It would take me ages to write about what's going on in my life lately, so I'll simply make a recap on the situation with the girls. No sex still, but quite a lot of has happened, and not happened:
Bella:
It's dead. Seeing her again was disappointing. I still feel something for her, but something has changed in her perception of me. I don't know what it is. I think it might be the fact that I am moving, that she is going to the US for 6 months in March, or that she just isn't interested in me and that I misread the signals. I'm quite disappointed, at the same time it's better this way... I can't start something with a girl who won't be in the same place as me in the next year, and who might never be in the same place as me. Her future is clearly in this city (which I inadvertedly revealed in the last post but since edited) and mine isn't for now... even though I might return here in a few years. I'm bummed, but I accept it...
Clara #8:
Ran into her yesterday. It was completely unexpected. I was eating a sandwich and reading the paper in a sandwich joint, and I heard "B...?" I looked up and there she was with her glasses and work attire, and a co-worker (who was a shy looking harmless guy). It was strange but quite casual too. We said hi, kissed each other on the cheek, she asked me several questions, I answered, we did small talk mostly, and that lasted about 2-3 minutes and then we went on eating our sandwiches at respective tables which were close to each other. I continued reading my paper (pretending) and listened to her conversation with her colleague. The conversation was boring, completely ordinary, and somehow demystified her. She suddenly became very ordinary... she's now a typical boring office employee who has boring conversations about work and weekend plans with co-workers. After a few minutes I got my jacket, got up, kissed her goodbye on the cheeks, said it was nice seeing her again, she told me good luck with London, and that was that. While she seemed very ordinary, I would by lying if I said that I didn't feel some sort of pinch in the heart. She did still look cute, her laugh did still stir something in me, and at point I looked at her lips, which I always really liked, and pictured us having sex together. It's not love, it's temptation. She's a temptress, and I miss it, even if I'm so much better off without her.
I'm glad I got to see her in that way... I pictured running into her some day and having her ignore me completely or for the situation to be tense and awkward, but the casual nature of the encounter was pretty satisfying and I think I came across as very calm, unaffected by her presence, and even less embarrassed than her. I did think about her during the day a lot, and it revived a few emotions... but I'm good, I have moved on, and after 5 months I'm glad that I can run into her and not have it be an issue. She didn't mention the "First Class Bitch" bday card I sent her :)
Nina:
We still talk a whole lot to each other, even more than before. She is so great. We've really become good friends. I had lunch with her on Monday, and I keep her up to date with everything that's happening in my "love" life... and she's still great help and the person I seek advice from.
Sonja #6:
Texted me out of the blue yesterday apologizing for not writing earlier, and mentioned she'd like to see me again. She is married, she has a kid, so nothing planned there! But we did have sex back in the day, and I'm curious to see where her life is at these days...
Natasa:
A new name! A new story... and it's a very nice one. I met her 3 days before returning back home from London. It was very romantic. I met her sight seeing in the street, near Trafalgar Square... we spent the whole day together, walked miles and miles, took pictures, had coffee, went window shopping, talked a whole lot, and established chemistry right away. I dropped her off at Oxford Circus' tube station, with a promise that we would hook up again before leaving. She is Croatian and lives there, but was in London for a business trip. She is 26, slim, brown eyes and hair, olive toned skin, a beautiful smile, and a whole lot of charm. She is sooooo sweet and soooo nice and extremely sensitive. We're quite similar for a lot of things. She has a bit of an easter/slavic european innocence that's very endearing. We did meet again on our last day before taking our respective flights back home, and this time we kissed, and it was very romantic. We've been in constant touch since, and basically we're doing the long distance thing. I'm her boy, she's my girl, and we text each other all day long and goodnight every evening. We talk on the phone every other day, and longer on weekends. We are trying to find a way to spend a few days together before the end of the year. She works in a pharmaceutical firm in Zagreb and kills herself at work. From what I understand, she's the main provider in her family. She lives with her parents and brother, and I sense that she a lot on her shoulders to carry. She is the sweetest and nicest girl, and it scares me a little because should our relationship not work out, it will be devastating for her. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm afraid I will. I'm close to loving her, but I'm not used to being the Alpha male in a couple... until now I've only been with very proud and dominant women, not to say strong because underneath her fragility, Natasa is the strongest woman I've probably ever met. She grew up during war, she's probably seen things that no one should ever see or witness... but she goes on living and working her butt of and dreams of true love and happiness and she is full of life. I admire her so much already, and I want to make her happy. I think I can love her, I think something strong can happen here, but I don't know if I'm ready quite yet. I'll write more about all of this in the near future....
There is more to all of this, and there are more girls... Autumn has always been a good period for me. I bloom in Autumn... perhaps it's because of my scandinavian roots, or because I was born in the Fall... but something about the fresh air, the colors in the sky, the warm sweaters, etc... makes me feel at ease, at home. While many regret the end of summer and the arrival of the cold, I bloom.
I am a happy man right now, probably as happy as I've ever been... still there's a sadness there, or rather a sense of melancholy that remains, but it's part of who I am, and I believe it's a part of what makes me care a sensitive person, and a creative person. I still have a lot unanswered questions concerning my life, but right now I'm preparing to be 30, I'm preparing for 2008, I'm preparing for London, and I'm preparing for a new life, with a clean sheet.... and I really like that feeling.
Showing posts with label #8 Clara. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #8 Clara. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Girls Girls Girls
Still going good, and still very busy! Cut down a tad on the partying because I a bit overdid it last week but I still go out every day and spend hours walking. I've been more productive getting my portfolio going, and the notion that I will get a job that fits me well is seeming more like a definite possibility each day. It's very exciting, as I was feeling completely trapped in the smaller city. I'm still not set on moving to London for good, but I believe it could become a reality, and really be something good for me.
I've been reallllly horny the past few days. More about that lower.
Communication with Bella has been quite scarce. About an e-mail a week. She took 3 days to reply to my first e-mail, so I took 3 days to reply, and now we're on 3 days waiting for a reply. She's still in my heart, and sometimes at night I think of her and wish I could curl up against her and kiss her. I had a dream in which she made the first move and kissed me. I was quite sad when I woke up in the middle of the night, but got back to sleep eventually and had a very fine day after that.
Ashley sent me a semi-drunk facebook message last night in which she was saying how horny she was, and half apologizing for it, and being pretty funny. Haha. I think she digs me ;-) too bad she's in the US now, but Ashley is the type of girl that would be great to have as a gf, and the type of person I wouldn't want things to get weird with if we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together, Anyway she's in the US so it's not even an issue.
Still doing some great MSN sessions with Nina. She's a riot. We talk about sex pretty much everyday, and we've reached a point where we really have no barriers, we talk about everything and in great detail. It makes for pretty fascinating discoveries, and it's awesome to get a girl's perspective on the type of things they do to men to make them feel better about themselves in bed, or some of the things that girls really like and want, etc... Her BF finally made love to her the other night and it was very sweet apparently. She was very happy about that.
