolutely out of the question. My bro and I are pretty private about our personal lives, especially when it comes to girls, and I like it that way. We're more open about it than we were a few years ago, but I still can't possibly imagine fucking a girl with him in the room next door. No way. But why even think of this when I have absolutely no reason to believe I will score while in The Big City.

I'm not counting on doing anything with possible #9 girl either. The more I think about it, the more I feel it's a bad idea. I'm just not attracted by her physically, nor by her personality. It just doesn't feel like a good idea.

I'm on medication right now, which has had a very positive effect on my mood, there's absolutely no question about it. The down side is that there are a few side effects, the worst being a significant decrease in my ability to stay hard and cum. Not cool. However my body is adjusting, and after two weeks of struggle and feeling that I have the dick of a 70 year old, I can now stay fully erect, and cum more easily, but I really need to work hard for it to happen. If I were to have sex, I might just have to cross out having an orgasm. Not such a big deal, girls do it all the time. Am I right or am I right?

Ok, time to shower and get dressed. More rambling later in the day. smooch.

Nina and #8 Clara (part 2)

If I had to marry somebody, it would be Nina.

Nina

Nina and I met at work in 2004. At first, I wasn't particularly drawn to her, but as she often passed in front of my desk to see our big boss, we'd often smile at each other, and finally one day I struck up a conversation with her. I remember it quite vividly, it was right at the beginning of 2005. We were talking about our mutual x-mas holiday breaks, and both of us had had major fights with our Exes of 4 years. Things just clicked between her and I, and through Instant messaging at work, we opened up a lot to each other, revealing many secrets and personal things. We began to take breaks together, and at one point I thought something was happening between the two of us, and I was hoping that we would date.

As she opened up to me, I began feeling more and more attracted to her. Blond hair, amazing green-blue eyes, a pretty face with very cute fossetts on her cheeks, a nice smile. She was and still is a bit overweight. She doesn't have what today's standards would call an amazing body, but I was very turned on by it nonetheless. Her breasts are huge! Almost too big. She has very pretty legs. But most of all, she has that special spark.

Finally, the subject of sex came one day on IM, and we now talk about it all the time. But both know that we love it, and we both are very open sexually and in our discussions. I'd love to have sex with her, but I also could easily fall in love with her. She has everything that I like in a person: She is very caring, loving, has a great sense of humor, she listens, she more than anyone understands what I am going through (even though she doesn't suffer from depression, she has had her own psychological troubles). She is a very family orientated person, she has good values but she also knows how to party and have fun. She has a very high emotional IQ. She has blond moments but doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes her soooo charming. She keeps telling me how she can be a total bitch to her bf and sulk for hours but I'm sure that she's a sweetheart with him.

I respected Nina tremendously and owe her a lot for being the person who has helped me the most when I was down. She gives me a lot of hope that maybe some day I will meet someone that I will fall in love with, and that will be good for me (unlike Clara). I could fall in love with Nina, and I did have a crush on her for a long time, but for now I just feel lucky knowing her and am thrilled to be friends with her.

She seems pretty serious with her couple, but like in every couple, some issues do exist. The biggest issue in hers is related to sex. They're not at all on the same wave length in the department, as he much more reclusive and doesn't get turned on easily. It's sad, and I know she suffers from it a lot. In some ways, I would cherish the opportunity to go out with her if things didn't work out with her bf, but I don't even know if she would be willing to start something with me, if she is attracted to me. We're closer now than we were when we were both single, so maybe this time things would be different, but I doubt it will happen and it's nothing something I'm waiting to happen. That being said, I bet that sex would get along great in bed.

