Fight, Bella and Nina

I never wrote about the 2nd part of Saturday night. Basically, I rejoined Shannon at a club, once it closed down we proceeded to get a bite to eat and while queuing I got into a verbal conflict with a tool who proceed to head butt me right between the eyes, or rather right at the top of my nose which split and bled profusely. A fight ensued, and all is well now, nothing broken, but it was one scary ordeal. My nose is fine but I have to wear one of those stick bandaids. I was pretty soar for a couple of days and I have bruises here and there. What a moron I swear. I'm a non-violent person, and I'm really not too impressed by this first real physical altercation.

So yeah, there's a risk that I will get hurt with the Bella situation, but I have nothing to lose now. I've already fallen for her, now the question is just whether she's interested in me enough to reconsider her current relationship and open up to me, or decide it's not worth starting something when my current situation is quite unclear. We're seeing each other tomorrow afternoon for coffee, maybe some questions will be resolved, but for now my feeling is: There are sure signs, but nothing definite. I'm not going to plan anything, I will go with the flow and if it feels right I'll make a move but most likely I will just honor her relationship and not say much about it and just enjoy the time together before I leave for the Big City. While in the Big City, I'm sure I'll be in contact with her somewhat, but the key thing will be to see how I manage being away from her, and how she's going to be with her boyfriend. All in all, it's a case of if I come back and she's still with him, well that's not good and I'll have to move on, but if on the other hand she has used the month of September to detach herself from him, well then the green light is there and I won't miss it! I'm really falling for this girl hard. She's perfect for me, everyting than love in a person. So sweet.

Lunch with Nina tomorrow. Sex will certainly be a topic of conversation. We joke around a lot that our lunches are in fact secret love encounters. I'll love screwing around with her, we had so much fun, and in between we talk about our relationships, troubles, heart aches. She's the best. She's my go-to girl when it comes to decisions to be taken with Bella. I usually tell her what i plan on doing, and she either says, yeah that's goof, or send the message tomorrow, or add this or take off that. I have her look at the messages Bella sends me to decode them, see if there's stuff that i might missing, or that really nothing more than friendly wording... but i can't help seeing signs here and there and it's actually kinda fun looking around!

Sleep pill in full effect. more more moe soon. xx

Saturday Night Fever pt1 (6pm - 2am)

6pm: Very nice time with Ashley by the lakeside drinking beers and talking about stuff. Our personal and work situations are very similar. She's moving state side to start a "new" life in hopes are getting kick started professionally. We have many similarities, and our personalities meche well. I don't feel a spark for her, but she's someone I would definitely like to stay in touch with and know better. We have the same kind of sense of humor, which is golden in any relationship if you ask me.