Shannon and I have been a bit in the cold. She's mad at me I think and bitches so much on MSN that it's becoming a real turn off. She wants me to devote most of my attention to her, but I'm not her fucking boyfriend!!! I talked to Nina about it and I suggested that the next time I go on one of our drunken night outs with Shannon that always ends up with me driving her home at 6am, I will put a move on her and absolutely go for it. It's a win-win situation. If she stops me than I can blame it on the alcohol and the fact that she's hot the next day, and if she accepts I can shag her rotten, and I really will not stop be shy about it... I'll be a total beast and it'll be hot and heavy! Probably do her doggystyle and grab her tits firmly while humping her. Might even jizz on her ass. At least that's my fantasy :) Frankly, not to be mean, but I don't give a shit if how she reacts after that. SHe's been breaking my balls lately and I've been her little man servant and I'm tired of it. Besides, I think she really needs a good fuck!!!
I absolutely have to fuck during this London trip. There are so many single girls around going for drinks in groups that the opportunities are there everywhere. Just got to find the right occasion, the right plan, etc... It'll happen, I just don't know when or how, but it will happen! My cock has been rock hard for hours at times, something that hasn't happened since my teenage years. I no longer have problems ejaculating, my system has adjusted to the meds for good. I can now fuck freely without the concern of not being able to cum. It's not so much for me (though it does feel great) but I don't like for my partner to feel like I can't get the job done, or that she doesn't feel like she can get the job done. Sarah and Maria worried about that when I was on meds before.
Back to online poker. I'm on a winning streak :) Things are definitely good these days.
xx
ps: By now Clara must've gotten the "First Class Bitch" birthday card :-) Can't tell you how satisfying it feels. I don't expect a reaction from her part, and I'm happy not to get any. For me it's the final chapter of a very painful experience, and I'm glad to about the way I could get closure on it.
I've been reallllly horny the past few days. More about that lower.
Communication with Bella has been quite scarce. About an e-mail a week. She took 3 days to reply to my first e-mail, so I took 3 days to reply, and now we're on 3 days waiting for a reply. She's still in my heart, and sometimes at night I think of her and wish I could curl up against her and kiss her. I had a dream in which she made the first move and kissed me. I was quite sad when I woke up in the middle of the night, but got back to sleep eventually and had a very fine day after that.
Ashley sent me a semi-drunk facebook message last night in which she was saying how horny she was, and half apologizing for it, and being pretty funny. Haha. I think she digs me ;-) too bad she's in the US now, but Ashley is the type of girl that would be great to have as a gf, and the type of person I wouldn't want things to get weird with if we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together, Anyway she's in the US so it's not even an issue.
Still doing some great MSN sessions with Nina. She's a riot. We talk about sex pretty much everyday, and we've reached a point where we really have no barriers, we talk about everything and in great detail. It makes for pretty fascinating discoveries, and it's awesome to get a girl's perspective on the type of things they do to men to make them feel better about themselves in bed, or some of the things that girls really like and want, etc... Her BF finally made love to her the other night and it was very sweet apparently. She was very happy about that.
Shannon and I have been a bit in the cold. She's mad at me I think and bitches so much on MSN that it's becoming a real turn off. She wants me to devote most of my attention to her, but I'm not her fucking boyfriend!!! I talked to Nina about it and I suggested that the next time I go on one of our drunken night outs with Shannon that always ends up with me driving her home at 6am, I will put a move on her and absolutely go for it. It's a win-win situation. If she stops me than I can blame it on the alcohol and the fact that she's hot the next day, and if she accepts I can shag her rotten, and I really will not stop be shy about it... I'll be a total beast and it'll be hot and heavy! Probably do her doggystyle and grab her tits firmly while humping her. Might even jizz on her ass. At least that's my fantasy :) Frankly, not to be mean, but I don't give a shit if how she reacts after that. SHe's been breaking my balls lately and I've been her little man servant and I'm tired of it. Besides, I think she really needs a good fuck!!!
I absolutely have to fuck during this London trip. There are so many single girls around going for drinks in groups that the opportunities are there everywhere. Just got to find the right occasion, the right plan, etc... It'll happen, I just don't know when or how, but it will happen! My cock has been rock hard for hours at times, something that hasn't happened since my teenage years. I no longer have problems ejaculating, my system has adjusted to the meds for good. I can now fuck freely without the concern of not being able to cum. It's not so much for me (though it does feel great) but I don't like for my partner to feel like I can't get the job done, or that she doesn't feel like she can get the job done. Sarah and Maria worried about that when I was on meds before.
Back to online poker. I'm on a winning streak :) Things are definitely good these days.
xx
ps: By now Clara must've gotten the "First Class Bitch" birthday card :-) Can't tell you how satisfying it feels. I don't expect a reaction from her part, and I'm happy not to get any. For me it's the final chapter of a very painful experience, and I'm glad to about the way I could get closure on it.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Week 1 Recap
I arrived exactly a week ago in London. So far, it's been great. Expensive, but great. Living with David is pretty neat. He's very organized and tidy, which keeps me on my toes and allows me not to turn into a slob. We're in an area of the city that's ideally located, and the street my bro lives in is extremely charming and quiet.
Socially, it's been a blast. Two of my best friends moved to London a couple years ago: Paulo and George. Paulo is Brazilian but looks Indian. He's a super nice guy, and he loves to hit on women, but when he drinks too much he becomes overly affectionate and very touchy. It's very funny to watch how girls seem interested in him at first until he gets into grabbing mode. George is a true player. He has a girlfriend, but he's cheating on her big time. It's quite horrible, but as a friend George is amazing, and he was the one to contact my brother David and Paulo to try to convince me to come to London when I was in my dark phase.
Professionally, week one has been slow, but it's a conscious decision. I didn't want to get overly stressed out with the notion that I HAVE to find something right away. Being in London is already giving me more ideas about what I want to do, and it's allowed me to realize that there is a life outside my hometown, which is another European country that I won't divulge quite yet (but you can always e-mail me if you want to know). I did however set up a casual meet with a Creative Director on Wednesday who went to my College. Rather than ask him to give me a job, I'll try to pick his brain a little on how he got where he is, since we do have a pretty similar background as I found out looking at his Bio.
You know a blog entry wouldn't be a blog entry if I didn't mention girls or love, right? Well the one real positive thing here is that I have not been obsessing over it at all, simply because I'm enjoying being here, and I'm feeling motivated, busy, and the comes naturally. I did get an e-mail from Bella a couple days ago which disappointed me a little. I sent her a long (probably too long) e-mail a couple days before giving her an update on how things were going in London, and I also slipped in there how cool it has been to get to know her, that I feel we're on the same wave length, bla bla bla. It was unnecessary and it wasn't the right time to do it. She did not directly address it, so I believe she chose to ignore getting into that kind of talk, and instead gave me updates on what she was up to, and commented on a few things I told her about London. It was a nice e-mail, but it's the kind of message you get from a friend, not a potential partner... But! I think my reaction since has been very good. I didn't get down about it, instead I got realistic and acknowledged that forcing a connection is not going to bring me anywhere. I really feel something special for Bella, but for the time being we're friends and she has a boyfriend, and there's no reason for me force anything onto her. By now she must know how I feel about her, so if she feels the same (which I still think she does) she will send me the signals. Until then, I can only be patient and go about living, taking care of my life, my professional ambitions, and staying social.
In my next entry I will write about a Casino Charity Poker event I attended Thursday. It was pretty wild but fun. An interesting read hopefully.