She's very open sexually. She told me that she likes giving head, anal sex, having her man cum on her tits, etc. She has toys, and she likes to try new things. She said something that really caught my attention and that I agreed with. She said that 80% of the time she likes sex to be a very loving act, tender but hot. But 20% of the time she likes things to be very wild. Something with Clara that scared me a lot was her relationship with sex, but also what turned me about her. Clara watched a lot of porn, all kinds of porn. She wanted to try a 3some with a girl, she liked to use toys, but what scared me a lot is that she liked to be dominated during sex. She wanted me to smack her butt really hard, and pull her hair. I know that in her childhood her mother was a bit abusive, and I'm sure it has an impact on sex life today, but it's something I was never completely comfortable with. While I enjoy some of the domination/submissive games, I'm not one for extremes, and I think Clara wanted a man that could dominate her more convincingly than I could. She told me that I wasn't pervert enough during sex, which really surprised me. The fact that I wasn't a good enough lover for completely shattered my self esteem in bed. To me, she tried to much to have sex like a pornstar, which can be fun at times but which isn't real sex. Some of the things she did were replicas of Jenna Jameson's tricks, who happened to be Clara's favorite Porn actress.

Yet I loved having sex with her, I was extremely turned on by devil /angel duality in sex, but affected by it as well. After sex Clara was often very cute and cuddly and seemed extremely happy. Yet from what I got after she left me, and even during some IM conversations we had while we were seeing each other, is that she wasn't completely happy with my performances. What a bitch. I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I fell for her. I hate that I fell for her. She's the only person that I really wished I had never met, because I hate how I reacted around her, and after the breakup. I felt and still feel like a failure, yet I know deep in my mind that she is the stupid one, she is the fucked up one, she is the sad person. Love is blind, can drive you crazy, can fuck with your mind. It certainly did with Clara.

But maybe everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nina was the only person who was able to make me feel better about Clara. I can't really say how she did it, but she said the exact things that I needed to hear. I'm having trouble explaining how she did it, but she simply did. And even if I still haven't recovered from the Clara fuck up, Nina enabled me to get back to reality and remind me that: A girl like Nina is what I need. A girl that releases my good sides. I love how I am around Nina, I am completely myself and feel no anxiety or second guess what I say. With Clara, I kept second guessing every single thing that came out of my mouth, and a lot of the things that I would say, I would end up regretting, or would come out differently than I wanted them to come.

Ok, Fuck you Clara. I'm done with you in this blog. In a fucked up way I still hope we can be friends, but in reality I just really want to succeed and be happy in life and come back in a few years and show you how I was so much better off without you, and without that fucking job that I hated, and that you gave me so much shit for quitting. Fucking bitch. I want revenge and I hope that you'll pay for your the way you treated me.

That felt better. Now let's move on. I don't want to think about her anymore. Let's move forward!

#7 Tatiana

A pretty long break happened between #6 and #7. About 5 months. During that time I didn't pursue any sort of action. I was jobless and not in a very good state of mind. At the end of the year I would meet Tatiana, a cabaret beauty from Russia.

#7 Tatiana

Many of my friends have solved the lack of sex in their lives by opting to "pay" for sex. It's something that never really appealed to me. It just doesn't feel right to have intercourse with someone who doesn't have sex with you for what's in your pants (or heart) but for what's in your wallet instead.

So Tatiana is a lady of the night, or as she would probably call herself, a cabaret artist. One night, after a frustrating loss in an online p0ker tournament, my desperate friend Max insisted we get a drink at a pretty ritzy cabaret in town. I needed a drink, and figured watching topless girls (for the most part gorgeous and from eastern europe) perform their art would be fairly harmless and enjoyable. Fast forward a couple hours later and here I am, melting for Tatiana whose smile, siberian eyes and sense of humor completely captured me, to the point where I went over my evening budget to share a bottle of champagne with my friend and our two charming escorts.

Nothing happened that night aside from some drunken dancing on the cabaret dancefloor, and my first ever performance using a pole, which I have to say very much enjoyed and excelled at. Quite honestly, it was one of the funnest nights I've ever had. Max and I were the only customers, and Tatiana and Max's girl were a lot of fun, and genuinely seemed to enjoy our company, especially on the dance floor which was very much similar to the one in Saturday Night Fever. That evening cost me way too much, but the fun and I was priceless (ironically I paid with a mastercard).

