#8 Clara (part 1)

Hmm, should I now write about Clara or not? I think of her less and less each day, but I still think of her too much. Losing her is starting to hurt less, but it still stings when I think of those times when she did or said something really nice to me, and how it all completely went away. I also cannot quite get over the mean things she said to me after we broke up and how she cut me from her life completely.

#8 Clara

Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.

It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.

Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....

It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.

Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.

My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.

Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.