Oh, one note of interest. Today is Clara (#8)'s birthday. She's turning 29. I hesitated about acknowledging it or not, and recently I thought "Fuck it" because she has been such a mean person, and even her "nice" messages or communications have been tainted with not so subtle mean remarks, like her last e-mail in which she said "you were right, I am striving for an ideal (which I found btw) and not I'm finally happy". Bitch. Well the other day as I was walking around Sloan Square, I found a birthday card which I had to get. It had a 60s style Blond girl on it with "First Class Bitch" printed on it in this very retro font. I bought it, and got some shiny small star stickers to go with it. I carefully placed 29 (her age) stickers inside the card, with no other word or message. I'm sending it today so she will receive it late, but that doesn't matter. She'll see that it comes from London so she'll know it's from me. It might seem like an immature thing to do but it's SO perfect for her. If she ignores it, than that's great, if she comes back to me angry I'll tell her "don't take things so personally (which she would always tell me after saying something mean to me!!!) and if she continues to bitch I can say "Wow, you must really have self esteem issues to get so worked up about a birthday card. I thought you'd have a laugh with it". That card is soooo her. Contradictive. Bitchy, but sparkly and iconic with the stars. To me, it's a perfect book end to our fucked up relationship.
Socially, it's been a blast. Two of my best friends moved to London a couple years ago: Paulo and George. Paulo is Brazilian but looks Indian. He's a super nice guy, and he loves to hit on women, but when he drinks too much he becomes overly affectionate and very touchy. It's very funny to watch how girls seem interested in him at first until he gets into grabbing mode. George is a true player. He has a girlfriend, but he's cheating on her big time. It's quite horrible, but as a friend George is amazing, and he was the one to contact my brother David and Paulo to try to convince me to come to London when I was in my dark phase.
Professionally, week one has been slow, but it's a conscious decision. I didn't want to get overly stressed out with the notion that I HAVE to find something right away. Being in London is already giving me more ideas about what I want to do, and it's allowed me to realize that there is a life outside my hometown, which is another European country that I won't divulge quite yet (but you can always e-mail me if you want to know). I did however set up a casual meet with a Creative Director on Wednesday who went to my College. Rather than ask him to give me a job, I'll try to pick his brain a little on how he got where he is, since we do have a pretty similar background as I found out looking at his Bio.
You know a blog entry wouldn't be a blog entry if I didn't mention girls or love, right? Well the one real positive thing here is that I have not been obsessing over it at all, simply because I'm enjoying being here, and I'm feeling motivated, busy, and the comes naturally. I did get an e-mail from Bella a couple days ago which disappointed me a little. I sent her a long (probably too long) e-mail a couple days before giving her an update on how things were going in London, and I also slipped in there how cool it has been to get to know her, that I feel we're on the same wave length, bla bla bla. It was unnecessary and it wasn't the right time to do it. She did not directly address it, so I believe she chose to ignore getting into that kind of talk, and instead gave me updates on what she was up to, and commented on a few things I told her about London. It was a nice e-mail, but it's the kind of message you get from a friend, not a potential partner... But! I think my reaction since has been very good. I didn't get down about it, instead I got realistic and acknowledged that forcing a connection is not going to bring me anywhere. I really feel something special for Bella, but for the time being we're friends and she has a boyfriend, and there's no reason for me force anything onto her. By now she must know how I feel about her, so if she feels the same (which I still think she does) she will send me the signals. Until then, I can only be patient and go about living, taking care of my life, my professional ambitions, and staying social.
In my next entry I will write about a Casino Charity Poker event I attended Thursday. It was pretty wild but fun. An interesting read hopefully.
Oh, one note of interest. Today is Clara (#8)'s birthday. She's turning 29. I hesitated about acknowledging it or not, and recently I thought "Fuck it" because she has been such a mean person, and even her "nice" messages or communications have been tainted with not so subtle mean remarks, like her last e-mail in which she said "you were right, I am striving for an ideal (which I found btw) and not I'm finally happy". Bitch. Well the other day as I was walking around Sloan Square, I found a birthday card which I had to get. It had a 60s style Blond girl on it with "First Class Bitch" printed on it in this very retro font. I bought it, and got some shiny small star stickers to go with it. I carefully placed 29 (her age) stickers inside the card, with no other word or message. I'm sending it today so she will receive it late, but that doesn't matter. She'll see that it comes from London so she'll know it's from me. It might seem like an immature thing to do but it's SO perfect for her. If she ignores it, than that's great, if she comes back to me angry I'll tell her "don't take things so personally (which she would always tell me after saying something mean to me!!!) and if she continues to bitch I can say "Wow, you must really have self esteem issues to get so worked up about a birthday card. I thought you'd have a laugh with it". That card is soooo her. Contradictive. Bitchy, but sparkly and iconic with the stars. To me, it's a perfect book end to our fucked up relationship.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Tags and Stuff
I've added tags to the site, which should help you browse through the content if you're a new reader. You can also check out the Cast list for short notes on the crazy characters of this blog.
I'm totally messed up this morning. I'm addicted to sleeping pills, and can't sleep without them, but the problem is that I wake up after 3-4 hours, when the effect wears off. My sleep is a total mess as a result, and this morning I'm really feeling the ill effects of all of this.
I'm very excited about my date with WD (Woman of my Dreams) on Thursday. I hope I won't be a nervous wreck. I tend to sweat a lot -mainly from the forehead, when I'm nervous. She's such a cutie, I wonder how our conversation will go. It has to go well, I don't see it happening any other way. WD is really helping me forget about #8 Clara. I feel a sense of disgust and wish for revenge when I think of Clara. What an evil mind. I'd really like to think that this period of my life was just meant to be, to allow me to learn what I really want out of life, and to give me a clean slate, a new begining, as cheesy as that sounds.
I can cum daily again when masturbating, phew. The reassuring thing is that I can stay hard a long time, which wasn't the case everytime my doctor increased the dosage of my medication. No increases in sight, so all should be ok sexually.
I'm going to the Big City in 10 days. Time flies. I don't feel quite ready, but I have time to get ready. Just need to really get cracking on preparations and practical stuff.
First of 3 consecutive dates tonight! (Julia tonight, Ashley tomorrow, WD Thursday). This is just a friendly date, so no expectations, but should be a nice evening. Full recap tomorrow of course.
I'm totally messed up this morning. I'm addicted to sleeping pills, and can't sleep without them, but the problem is that I wake up after 3-4 hours, when the effect wears off. My sleep is a total mess as a result, and this morning I'm really feeling the ill effects of all of this.
I'm very excited about my date with WD (Woman of my Dreams) on Thursday. I hope I won't be a nervous wreck. I tend to sweat a lot -mainly from the forehead, when I'm nervous. She's such a cutie, I wonder how our conversation will go. It has to go well, I don't see it happening any other way. WD is really helping me forget about #8 Clara. I feel a sense of disgust and wish for revenge when I think of Clara. What an evil mind. I'd really like to think that this period of my life was just meant to be, to allow me to learn what I really want out of life, and to give me a clean slate, a new begining, as cheesy as that sounds.
I can cum daily again when masturbating, phew. The reassuring thing is that I can stay hard a long time, which wasn't the case everytime my doctor increased the dosage of my medication. No increases in sight, so all should be ok sexually.