I would see Tatiana again a few weeks later at the cabaret, and a couple more times outside of her "work" for dinner at my place and in a russian restaurant (absolutely foul I might add). I felt silly for falling in the category of guys who fall for strippers, but I truly enjoyed every second with her and I can't escape the fact that she is a very nice girl with a great sense of humor and amazing charm. I was extremely attracted to her, she made me laugh, and we got along great. We'd talk about everything and nothing, and at no point did I feel used by her, although of course the two evenings at the cabaret did hurt my bank account, and the dinner and drinks out weren't free, but she could see I wasn't a rich man, and she didn't ask for money or gifts at any point. I think she truly liked spending time with me, and appreciated that I didn't just want to fuck her.

One morning, my phone rang at 6am. It was Tatiana, and I could barely understand her words (her work involved massive amounts of champagne drinking each night, highly unhealthy). After a couple minutes I figured out that she wanted to see me. In 15 minutes, I was showered, dressed, and at her door. She had fallen asleep, quite drunk, and surprised to see me, but happy that I had showed up.

That morning would be the only time that we would have sex. It was quite good. For one, she gave amazing head (like a professional one might say). Upon pulling my boxers off she exclaimed with her broken english and sexy russian accent: "I finally get to see you... oh my you're big!" which is absolutely hilarious because I am not big at all, below average for sure. Her sense of humor was very sarcastic, so maybe she was being sarcastic at that point but regardless I didn't care, and thought it was kind of funny.

I was a bit nervous. It was early in the morning, and felt out of synch with her state for this was the end of the day for her and she was drunk, and the start of the day for me and I was sober. I lacked that euphoric feel that alcohol brings, which certainly would've helped feel more at ease. I don't think I performed too well. I was rusty, but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. At first she got on top of me, but something felt weird. She made strange hip movements which were probably aimed at increasing sensation, but which really felt odd and out of place. I asked if she could turn around, and she said "doggystyle? yes sure!" Doggystyle was fine, but she spread her legs so much that her low position made it difficult for me to fuck her correctly, and pulled my cock south (my cock points to the sky when erect, and it tends to hurt a bit when I have to penetrate at an angle below 90 degrees).

After not being able to cum doggystyle, I pulled out and took my condom off as my cock was becoming soft again. I was out of practice, the medication I was taking was affecting my ability to get hard (more about this problem in future posts) and the circumstances were just a little too weird for me. We cuddled instead, which was quite nice and tender. After about ten minutes of cuddling, Tatiana reached for my cock and began to stroke it. As it got rock hard again she got on top of me, and I got into a sitting position, with Tatiana's body wrapping mine. We fucked that way for a while, and finally I felt myself reaching the big 'O'. I came in her, completely indifferent to the fact that I wasn't using a condom, that Tatiana was a lady of the night, and the risks that involved (disease? baby? both??) I stayed at her place that night. She warned me of which was "her" side of the bed, and when I went to "my" side, lying on my back, she leaned close to me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her leg against my body. She said goodnight, and fell asleep. I remember feeling very happy. This was a very tender moment, one that I hadn't felt since Maria (#4).

I saw Tatiana again a couple weeks later. We had coffee, talked, then hugged and said goodbye to each other as she had to head back home for 3 months, until she was allowed to get a visa to work in the country I live in again. We stayed in touch through e-mail and text messages, and upon her return here she called me. She works in a different city, 5 hours from here. It's probably a good thing. I felt something special for her. Not love, but a crush nonethless, and not having her close probably saves me from returning to a cabaret and maxing out my credit card.

On the night Tatiana left, I met Clara (#8). In a way, I wish I hadn't met Clara, as I am still hurting today by the way our relationship ended, and the way it didn't continue. I won't be completely healed until I can prove to myself that I can still be appreciated as a person and as a lover by a woman I desire. I'm waiting for that day, yet I don't know if I'm ready for it.