Bella joined us as planned an hour later. I can say it now, the "project" that I've been helping her with involves helping her and giving her pointers about the US, as she will be spending 6 months there next year. It made perfect sense to have Ashley and her meet in that sense, and it served as a perfect occasion to see Bella again after our first "unofficial" date. Unexpectedly she brought her boyfriend, but as it turns out I think it was a positive thing. Ashley and Bella hit it off right away, and look fwd to seeing each other again in Boston, and as they chatted away, I talked with B's bf, and he's actually quite a nice guy, though lacks a lot of maturity, which I believe and which Bella confirmed the other day, is the reason why she has no long term plans with him. Seems like there's an understanding between them, and without me in the picture I suppose they just would look to keep their thing going until she goes to Boston and then end the relationship amicably, at least that's what she pretty much explained to me the other night (minus the part about me). Ashley eventually left, and upon coming back from the restroom, the couple suggested that I join them for the rest of the evening as they were meeting up with some other friends. OK! Long story short, I spent the evening with the group of friends (3 couple, me and this other very cool and funny guy) and I had an excellent time. I was in a very social mood, and I talked with pretty much everybody, including Bella of course. Now about that! I'm sure -if you even give a shit- that you're wondering what's the deal with me and Bella, where do we stand, etc. Well upon seeing her arrive with her BF at the lake bar I wasn't thrilled but I wasn't overly upset about it either. The thing here is that if something happens with Bella, it will happen naturally (I think). There's no point in pressuring her into anything, especially given the bf situation and the fact that we won't be in the same city for a while. This alleviated a lot of pressure, and it made me much more relaxed and social and fun than I was on our "date" for instance, though are date was awesome and sweet and revealed my more intimate, kinda shy side. I hope (and I think) she digs both sides. So anyway, back to the good stuff. Bella and I had 2 or 3 moments, but one in particular where we made eye contact, and where that instant in time, that split moment bla bla bla where that brief flash moment meant more than a thousand words. Her smile, her gaze, my smile, my gaze, we were in total osmose, or whatever the fuck it's called. I also caught what I believe was silent chatter between her and her 2 gfs, and I'm pretty sure that some of the content was about me. I have a feeling the girls kinda know what's going on (even if nothing concrete is going on, there's something going there for absolute fucking certain). Bella's smile and glow when she was talking with her gfs kinda made me thing that yeah, these are good signs. To top it all off, I think even the BF knows totally what is happening, and he even at point said to Bella I "sorry do you mind if i sit there" (next to his gf, I was sitting on the other side of here) and the he kinda smiled suggesting "yeah i know what's going on, it's fine". It was very bizarre, but for now everything seems to be cool, even though the situation is not clear cut. I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. At the end of the night (which actually was only the start for me... see next post) we split, and while saying bye to to Bella I said "ok so let's check signals before I leave next week (for the Big City) and she instantly nodded and said "yeah yeah". Cool.

I'm a bit happy, I'm a bit sad, but I'm relatively serene. I'm in love, I really am. How can you be in love without even BEING with someone? I don't have theories of on all of that mumbo jumbo, all I know is that I KNOW this girl is right for me, and I KNOW there's something there, and my gut just tells me that it's right. ...But I'm gonna be patient, I'm gonna be patient, and I'm gonna be prepared if things don't turn out the way I hope they will. Our wedding will be in 2011 by the way. We'll have 3 kids.

Ok, next up is the rest of the evening, the late hours: 2:30am ---> 7:00am. It involves Shannon, drinking, blood, hospital, and tears. A night to remember.

Yeahhhhh!

Woke up around 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. Phone buzzed half an hour later, it was an sms from Bella saying that she had a really great time :D Yeahhhh. I'm ecstatic. I felt it went very well but I needed past confirmation to really feel relieved. I'm kinda traumatized by the whole Clara the bitch experience. I'm totally falling for this girl. :)))))

Going back to sleep... if I can!

Quickie

This will be very short but I just wanted to quickly say that the date with Bella was great. Almost too great, I'm left with an empty feeling now because I feel I'm falling for her, and at the same time I know it's not the right time for it to happen, and it's not the right time for her either. She's going to the US for 6 months, and I'm looking to relocate to The Big City. A long distance relationship is not a good idea. I was away from Maria for two years, and I don't want to live this again, and Bella was very clear in saying she is not looking for that either. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. I'll write more about the evening tomorrow. In short, it was great, I know now that she does feel something for me, but at the same time she is a very clever and reasonable person, and she's not about to let feelings dictate her life projects and personal ambitions.


AHhhhhhhh FUCK!!!!!! I was so worried about whether she would like me or not that I completely omitted to think about the practical aspect of it all.

Gonna pop a pill and sleep. I need it.

Nerves

I am so damn nervous for my date/meet/thing with Bella tonight. I wouldn't be this nervous if she didn't have a bf, but the fact that she has a bf is tricky because:

a) she is technically taken
b) makes a move on my part delicate
c) all of the above and more

Correct answer is c with a capital C. Like that: Capital.