I'm going to the Big City in 10 days. Time flies. I don't feel quite ready, but I have time to get ready. Just need to really get cracking on preparations and practical stuff.
First of 3 consecutive dates tonight! (Julia tonight, Ashley tomorrow, WD Thursday). This is just a friendly date, so no expectations, but should be a nice evening. Full recap tomorrow of course.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
The Next Girl
It's very intriguing not knowing who will be the next girl that I will smooch, shag, fall in love with or who will break my heart. I've had my heart broken by two girls, Sarah and Clara. But really, the common thing in both those heartbreaks is that I was dumped, when seemingly right before things were going very well. Very deceiving. Give and get fucked. Next time around, I will not be an asshole, but I will definitely protect myself more, and think of myself before thinking for the other person, which I admit I've done too much of in the past.
I'm in the middle stage of getting better. I said a while ago that I was 70% recovered from my depression. I believe it's really more like 50%. Tomorrow I'm seeing my shrink, a very attractive columbian woman. She's probably 40-45, and she's damn sexy. I always make sure I look good when I go to my appointments with her. I've noticed the last two times that she had just sprayed perfume on her. If tomorrow she does it again, I'm going for it :) Of course I won't, but I've been fantasizing taking her on her desk since I first saw her. I don't know how turned on she could be by a guy who cries and complains about his life in front of her, but maybe it's her thing. Just a stupid fantasy, but it's nice to have an attractive girl listen to you and say the right things. It hasn't happened in a while. Nina is good at that, but Nina is taken and is a friend, besides, most of our conversations are online anyway, and right now what I really miss is human contact not involving a screen and a keyboard.
I've been drinking too much lately, or rather too often. I'm slowly becoming an addict. I take 3 kinds of medication + sleeping pills + i drink. I've stopped pot, but if I had some right now I would roll a big one and listen to massive attack's Mezzanine.
I'm still in my Squirt stage. I'm quite fascinated by female ejaculation. I read that 1 in 15 girl have this ability. No idea if that's true, but I must say the sight of girls getting off, cumming, squirting, and screaming in pleasure is quite a turn on. Any squirter readers out there?
Ok, back to wine and music in my living room. I'm working on a project, but it's top secret. So shhhhh.
I'm in the middle stage of getting better. I said a while ago that I was 70% recovered from my depression. I believe it's really more like 50%. Tomorrow I'm seeing my shrink, a very attractive columbian woman. She's probably 40-45, and she's damn sexy. I always make sure I look good when I go to my appointments with her. I've noticed the last two times that she had just sprayed perfume on her. If tomorrow she does it again, I'm going for it :) Of course I won't, but I've been fantasizing taking her on her desk since I first saw her. I don't know how turned on she could be by a guy who cries and complains about his life in front of her, but maybe it's her thing. Just a stupid fantasy, but it's nice to have an attractive girl listen to you and say the right things. It hasn't happened in a while. Nina is good at that, but Nina is taken and is a friend, besides, most of our conversations are online anyway, and right now what I really miss is human contact not involving a screen and a keyboard.
I've been drinking too much lately, or rather too often. I'm slowly becoming an addict. I take 3 kinds of medication + sleeping pills + i drink. I've stopped pot, but if I had some right now I would roll a big one and listen to massive attack's Mezzanine.
I'm still in my Squirt stage. I'm quite fascinated by female ejaculation. I read that 1 in 15 girl have this ability. No idea if that's true, but I must say the sight of girls getting off, cumming, squirting, and screaming in pleasure is quite a turn on. Any squirter readers out there?
Ok, back to wine and music in my living room. I'm working on a project, but it's top secret. So shhhhh.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Nina and #8 Clara (part 2)
If I had to marry somebody, it would be Nina.
Nina
Nina and I met at work in 2004. At first, I wasn't particularly drawn to her, but as she often passed in front of my desk to see our big boss, we'd often smile at each other, and finally one day I struck up a conversation with her. I remember it quite vividly, it was right at the beginning of 2005. We were talking about our mutual x-mas holiday breaks, and both of us had had major fights with our Exes of 4 years. Things just clicked between her and I, and through Instant messaging at work, we opened up a lot to each other, revealing many secrets and personal things. We began to take breaks together, and at one point I thought something was happening between the two of us, and I was hoping that we would date.
As she opened up to me, I began feeling more and more attracted to her. Blond hair, amazing green-blue eyes, a pretty face with very cute fossetts on her cheeks, a nice smile. She was and still is a bit overweight. She doesn't have what today's standards would call an amazing body, but I was very turned on by it nonetheless. Her breasts are huge! Almost too big. She has very pretty legs. But most of all, she has that special spark.
Finally, the subject of sex came one day on IM, and we now talk about it all the time. But both know that we love it, and we both are very open sexually and in our discussions. I'd love to have sex with her, but I also could easily fall in love with her. She has everything that I like in a person: She is very caring, loving, has a great sense of humor, she listens, she more than anyone understands what I am going through (even though she doesn't suffer from depression, she has had her own psychological troubles). She is a very family orientated person, she has good values but she also knows how to party and have fun. She has a very high emotional IQ. She has blond moments but doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes her soooo charming. She keeps telling me how she can be a total bitch to her bf and sulk for hours but I'm sure that she's a sweetheart with him.
I respected Nina tremendously and owe her a lot for being the person who has helped me the most when I was down. She gives me a lot of hope that maybe some day I will meet someone that I will fall in love with, and that will be good for me (unlike Clara). I could fall in love with Nina, and I did have a crush on her for a long time, but for now I just feel lucky knowing her and am thrilled to be friends with her.
She seems pretty serious with her couple, but like in every couple, some issues do exist. The biggest issue in hers is related to sex. They're not at all on the same wave length in the department, as he much more reclusive and doesn't get turned on easily. It's sad, and I know she suffers from it a lot. In some ways, I would cherish the opportunity to go out with her if things didn't work out with her bf, but I don't even know if she would be willing to start something with me, if she is attracted to me. We're closer now than we were when we were both single, so maybe this time things would be different, but I doubt it will happen and it's nothing something I'm waiting to happen. That being said, I bet that sex would get along great in bed.
She's very open sexually. She told me that she likes giving head, anal sex, having her man cum on her tits, etc. She has toys, and she likes to try new things. She said something that really caught my attention and that I agreed with. She said that 80% of the time she likes sex to be a very loving act, tender but hot. But 20% of the time she likes things to be very wild. Something with Clara that scared me a lot was her relationship with sex, but also what turned me about her. Clara watched a lot of porn, all kinds of porn. She wanted to try a 3some with a girl, she liked to use toys, but what scared me a lot is that she liked to be dominated during sex. She wanted me to smack her butt really hard, and pull her hair. I know that in her childhood her mother was a bit abusive, and I'm sure it has an impact on sex life today, but it's something I was never completely comfortable with. While I enjoy some of the domination/submissive games, I'm not one for extremes, and I think Clara wanted a man that could dominate her more convincingly than I could. She told me that I wasn't pervert enough during sex, which really surprised me. The fact that I wasn't a good enough lover for completely shattered my self esteem in bed. To me, she tried to much to have sex like a pornstar, which can be fun at times but which isn't real sex. Some of the things she did were replicas of Jenna Jameson's tricks, who happened to be Clara's favorite Porn actress.