I should mention that I only had sex with Clara using a condom, and that 3 months after my night with Tatiana, I got tested for STDs and HIV. The results were negative, and Tatiana is not pregnant. Phew!

#6 Sonja

Right after my fling with Lynn, I would experience another short lived affair, with another ex co-worker. I say ex, because she left work earlier that year, but we remained in contact after her departure.

#6 Sonja

Sonja confided in me a lot. She was about 6ft tall, with very long legs. Her hair was long and black, and she had the most amazing clear blue eyes. Sonja was a former stewardess, and spoke several languages. Sonja, however, was married. Her husband was a pilot, and therefore rarely home. As a result, Sonja felt very lonely and depressed (depression being a topic we often discussed as we were both victim of it). When her husband was home, she felt he wasn't attentive to her and to her needs. I never would've considered approaching Sonja because of her married status, but my best friend at work had revealed to me that he had had an affair with Sonja while at work. This did not surprise me one bit, as they often lunched together, and Sonja was quite flirty with him during after work drinks. My friend simply made a move before I thought about it. We often joked about who would get to sleep with her first, but in reality I think none of us dreamed it would really happen. In fact, I believe it is really Sonja who made the move on my friend, and not the other way around.

Eventually, my friend stopped the affair, probably feeling too guilty about the whole ordeal. Shortly after, Sonja began calling me more often, and we went on a couple dinner dates together, but I still refrained for doing more. It just didn't feel right, and it was a territory I had not yet entered (getting involved in cheating - being a married woman's lover).

One morning I woke up and the image of Sonja on top of me jumped into my mind. I must've been dreaming that night about fucking her because I could not think of anything else that morning. I masturbated to her that morning, and it felt great. On my way to my shrink's later that day, I texted her, asking is she wanted to come to my place that evening for drinks. She instantly replied positively. Later that night, I finally made my move.

It was on my living room couch. We kissed for a while, and felt each other's bodies with our hands. I didn't feel much of a spark, but I was very turned on by the realization that I had woken up thinking of her in the morning, and that my spontaneous decision to contact her actually resulted in the outcome that I had fantasized about for a long time, and more than ever at the start of the day.

After unzipping my pants and pulling my pants off, Sonja removed by boxers and proceed to give me great head. She didn't seem hesitant at all. Everything was very methodic, as if she was used to doing this quite a lot (which maybe she did?). She kneeled on the rug, and used both her hands to massage my raised cock while facing me. She sucked enthusiastically and with a lot of technique. You could tell she had done this quite a bit, and had developed a routine. I suggested we move to the bed as she looked quite uncomfortable on my floor, and the contact of my leather couch against my naked body didn't do much for me.

I don't remember much of what followed except that it was pretty nice. I never did feel that spark with Sonja that night, but we had good sex nonetheless, and would have good sex again twice in the span of a month. Her lips were very wet, and her body somewhat cold, even though I have to say she was a good lover, and quite open sexually, even though she often admitted to me that she disliked her body a lot.

The last time we made love was the nicest. I say love because it was much more tender, more intimate in a way than our previous two sessions. I remember being on top of her, with my chest against her, and her legs wrapped against my thighs, her hands on my butt. I remember putting my forearm and elbow flat on the bed, cupping her shoulders with my hands while motioning my hips against hers. It felt amazing, but a little too intimate. I remember thinking that the way we were fucking that afternoon resembled more the act of a couple in love having sex for the first time, than that of a married woman having an affair with her co-worker.

Sonja was glowing after I came. I was absolutely exhausted after cumming (quite loudly I recall), and could barely keep my eyes open after that. She stayed a long time on my bed, naked, looking at me, smiling, and playing with my chest hair with her hand.