I called her at noon to schedule tonight's rdv. I was terrified. I don't ever remember feeling like this before. I've been nervous before a date, but never this bad. I just hope I won't be sweating from anxiety. I'll have to excuse myself the minute I feel a drop on my forehead and not let it become overly obvious how tense I am. I'm almost tempted to take half a pill to calm down, but I won't as it can considerably change my mood, and is pretty much covering my full self, which is not my goal obviously. Oh brother. I need to remind myself that she took the initiative to see me and that her text message seemed quite promising, and at the same time if we just have a nice time and I help her out with her project and that's that, it won't dramatic... but man will I be disappointed. I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on something, and my first impression of this girl is that I really really like her. It'll be a huge letdown if her feelings aren't the same, but I'll have to deal with it and swallow my pride. That being said, I can't let myself go to this date having already lost the battle. I have to think positive, and be sure of myself, confident and of good company. You can do it B!

Dates, Bella, and Anal Sex

My date with Julia was so-so. We got along fine, but no spark there at all. We met in a park and went for drinks and a bite to eat in town before heading to the movies. It was pretty easy to find topics of conversation, but I was bit bored and she was more americanized than I had expected. A little too enthusiastic if you see what I mean. She was dressed like it's the 50s to, which wasn't particularly appealing. But a sweet girl nonetheless, just no spark.

I think she tried to pull a couple moves on me. She did the usual hand in the hair thing, and her pose was quite inviting during drinks. While in the theater she left her hand hanging as if it needed to be held. Her legs were tilted in my direction, and I caught her looking at me a couple times. I was ready to go home after but she suggested getting a drink, so we went in a bar and she ordered a mojito (to lose inhibition?) and I ordered the same, and then before I knew it the conversation turned to my sleeping and anxiety problems. Nice mood killer :)

I walked her to the train station and we said goodbye. I can't say that I performed to well, but I wasn't motivated or interested. I'll have to do better tomorrow with WD. I think it's time we give the Woman of my Dreams a name. Let's call her Bella, it suits her pretty well. So I'll have to do better with Bella, and I'll have to do something about my nervousness because when I'm nervous I sweat, and last night, even though there was no reason to be nervous whatsoever, I started dripping from the forehead during our visit during our first sit down at the bar. It must've been very obvious. It happens to me ALL the time, that's why I dislike the summer so much. If anyone has any times I'm listening, cuz I'm out of ideas. Talc powder works pretty well but how am I gonna get that on my forehead with out looking like I just plunged my head in a bowl of cocaine?

Ashley canceled tonight's date. A bit of relief as I really want to put all my effort on Thursday's rendez-vous with Bella. I asked Nina to decode Bella's text message to seek for signs of whether she might be interested in more than just friendly assistance in something she's working on, and after close analysis, she said that it seems like Bella is using the help excuse to meet, that she's making the first move, but that she'll expect me to make the 2nd one, but without throwing myself at her. All of this from one text message :) In appearance there's no substantial evidence that she wants more than just to meet, but a couple small details has me thinking there might be more, and this was confirmed from the great female mind of Nina. There's one sentence in particular: "Now you have my number". Then there's the smiley, and add to that the fact that we could've settled the matter by phone, that I felt something clicked when we met, etc, etc... well, it just makes me think that maybe, just maybe Bella and I will hit it off, get married, have kids, and live happy ever after :)

On to the sex part. Nina and I had an awesome conversation by msn yesterday about Anal love. The thing that I love about Nina, is that we can talk so openly about our sex lives, and give out TMI without feeling weird, on the contrary. She knows I have a modest sized shlong, and I know she has a rather loose vagina, which is what prompted me to say that we'd probably have to have anal sex together for her to get her kicks. She mentioned that it hasn't been a great experience for her so far, but by the end of the conversation she said it sounded like she was missing out on something, and that she would have to try it again. She was surprised to hear that out of my 8 partners, I had successfully sodomized 3 of them (whereas she has been romanced in the butt 2 out of 18 times, and had fingered one guy!). God bless that woman.

Hollywood Cast

Ok, here's a little silly thing to have with, and to give you a mental picture of what the characters of this blog look like. I'm going to make a list of actors who could play Sex at 29's cast based on physical similarity. Basically, it's a "if I was a famous actor I would be..." game. Naturally, the choices are flattering to most of the people on the list, but not all...