Yet I loved having sex with her, I was extremely turned on by devil /angel duality in sex, but affected by it as well. After sex Clara was often very cute and cuddly and seemed extremely happy. Yet from what I got after she left me, and even during some IM conversations we had while we were seeing each other, is that she wasn't completely happy with my performances. What a bitch. I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I fell for her. I hate that I fell for her. She's the only person that I really wished I had never met, because I hate how I reacted around her, and after the breakup. I felt and still feel like a failure, yet I know deep in my mind that she is the stupid one, she is the fucked up one, she is the sad person. Love is blind, can drive you crazy, can fuck with your mind. It certainly did with Clara.
But maybe everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nina was the only person who was able to make me feel better about Clara. I can't really say how she did it, but she said the exact things that I needed to hear. I'm having trouble explaining how she did it, but she simply did. And even if I still haven't recovered from the Clara fuck up, Nina enabled me to get back to reality and remind me that: A girl like Nina is what I need. A girl that releases my good sides. I love how I am around Nina, I am completely myself and feel no anxiety or second guess what I say. With Clara, I kept second guessing every single thing that came out of my mouth, and a lot of the things that I would say, I would end up regretting, or would come out differently than I wanted them to come.
Ok, Fuck you Clara. I'm done with you in this blog. In a fucked up way I still hope we can be friends, but in reality I just really want to succeed and be happy in life and come back in a few years and show you how I was so much better off without you, and without that fucking job that I hated, and that you gave me so much shit for quitting. Fucking bitch. I want revenge and I hope that you'll pay for your the way you treated me.
That felt better. Now let's move on. I don't want to think about her anymore. Let's move forward!
Nina
Nina and I met at work in 2004. At first, I wasn't particularly drawn to her, but as she often passed in front of my desk to see our big boss, we'd often smile at each other, and finally one day I struck up a conversation with her. I remember it quite vividly, it was right at the beginning of 2005. We were talking about our mutual x-mas holiday breaks, and both of us had had major fights with our Exes of 4 years. Things just clicked between her and I, and through Instant messaging at work, we opened up a lot to each other, revealing many secrets and personal things. We began to take breaks together, and at one point I thought something was happening between the two of us, and I was hoping that we would date.
As she opened up to me, I began feeling more and more attracted to her. Blond hair, amazing green-blue eyes, a pretty face with very cute fossetts on her cheeks, a nice smile. She was and still is a bit overweight. She doesn't have what today's standards would call an amazing body, but I was very turned on by it nonetheless. Her breasts are huge! Almost too big. She has very pretty legs. But most of all, she has that special spark.
Finally, the subject of sex came one day on IM, and we now talk about it all the time. But both know that we love it, and we both are very open sexually and in our discussions. I'd love to have sex with her, but I also could easily fall in love with her. She has everything that I like in a person: She is very caring, loving, has a great sense of humor, she listens, she more than anyone understands what I am going through (even though she doesn't suffer from depression, she has had her own psychological troubles). She is a very family orientated person, she has good values but she also knows how to party and have fun. She has a very high emotional IQ. She has blond moments but doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes her soooo charming. She keeps telling me how she can be a total bitch to her bf and sulk for hours but I'm sure that she's a sweetheart with him.
I respected Nina tremendously and owe her a lot for being the person who has helped me the most when I was down. She gives me a lot of hope that maybe some day I will meet someone that I will fall in love with, and that will be good for me (unlike Clara). I could fall in love with Nina, and I did have a crush on her for a long time, but for now I just feel lucky knowing her and am thrilled to be friends with her.
She seems pretty serious with her couple, but like in every couple, some issues do exist. The biggest issue in hers is related to sex. They're not at all on the same wave length in the department, as he much more reclusive and doesn't get turned on easily. It's sad, and I know she suffers from it a lot. In some ways, I would cherish the opportunity to go out with her if things didn't work out with her bf, but I don't even know if she would be willing to start something with me, if she is attracted to me. We're closer now than we were when we were both single, so maybe this time things would be different, but I doubt it will happen and it's nothing something I'm waiting to happen. That being said, I bet that sex would get along great in bed.
She's very open sexually. She told me that she likes giving head, anal sex, having her man cum on her tits, etc. She has toys, and she likes to try new things. She said something that really caught my attention and that I agreed with. She said that 80% of the time she likes sex to be a very loving act, tender but hot. But 20% of the time she likes things to be very wild. Something with Clara that scared me a lot was her relationship with sex, but also what turned me about her. Clara watched a lot of porn, all kinds of porn. She wanted to try a 3some with a girl, she liked to use toys, but what scared me a lot is that she liked to be dominated during sex. She wanted me to smack her butt really hard, and pull her hair. I know that in her childhood her mother was a bit abusive, and I'm sure it has an impact on sex life today, but it's something I was never completely comfortable with. While I enjoy some of the domination/submissive games, I'm not one for extremes, and I think Clara wanted a man that could dominate her more convincingly than I could. She told me that I wasn't pervert enough during sex, which really surprised me. The fact that I wasn't a good enough lover for completely shattered my self esteem in bed. To me, she tried to much to have sex like a pornstar, which can be fun at times but which isn't real sex. Some of the things she did were replicas of Jenna Jameson's tricks, who happened to be Clara's favorite Porn actress.
Yet I loved having sex with her, I was extremely turned on by devil /angel duality in sex, but affected by it as well. After sex Clara was often very cute and cuddly and seemed extremely happy. Yet from what I got after she left me, and even during some IM conversations we had while we were seeing each other, is that she wasn't completely happy with my performances. What a bitch. I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I fell for her. I hate that I fell for her. She's the only person that I really wished I had never met, because I hate how I reacted around her, and after the breakup. I felt and still feel like a failure, yet I know deep in my mind that she is the stupid one, she is the fucked up one, she is the sad person. Love is blind, can drive you crazy, can fuck with your mind. It certainly did with Clara.
But maybe everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nina was the only person who was able to make me feel better about Clara. I can't really say how she did it, but she said the exact things that I needed to hear. I'm having trouble explaining how she did it, but she simply did. And even if I still haven't recovered from the Clara fuck up, Nina enabled me to get back to reality and remind me that: A girl like Nina is what I need. A girl that releases my good sides. I love how I am around Nina, I am completely myself and feel no anxiety or second guess what I say. With Clara, I kept second guessing every single thing that came out of my mouth, and a lot of the things that I would say, I would end up regretting, or would come out differently than I wanted them to come.
Ok, Fuck you Clara. I'm done with you in this blog. In a fucked up way I still hope we can be friends, but in reality I just really want to succeed and be happy in life and come back in a few years and show you how I was so much better off without you, and without that fucking job that I hated, and that you gave me so much shit for quitting. Fucking bitch. I want revenge and I hope that you'll pay for your the way you treated me.
That felt better. Now let's move on. I don't want to think about her anymore. Let's move forward!
#8 Clara (part 1)
Hmm, should I now write about Clara or not? I think of her less and less each day, but I still think of her too much. Losing her is starting to hurt less, but it still stings when I think of those times when she did or said something really nice to me, and how it all completely went away. I also cannot quite get over the mean things she said to me after we broke up and how she cut me from her life completely.
#8 Clara
Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.
It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.
Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....
It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.
Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.
My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.
Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.