A month later I found out that she was pregnant. I was terrified at the thought that it might be from me, even though we had used a condom. Weeks later I spoke to her and she reassured me that her husband was for sure the father, but as I would later find out, when we had sex that afternoon, she was already a couple weeks pregnant. :-S

Needless to say, that stopped me from seeing her again, at least for sex. We did see each other a couple times after, and had dinner together like we did back when we were just friends. I felt very guilty about my part in this situation, but today Sonja has a lovely baby girl, and to my knowledge her marriage is going better.

#5 Lynn

I'm writing a sex blog, but I have to admit that I am quite repulsed at the state of sexuality in the 21st century. With easy access to pornography on the internet and cell phones, it seems like pornography is everywhere, and contains no boundaries. More and more people are trying to have sex like pornstars, rather than simply finding the right elements that make the act of having sex so unique and enjoyable. This might seem ironic as I write candidly about my fantasies and experiences, focusing on the imagery and graphic nature of the act rather than in the overall emotional experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love sex, I watch porn and get turned on by it, but I also feel a sense of disgust at how messed up sex can become and how one-dimensional sex is portrayed out there in the world today.

Ok enough preaching, here's a different episode in my life.

#5 Lynn

I love categorizing things, ranking things. It comes from my love for logic, calculus and sports. I believe it not to always be a true reflection of one's true ability (someone with an IQ of 135 isn't necessarily smarter than someone with an IQ of 115 for instance), but it makes me feel more organized, and more in control of my life and persona. The reason I'm saying this, is because the sex I had with Lynn ranks as the worst sex that I've had.


Lynn was a 40yr old co-worker, 12 years my senior. She was a rather attractive woman, but not really my type. Short blond hair, cold blue eyes, big teeth, tiny breasts with huge nipples, and a strong athletic body. Very nice ass I might add. Irritating laugh and facial expressions during the act that had me looking away. Lynn was in a bad marriage for
12 years with a man who didn't know how to satisfy her sexually, and who didn't care for sex at all... thinking that sex was a dirty act. As a result, Lynn was very thirsty for new and exciting experiences. I would be only her 2nd or 3rd partner since her breakup. I'll spare you the details of how we got to sleep with each other, only to say that during our first night together I struggled greatly as:

1) her pussy was waaaaay too loose for my modestly thick penis
2) she was way too aggressive in her movements, squeezing my arms and legs with her limbs with the force of Lucy Lawless, causing major neck pain and skin burns.

Lynn was aggressive in everything she did. I remember being shocked by how fiercely she chopped onions and scrubbed her dishes.

The sex lacked any sensuality, and was clearly painful than enjoyable. I dealt with this by outdueling her wresting moves, pushing her away from me, grabbing her thighs and taking control. Unable to come facing her, I turned her body around and proceeded to fuck her from behind. Her ass was definitely a better feature than her breasts and face. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but it's the sad truth. Her back was pretty nice as well, quite muscular as you can imagine.

Doggystyle was slightly better, but I could still feel only little sensation while penetrating her. None of that nice pussy squeezing feeling around my shaft. It almost felt as though I was fucking an empty tennis ball tube.

We had sex about 4-5 times over a period of two weeks. Finally, the excitement of sleeping with a co-worker, and the relief of getting back into action after 4 years of exclusivity to Maria wared off. I put an end to the relationship. Lynn didn't take to it well, and even suggested we become fuck buddies. At that time I was growing uncomfortable at work as I could feel some people noticing signs that Lynn and I were screwing around (thanks to her increasing visits to my office, and unsubtle blinks of the eye). I refused her offer and tried my best to be civil to her and not act as an ass hole who had simply used her for a lay or two. None of that find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em crap.

a couple weeks later, on a Friday night, I got drunk, and as I was headed home (by foot of course) Lynn called to say "I'm in your area and thought I'd say hi" to which I replied "oh hi! well I'll be home in 5 minutes. Why don't you come by?". This would be our last fuck but also the best I had with her. It was the best because I wasn't thinking, I was just following my instincts which consisted in grabbing her at the entrance of my flat, taking all her clothes off, carrying her against my wall mirror, and feeling her with my hands and mouth right there in the dark. I then proceeded to carry her to my room, throw her on the bed, and reach for a comdom. At which point she turned around and got on her knees in doggystyle position. I fucked her intensely that way for a few minutes, after which she whispered in my ear "fuck me in the ass". I happily did, as you well know by now that my cock and her pussy don't mix and match too well. The anal sex we had after that felt much better, and triggered some loud moans and grunts from her part. I came in less than 30 minutes, which was a first with her.