B................................................. Edward Norton
Woman of my Dreams................................ Eva Longoria
Clara............................................. Jenna Jameson (with small tits)
Maria............................................. Sophie Marceau
Shannon........................................... Lindsay Lohan
Nina.............................................. Joss Stone
Sonja.............................................
David............................................. David Spade
Julia.............................................
Ashley:
Petra
Lynn:
Sarah............................................. Julianna Margulies
Adriana........................................... Nicole Kidman (not as pretty)
Nathalie.......................................... Carrie-Anne Moss (not as pretty at all!)

Can't think of anyone for the blanks, but I'll fill them up later...

Gotta run!

Tags and Stuff

I've added tags to the site, which should help you browse through the content if you're a new reader. You can also check out the Cast list for short notes on the crazy characters of this blog.

I'm totally messed up this morning. I'm addicted to sleeping pills, and can't sleep without them, but the problem is that I wake up after 3-4 hours, when the effect wears off. My sleep is a total mess as a result, and this morning I'm really feeling the ill effects of all of this.

I'm very excited about my date with WD (Woman of my Dreams) on Thursday. I hope I won't be a nervous wreck. I tend to sweat a lot -mainly from the forehead, when I'm nervous. She's such a cutie, I wonder how our conversation will go. It has to go well, I don't see it happening any other way. WD is really helping me forget about #8 Clara. I feel a sense of disgust and wish for revenge when I think of Clara. What an evil mind. I'd really like to think that this period of my life was just meant to be, to allow me to learn what I really want out of life, and to give me a clean slate, a new begining, as cheesy as that sounds.

I can cum daily again when masturbating, phew. The reassuring thing is that I can stay hard a long time, which wasn't the case everytime my doctor increased the dosage of my medication. No increases in sight, so all should be ok sexually.

I'm going to the Big City in 10 days. Time flies. I don't feel quite ready, but I have time to get ready. Just need to really get cracking on preparations and practical stuff.

First of 3 consecutive dates tonight! (Julia tonight, Ashley tomorrow, WD Thursday). This is just a friendly date, so no expectations, but should be a nice evening. Full recap tomorrow of course.

Touchdown!

I think I'm finally over my squirting phase - which isn't to say I'm not interested in squirting anymore, but I'm not obsessively looking for clips online anymore. Besides, I think I've seen every squirting video clip there is on the www.

So I haven't given much news lately. As they say, no news is good news. In the last week I've had a breakthrough on a creative project I'm working on, I won a poker tournament (out of 16) at a friend's house, and last but definitely not least, the woman of my dreams text me!!! Amazing. It was on Friday evening. I was on my balcony drinking beers with an acquaintance when I received the message. She asked if I remembered her (Duh!) she made a small reference to the fact that the tequila had given her the fatal blow, and she asked if we could see each other next week for a matter we talked about when we met. I responded positively of course, staying honest but not seeming overly pushy and enthusiastic and in love, and we agreed to meet Thursday evening. There's a fair chance that she is not interested in anything more than just friendly assistance in the matter she needed help in, but from the connection I felt last weekend, and the fact that she still wants to see me, I'm thinking there's a chance it could lead to something more. Maybe it will just lead to a friendship, and I'm a specialist at developing friendships with attractive girls and end up in the friend zone trap (Shannon, Nina and so many more). But there's hope for, there's definite hope.

Other than that, well I've been rather busy and rather good. My depression is starting to wear off, and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (which has felt more like a botomless pit really). I'm still cautious, but more confident. I have a "date" tomorrow with a facebook acquaintance. I'm not interested in starting anything with her, but she wants to see the Simpsons movie and I've been wanting to see it a second time. I just love the Simpsons. Wednesday I'm seeing Ashley, a friend (girl) who is moving out of town soon. Drinks with her, and who knows maybe a shag??? (yeah right) and Thursday I'm seeing the woman of my dreams. Good week in perspective! I can't strike out, I have to keep my eye on the ball and go for the solid hit rather than hitting for the fences. It's usually when you just try to make contact that end up with extra bases or even hit a home run. I'll be happy with just a base it. My apologies if you know nothing about baseball, but I don't know any cricket or football (soccer) analogies. Basically, if I score it's great, but I'll be happy with just a good game and a win :)

Love, Squirting, and Total Lameness.