#8 Clara
Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.
It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.
Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....
It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.
Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.
My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.
Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Dreading
I dread writing the entry about #8 , Clara, because:
a) it still hurts
b) what next?
What next? What next? What next?
1. Get better
2. Move
3. Find a job
4. Live
5. Fall in love
1. Requires a positive attitude, patience, faith in medication, help, determination, love.
2. I'm sick of The City. It's home and I will always have a deep connection to this place, but I need a change - badly. It's in the works, it's the one thing that gives me some sort of hope because I plan on moving to a bigger city with better opportunities. I have friends and family in The Big City, which is reassuring.
3. I could look for a job now but I'm not in a very good state. It's hard to explain depression to someone who's never lived it. There's a big difference between feeling depressed, and going through depression. Depression is a disease, and its cure isn't the same for every body. What works for some won't work for others. Right now I'm trying to find the right combination for myself, and I am getting better, but until I absolutely rid myself of depression will I be able to seriously start looking for a job and conceive a professional future for myself. I've relapsed four times in the past by speeding the process, and therefore never quite curing my state. I hope that by dealing with it now it will refrain me from snapping at 35 or 40, with possibly a wife and kids. At least right now I'm only harming myself.
4. "I'm not living, I'm killing time" to quote Thom Yorke. I live fragments of life, but every time I go out and try the live, I end up hurting even more the next morning. It's hard to explain. I'm slowly reacquainting myself with the things that once made me happy, such as writing, seeing friends, watching movies... but I'm still struggling to enjoy those things. I want to enjoy life, and I want to follow my bliss, but I'm just not sure where that bliss lies right now.
5. I can't skip 1,2,3 and 4 and go straight to 5, it would give me a false sense of security and satisfaction. I long for someone's touch, for someone's love, for someone's presence, but I have to be able to do things for myself before I start doing things for others. Once I'm able to feel good about my own life, will I be able to bring somebody else into it. That being said I could use some company right now. I really long a woman's touch, especially when she lies to me next in bed, and caresses my back spontaneously in a very tender and soft manner. I think I love nothing more in the world than that. Clara did it one night, and I mistakenly fell in love that very moment.
ps: chatted a bit with potential #9 today, but I just feel too weird about seeing her and I think she's having second thoughts as well. I think I can live without experiencing rebound sex, I doubt it will make me feel much better anyway.
a) it still hurts
b) what next?
What next? What next? What next?
1. Get better
2. Move
3. Find a job
4. Live
5. Fall in love
1. Requires a positive attitude, patience, faith in medication, help, determination, love.
2. I'm sick of The City. It's home and I will always have a deep connection to this place, but I need a change - badly. It's in the works, it's the one thing that gives me some sort of hope because I plan on moving to a bigger city with better opportunities. I have friends and family in The Big City, which is reassuring.
3. I could look for a job now but I'm not in a very good state. It's hard to explain depression to someone who's never lived it. There's a big difference between feeling depressed, and going through depression. Depression is a disease, and its cure isn't the same for every body. What works for some won't work for others. Right now I'm trying to find the right combination for myself, and I am getting better, but until I absolutely rid myself of depression will I be able to seriously start looking for a job and conceive a professional future for myself. I've relapsed four times in the past by speeding the process, and therefore never quite curing my state. I hope that by dealing with it now it will refrain me from snapping at 35 or 40, with possibly a wife and kids. At least right now I'm only harming myself.
4. "I'm not living, I'm killing time" to quote Thom Yorke. I live fragments of life, but every time I go out and try the live, I end up hurting even more the next morning. It's hard to explain. I'm slowly reacquainting myself with the things that once made me happy, such as writing, seeing friends, watching movies... but I'm still struggling to enjoy those things. I want to enjoy life, and I want to follow my bliss, but I'm just not sure where that bliss lies right now.
5. I can't skip 1,2,3 and 4 and go straight to 5, it would give me a false sense of security and satisfaction. I long for someone's touch, for someone's love, for someone's presence, but I have to be able to do things for myself before I start doing things for others. Once I'm able to feel good about my own life, will I be able to bring somebody else into it. That being said I could use some company right now. I really long a woman's touch, especially when she lies to me next in bed, and caresses my back spontaneously in a very tender and soft manner. I think I love nothing more in the world than that. Clara did it one night, and I mistakenly fell in love that very moment.
ps: chatted a bit with potential #9 today, but I just feel too weird about seeing her and I think she's having second thoughts as well. I think I can live without experiencing rebound sex, I doubt it will make me feel much better anyway.
#7 Tatiana
A pretty long break happened between #6 and #7. About 5 months. During that time I didn't pursue any sort of action. I was jobless and not in a very good state of mind. At the end of the year I would meet Tatiana, a cabaret beauty from Russia.
#7 Tatiana
Many of my friends have solved the lack of sex in their lives by opting to "pay" for sex. It's something that never really appealed to me. It just doesn't feel right to have intercourse with someone who doesn't have sex with you for what's in your pants (or heart) but for what's in your wallet instead.
So Tatiana is a lady of the night, or as she would probably call herself, a cabaret artist. One night, after a frustrating loss in an online p0ker tournament, my desperate friend Max insisted we get a drink at a pretty ritzy cabaret in town. I needed a drink, and figured watching topless girls (for the most part gorgeous and from eastern europe) perform their art would be fairly harmless and enjoyable. Fast forward a couple hours later and here I am, melting for Tatiana whose smile, siberian eyes and sense of humor completely captured me, to the point where I went over my evening budget to share a bottle of champagne with my friend and our two charming escorts.
Nothing happened that night aside from some drunken dancing on the cabaret dancefloor, and my first ever performance using a pole, which I have to say very much enjoyed and excelled at. Quite honestly, it was one of the funnest nights I've ever had. Max and I were the only customers, and Tatiana and Max's girl were a lot of fun, and genuinely seemed to enjoy our company, especially on the dance floor which was very much similar to the one in Saturday Night Fever. That evening cost me way too much, but the fun and I was priceless (ironically I paid with a mastercard).
I would see Tatiana again a few weeks later at the cabaret, and a couple more times outside of her "work" for dinner at my place and in a russian restaurant (absolutely foul I might add). I felt silly for falling in the category of guys who fall for strippers, but I truly enjoyed every second with her and I can't escape the fact that she is a very nice girl with a great sense of humor and amazing charm. I was extremely attracted to her, she made me laugh, and we got along great. We'd talk about everything and nothing, and at no point did I feel used by her, although of course the two evenings at the cabaret did hurt my bank account, and the dinner and drinks out weren't free, but she could see I wasn't a rich man, and she didn't ask for money or gifts at any point. I think she truly liked spending time with me, and appreciated that I didn't just want to fuck her.
One morning, my phone rang at 6am. It was Tatiana, and I could barely understand her words (her work involved massive amounts of champagne drinking each night, highly unhealthy). After a couple minutes I figured out that she wanted to see me. In 15 minutes, I was showered, dressed, and at her door. She had fallen asleep, quite drunk, and surprised to see me, but happy that I had showed up.
That morning would be the only time that we would have sex. It was quite good. For one, she gave amazing head (like a professional one might say). Upon pulling my boxers off she exclaimed with her broken english and sexy russian accent: "I finally get to see you... oh my you're big!" which is absolutely hilarious because I am not big at all, below average for sure. Her sense of humor was very sarcastic, so maybe she was being sarcastic at that point but regardless I didn't care, and thought it was kind of funny.