She left my flat at 5am to change home before picking up her kids at their granparents' house. I was very happy to wake up alone, and satisfied that our last fuck turned out to be our best.

What followed wasn't very glorious. She began stalking me at work, following me in the parking lot, and calling me in the middle of the night begging me to give her another chance. Eventually I had to urge her to stop contacting me in any shape or form. A month later I had what would be my 4th breakdown due to depression, which later triggered the end of my work. A place I loved, but a job I didn't particularly enjoy. Lynn tried to contact me again, but I put an end to it by sending her a mean -but just- e-mail, in which I underlined that her actions were making me uneasy and were a threat to my well being. Thankfully, she respected my request and I haven't heard from her since.

A few posts ago, I wrote about the "follow me and i will avoid you / avoid me and i will follow you" syndrome. Most of the time I'm in the follower's position (though never in the psycho harassing Lynn way) but in this case, I was definitely turned out to be the avoider.

#4 Maria

I once had a blog 3 years ago that started after my relationship with Maria started to turn sour, mainly sexually speaking. I took down the blog 2 years ago, after Maria and I broke up, and I no longer felt the need or the desire to keep writing.

#4 Maria

Maria is the one true love that I had. We met when I was 23, and she was 18. Maria was (and still is) gorgeous. Spanish roots, long and thick brown hair, small hazel eyes, amazing luscious lips, great smile, tiny waist, curvy hips, 5'3, clear and soft skin. Maria was also a brain, currently in her last year of med school. We stayed together 4 years, during 1.5 years of those years I was finishing college, but still saw each other during summer and winter breaks during that period.

Our relationship can pretty much be summed up into 2 parts. The first 2 years, and the last 2. The first two years were magical. We were in love, we were thinking of building a future together, and everything was going great.

The sex with Maria was great in our first year. She was more open than Sarah in quite a few domains. She gave better blow jobs, and quite open. Sex got increasingly better at first, as we got to discover each other's bodies, and get familiar with what turned each other on and so forth. I got to experience my first doggystyle experience with her, which quickly became one of our standard positions. I also got to perfect my oral skills with her as giving head was the only way I could get her to cum. Contrary to Sarah, Maria couldn't come during penetration, except when touching herself in the process. We did discover one way to get her to come: through anal sex. We tried it for the first time one year into our relationship, and to her surprise she loved it. It allowed her better access to her clit which she would rub while I fucked her from behind (carefully as not to hurt her, and increasingly faster as she neared climax).

What became daily sex turned to every other day sex after a few months, then twice a week sex after 6 months, then weekly sex after a year , every other week sex after two years, once a month sex in our last year, and barely no sex at all in the last few months together. I don't feel like going into the details, except to say that I was very frustrated about this degradation, and tried very hard to fix things, going out of my way to be understanding, to try different approachers, communicating, and seeking professional help. It didn't work, and it affected our lives. Eventually, as I felt she gave up on our relationship, I waited for things to die off and they did. We mutually agreed to split after 4 years together, and after some tense moments in the months that followed, we're now good friends.

I don't regret my relationship with Maria at all. I've never felt as loved as I was with Maria in the first two years together, and I've never been as close to someone in my life. Those who read my previous blog probably remember my frustrations, and there many. I believe this relationship taught me a lot, and I can take a lot of things from it for the next time I meet someone with whom I'll have a serious and loving relationship.

As I said, we're good friends now, but every time I see her I remember why we split. Something just wasn't there anymore, and I'm glad we moved on but remained friends.

I haven't a real girlfriend since Maria. I started to with #8, Clara, but it was only a beginning. Still, the breakup with #8 was much harder than any other breakup I've experienced, however brief our stay together was.

possible #9 ?

I still have to write about #4 to #8, but today's events are causing me to get back to the present and type it out. So without going into detail, here are a couple facts: I'm single, and no one is on my radar. I'd love for someone to be on my mind right now (aside from my ex: my 8th sex partner, aka #8, aka Clara). In fact, I would love to fall in love right now and start something fresh, new, romantic, hot and happy. But my current situation just won't allow it, or at least I'm not feeling it happening currently or in the very near future. So instead I'm searching for something easier to target, a fuck buddy or a fling. Realizing that it's been 3 months since I've had sex and that I really miss it, I spontaneously decided to IM a girl I know who isn't very attractive, not my type at all, but with whom I had very hot cybersex one drunken night. I hadn't had cybersex since my teen years, as it's mostly a frustrating and sad act imo, but this one night I was just that, extremely frustrated and sad about my situation with Clara, and decided to let go of my desires with this scandinavian girl which we will call Petra. Petra had mentioned previously that she was having a hard time finding a fuck buddy in The City. I would've jumped on the occasion (even though I'm not very attracted to her) had I not been involved with Clara, but as it happened I was madly in love with her, and couldn't bring myself to cheat on her, even though #8 and I weren't a true item. In fact, Clara would even encourage me to go see other girls. More about that and about the girl who broke my heart in future posts.

Anyway, back to Petra. As I was drunk, hard, stroking my shaft with one hand and typing dirty thoughts with the other, Petra began to really reveal herself as a very hot, horny and naughty girl. I let go my dirtiest side to her, mainly because I wasn't fearing her reaction. I didn't care if she was thinking that I was going too far, I simply wanted to let go of that terrible sexual tension which #8 was causing me, and I let it all go on Petra through the amazing vessel that is the internet, and msn messenger. In our cyber adventure, I pumped Petra against the wall, against every furniture piece in the room, in the butt and finally came all over her large breasts (her best asset). Petra would later write that she might just have to call a cab for me to come over and put the practice what we had just done in the virtual world. After our session she said: "too bad you're taken". I didn't insist, as I didn't want to break the the exclusivity of my heart and cock for Clara.

Fast forward to today, 3 months later, and after weeks of crying over #8, Petra suddenly pops up on MSN. I IMed her and in 5 minutes I managed to pull off a possible sex date. She said that sounded nice, but that she had to clear her mind a little (she has just gone through her own breakup). #9 would qualify as definite rebound sex, and possible fuck buddy sex. Either way it should be very naughty sex, as Petra clearly is a very naughty girl.

In the meantime, I don't want to get my hopes too high as she hasn't responded completely positively. But there certainly is hope!

Still tonight I am left pretty sad as I've been hoping to see an out town girl this week to show her around the city and my apartment as she might be subletting it next month. But something tells me she got freaked out at my last e-mail. I was being especially attentive and polite, and I fear I must have seemed desperate to meet her (I don't know her but she seems quite hot on her profile photo). I'm kicking myself for being way too attentive in my message, basically telling her I could meet her where convenient, that i could show her around the city and help with practical stuff, etc, etc. I kept a very casual tone and the message was very proper, but now I can totally see how she must be thinking "whoa, ok waaaaaay too much reaching out for a guy I don't even know". Maybe I'm overreacting but I fear I've entered the Follow me I'll avoid you, - Avoid me and I will avoid you territory. In this case being the follower. Damn it! I hate this fucking reality that when you try to be nice and attentive you end up being ignored and when you act like a fucking ass hole you're being chased. It's so fucking true too. Most times I am the one being avoided, because I'm basically a nice guy and not a prick, but I have experienced being the one chased. It was with #5, a 40 year old co-worker. I'll write about that soon.

Anyway, bed time for me. Pray for me that I will get lucky this week.