I was a bit nervous. It was early in the morning, and felt out of synch with her state for this was the end of the day for her and she was drunk, and the start of the day for me and I was sober. I lacked that euphoric feel that alcohol brings, which certainly would've helped feel more at ease. I don't think I performed too well. I was rusty, but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. At first she got on top of me, but something felt weird. She made strange hip movements which were probably aimed at increasing sensation, but which really felt odd and out of place. I asked if she could turn around, and she said "doggystyle? yes sure!" Doggystyle was fine, but she spread her legs so much that her low position made it difficult for me to fuck her correctly, and pulled my cock south (my cock points to the sky when erect, and it tends to hurt a bit when I have to penetrate at an angle below 90 degrees).
After not being able to cum doggystyle, I pulled out and took my condom off as my cock was becoming soft again. I was out of practice, the medication I was taking was affecting my ability to get hard (more about this problem in future posts) and the circumstances were just a little too weird for me. We cuddled instead, which was quite nice and tender. After about ten minutes of cuddling, Tatiana reached for my cock and began to stroke it. As it got rock hard again she got on top of me, and I got into a sitting position, with Tatiana's body wrapping mine. We fucked that way for a while, and finally I felt myself reaching the big 'O'. I came in her, completely indifferent to the fact that I wasn't using a condom, that Tatiana was a lady of the night, and the risks that involved (disease? baby? both??) I stayed at her place that night. She warned me of which was "her" side of the bed, and when I went to "my" side, lying on my back, she leaned close to me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her leg against my body. She said goodnight, and fell asleep. I remember feeling very happy. This was a very tender moment, one that I hadn't felt since Maria (#4).
I saw Tatiana again a couple weeks later. We had coffee, talked, then hugged and said goodbye to each other as she had to head back home for 3 months, until she was allowed to get a visa to work in the country I live in again. We stayed in touch through e-mail and text messages, and upon her return here she called me. She works in a different city, 5 hours from here. It's probably a good thing. I felt something special for her. Not love, but a crush nonethless, and not having her close probably saves me from returning to a cabaret and maxing out my credit card.
On the night Tatiana left, I met Clara (#8). In a way, I wish I hadn't met Clara, as I am still hurting today by the way our relationship ended, and the way it didn't continue. I won't be completely healed until I can prove to myself that I can still be appreciated as a person and as a lover by a woman I desire. I'm waiting for that day, yet I don't know if I'm ready for it.
I should mention that I only had sex with Clara using a condom, and that 3 months after my night with Tatiana, I got tested for STDs and HIV. The results were negative, and Tatiana is not pregnant. Phew!
#7 Tatiana
Many of my friends have solved the lack of sex in their lives by opting to "pay" for sex. It's something that never really appealed to me. It just doesn't feel right to have intercourse with someone who doesn't have sex with you for what's in your pants (or heart) but for what's in your wallet instead.
So Tatiana is a lady of the night, or as she would probably call herself, a cabaret artist. One night, after a frustrating loss in an online p0ker tournament, my desperate friend Max insisted we get a drink at a pretty ritzy cabaret in town. I needed a drink, and figured watching topless girls (for the most part gorgeous and from eastern europe) perform their art would be fairly harmless and enjoyable. Fast forward a couple hours later and here I am, melting for Tatiana whose smile, siberian eyes and sense of humor completely captured me, to the point where I went over my evening budget to share a bottle of champagne with my friend and our two charming escorts.
Nothing happened that night aside from some drunken dancing on the cabaret dancefloor, and my first ever performance using a pole, which I have to say very much enjoyed and excelled at. Quite honestly, it was one of the funnest nights I've ever had. Max and I were the only customers, and Tatiana and Max's girl were a lot of fun, and genuinely seemed to enjoy our company, especially on the dance floor which was very much similar to the one in Saturday Night Fever. That evening cost me way too much, but the fun and I was priceless (ironically I paid with a mastercard).
I would see Tatiana again a few weeks later at the cabaret, and a couple more times outside of her "work" for dinner at my place and in a russian restaurant (absolutely foul I might add). I felt silly for falling in the category of guys who fall for strippers, but I truly enjoyed every second with her and I can't escape the fact that she is a very nice girl with a great sense of humor and amazing charm. I was extremely attracted to her, she made me laugh, and we got along great. We'd talk about everything and nothing, and at no point did I feel used by her, although of course the two evenings at the cabaret did hurt my bank account, and the dinner and drinks out weren't free, but she could see I wasn't a rich man, and she didn't ask for money or gifts at any point. I think she truly liked spending time with me, and appreciated that I didn't just want to fuck her.
One morning, my phone rang at 6am. It was Tatiana, and I could barely understand her words (her work involved massive amounts of champagne drinking each night, highly unhealthy). After a couple minutes I figured out that she wanted to see me. In 15 minutes, I was showered, dressed, and at her door. She had fallen asleep, quite drunk, and surprised to see me, but happy that I had showed up.
That morning would be the only time that we would have sex. It was quite good. For one, she gave amazing head (like a professional one might say). Upon pulling my boxers off she exclaimed with her broken english and sexy russian accent: "I finally get to see you... oh my you're big!" which is absolutely hilarious because I am not big at all, below average for sure. Her sense of humor was very sarcastic, so maybe she was being sarcastic at that point but regardless I didn't care, and thought it was kind of funny.
I was a bit nervous. It was early in the morning, and felt out of synch with her state for this was the end of the day for her and she was drunk, and the start of the day for me and I was sober. I lacked that euphoric feel that alcohol brings, which certainly would've helped feel more at ease. I don't think I performed too well. I was rusty, but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. At first she got on top of me, but something felt weird. She made strange hip movements which were probably aimed at increasing sensation, but which really felt odd and out of place. I asked if she could turn around, and she said "doggystyle? yes sure!" Doggystyle was fine, but she spread her legs so much that her low position made it difficult for me to fuck her correctly, and pulled my cock south (my cock points to the sky when erect, and it tends to hurt a bit when I have to penetrate at an angle below 90 degrees).
After not being able to cum doggystyle, I pulled out and took my condom off as my cock was becoming soft again. I was out of practice, the medication I was taking was affecting my ability to get hard (more about this problem in future posts) and the circumstances were just a little too weird for me. We cuddled instead, which was quite nice and tender. After about ten minutes of cuddling, Tatiana reached for my cock and began to stroke it. As it got rock hard again she got on top of me, and I got into a sitting position, with Tatiana's body wrapping mine. We fucked that way for a while, and finally I felt myself reaching the big 'O'. I came in her, completely indifferent to the fact that I wasn't using a condom, that Tatiana was a lady of the night, and the risks that involved (disease? baby? both??) I stayed at her place that night. She warned me of which was "her" side of the bed, and when I went to "my" side, lying on my back, she leaned close to me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her leg against my body. She said goodnight, and fell asleep. I remember feeling very happy. This was a very tender moment, one that I hadn't felt since Maria (#4).
I saw Tatiana again a couple weeks later. We had coffee, talked, then hugged and said goodbye to each other as she had to head back home for 3 months, until she was allowed to get a visa to work in the country I live in again. We stayed in touch through e-mail and text messages, and upon her return here she called me. She works in a different city, 5 hours from here. It's probably a good thing. I felt something special for her. Not love, but a crush nonethless, and not having her close probably saves me from returning to a cabaret and maxing out my credit card.
On the night Tatiana left, I met Clara (#8). In a way, I wish I hadn't met Clara, as I am still hurting today by the way our relationship ended, and the way it didn't continue. I won't be completely healed until I can prove to myself that I can still be appreciated as a person and as a lover by a woman I desire. I'm waiting for that day, yet I don't know if I'm ready for it.
I should mention that I only had sex with Clara using a condom, and that 3 months after my night with Tatiana, I got tested for STDs and HIV. The results were negative, and Tatiana is not pregnant. Phew!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
My life today
Because of the nature of this blog and its sexual content, I'm trying to keep some level of anonymity. Nevertheless, I don't want this blog to be a simple account of my sex life, past & future (I have no sex life in the present). I'm hoping this can be a journal for me, and a good read for some of you people out there.
Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.
I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.
The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.
Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.
I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.
The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.
Monday, July 30, 2007
possible #9 ?
I still have to write about #4 to #8, but today's events are causing me to get back to the present and type it out. So without going into detail, here are a couple facts: I'm single, and no one is on my radar. I'd love for someone to be on my mind right now (aside from my ex: my 8th sex partner, aka #8, aka Clara). In fact, I would love to fall in love right now and start something fresh, new, romantic, hot and happy. But my current situation just won't allow it, or at least I'm not feeling it happening currently or in the very near future. So instead I'm searching for something easier to target, a fuck buddy or a fling. Realizing that it's been 3 months since I've had sex and that I really miss it, I spontaneously decided to IM a girl I know who isn't very attractive, not my type at all, but with whom I had very hot cybersex one drunken night. I hadn't had cybersex since my teen years, as it's mostly a frustrating and sad act imo, but this one night I was just that, extremely frustrated and sad about my situation with Clara, and decided to let go of my desires with this scandinavian girl which we will call Petra. Petra had mentioned previously that she was having a hard time finding a fuck buddy in The City. I would've jumped on the occasion (even though I'm not very attracted to her) had I not been involved with Clara, but as it happened I was madly in love with her, and couldn't bring myself to cheat on her, even though #8 and I weren't a true item. In fact, Clara would even encourage me to go see other girls. More about that and about the girl who broke my heart in future posts.
Anyway, back to Petra. As I was drunk, hard, stroking my shaft with one hand and typing dirty thoughts with the other, Petra began to really reveal herself as a very hot, horny and naughty girl. I let go my dirtiest side to her, mainly because I wasn't fearing her reaction. I didn't care if she was thinking that I was going too far, I simply wanted to let go of that terrible sexual tension which #8 was causing me, and I let it all go on Petra through the amazing vessel that is the internet, and msn messenger. In our cyber adventure, I pumped Petra against the wall, against every furniture piece in the room, in the butt and finally came all over her large breasts (her best asset). Petra would later write that she might just have to call a cab for me to come over and put the practice what we had just done in the virtual world. After our session she said: "too bad you're taken". I didn't insist, as I didn't want to break the the exclusivity of my heart and cock for Clara.
Fast forward to today, 3 months later, and after weeks of crying over #8, Petra suddenly pops up on MSN. I IMed her and in 5 minutes I managed to pull off a possible sex date. She said that sounded nice, but that she had to clear her mind a little (she has just gone through her own breakup). #9 would qualify as definite rebound sex, and possible fuck buddy sex. Either way it should be very naughty sex, as Petra clearly is a very naughty girl.
In the meantime, I don't want to get my hopes too high as she hasn't responded completely positively. But there certainly is hope!
Still tonight I am left pretty sad as I've been hoping to see an out town girl this week to show her around the city and my apartment as she might be subletting it next month. But something tells me she got freaked out at my last e-mail. I was being especially attentive and polite, and I fear I must have seemed desperate to meet her (I don't know her but she seems quite hot on her profile photo). I'm kicking myself for being way too attentive in my message, basically telling her I could meet her where convenient, that i could show her around the city and help with practical stuff, etc, etc. I kept a very casual tone and the message was very proper, but now I can totally see how she must be thinking "whoa, ok waaaaaay too much reaching out for a guy I don't even know". Maybe I'm overreacting but I fear I've entered the Follow me I'll avoid you, - Avoid me and I will avoid you territory. In this case being the follower. Damn it! I hate this fucking reality that when you try to be nice and attentive you end up being ignored and when you act like a fucking ass hole you're being chased. It's so fucking true too. Most times I am the one being avoided, because I'm basically a nice guy and not a prick, but I have experienced being the one chased. It was with #5, a 40 year old co-worker. I'll write about that soon.
Anyway, bed time for me. Pray for me that I will get lucky this week.
Anyway, back to Petra. As I was drunk, hard, stroking my shaft with one hand and typing dirty thoughts with the other, Petra began to really reveal herself as a very hot, horny and naughty girl. I let go my dirtiest side to her, mainly because I wasn't fearing her reaction. I didn't care if she was thinking that I was going too far, I simply wanted to let go of that terrible sexual tension which #8 was causing me, and I let it all go on Petra through the amazing vessel that is the internet, and msn messenger. In our cyber adventure, I pumped Petra against the wall, against every furniture piece in the room, in the butt and finally came all over her large breasts (her best asset). Petra would later write that she might just have to call a cab for me to come over and put the practice what we had just done in the virtual world. After our session she said: "too bad you're taken". I didn't insist, as I didn't want to break the the exclusivity of my heart and cock for Clara.
Fast forward to today, 3 months later, and after weeks of crying over #8, Petra suddenly pops up on MSN. I IMed her and in 5 minutes I managed to pull off a possible sex date. She said that sounded nice, but that she had to clear her mind a little (she has just gone through her own breakup). #9 would qualify as definite rebound sex, and possible fuck buddy sex. Either way it should be very naughty sex, as Petra clearly is a very naughty girl.
In the meantime, I don't want to get my hopes too high as she hasn't responded completely positively. But there certainly is hope!
Still tonight I am left pretty sad as I've been hoping to see an out town girl this week to show her around the city and my apartment as she might be subletting it next month. But something tells me she got freaked out at my last e-mail. I was being especially attentive and polite, and I fear I must have seemed desperate to meet her (I don't know her but she seems quite hot on her profile photo). I'm kicking myself for being way too attentive in my message, basically telling her I could meet her where convenient, that i could show her around the city and help with practical stuff, etc, etc. I kept a very casual tone and the message was very proper, but now I can totally see how she must be thinking "whoa, ok waaaaaay too much reaching out for a guy I don't even know". Maybe I'm overreacting but I fear I've entered the Follow me I'll avoid you, - Avoid me and I will avoid you territory. In this case being the follower. Damn it! I hate this fucking reality that when you try to be nice and attentive you end up being ignored and when you act like a fucking ass hole you're being chased. It's so fucking true too. Most times I am the one being avoided, because I'm basically a nice guy and not a prick, but I have experienced being the one chased. It was with #5, a 40 year old co-worker. I'll write about that soon.
Anyway, bed time for me. Pray for me that I will get lucky this week.
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