It hasn't been a bad week. It hasn't been an extraordinary one, but I've been fairly productive, so I'm pretty happy about that. The woman of my dreams (Bella) hasn't called, I'm afraid she won't call. What a damn shame.

I don't have really anything to write. I'm waiting for something to happen, and things will only happen if I get myself out there. There was a time where I would rely a lot on the internet to find my women, but seems like it's not getting me too far, and it brought me heartache recently, so fuck, why not try to meet someone in the real world? Maybe I'm just encouraged because Sunday went very well, I talked to a lot of girls, there were good exchanges, more might've happened?? I don't know, but it did boost my confidence, so I'm gonna ride the wave.

God this post is lame. DId I mention that I was having trouble cumming a gain? I tried for 4 days and the skin of my poor penis is starting to come off, so I had to give it a rest and finally yesterday I wanked in front of, yup, you guessed it... a clip of a girl squirting like mad. It just makes me so damn horny. I talked about it with Nina the other day, and she would love to be able to squirt. God bless that girl.

The woman of my dreams

Wow, I sure was drunk last night. It was a great night though, really glad I went. The highlight of course was meeting the woman of my dreams (Bella). Love at first sight, is it possible? For months I've been suffering because of a girl I had no future with whatsoever. Clara was more of an obsession, one that still creeps into my mind several times a day every day, but less and less, and certainly less so today.

I was too drunk to clearly express why I fell for this girl so fast. Basically, she had is all: the looks, the charm, the cuteness, the brain, the sense of humor. It's a whole, but I can just tell that she's a gem, and exactly my type of girl. Why, why, why must she have a boyfriend. God dammit. She has my number and I'm pretty certain she's not going to call because she got too wasted at the end, and probably even forgot some of our conversation. It was very bizarre how the alcohol hit us in a flash. We were doing fine, and then bam she had to go to the bathroom and from then on it all went downhill. Before she left, she said "I have to go to the bathroom but don't move, stay where you are, I want to continue this discussion." I saw her again when I convinced her boyfriend that we should go check up on her. She didn't look too good, and I put my hand on her shoulder and asked if she was ok. Her bf said that she probably wanted to stay alone, and she agreed (though i'm pretty sure she wanted her man to take care of her because she had called him on his cell 2 mins before). Anyway, weird situation, and I left and didn't see her again. Snif. I really hope I do see her again. On the other hand, now's not the best time for me to start something, but I just felt such a good vibe with her. Sigh.

Drunk

I am so drunk right now, but the good news is that is that i have met the woman of y,y life, and she is the carbon copy of Maria, but better. She is so fucking swettz. I want to see her again, she has my bumber, buit i dont' have hers. I hope she calls .me. She was super drunk, and our amazing conversation was interruppted by her voiming, to which i had to tell her boydrriend to go look after her. I lost touch of her, and i was so fucking dfrung that i didn't even checup on her. I refre4t. Instead i fo0llwd shannon and other mathers to another club, and we got fucking drunmg and i hit on fra ranch herigl owhom i think digged me pretty much but klike the pansy that i man, i left and say dgoddbye and kissed her on the checcks and tdidn't giver my number… DSOHHHH°T i'm sorfucking cudmnbg in those situations gods dammit. itaopij ppolshould nest be . UHHHH shanonn si takging ththe a day off tomoroow, and hogd adamn it ai how pe that will fucking fuck soon because she is majing so damn horyn. ai man comn onshe must want a coeck in ther bomouth by mow. now? Comon cshaonng i ewant to fuckg you suco bac¨. nadsibhnédfhaélshf oh yeah her tits are so fuckjing amazing . sheeeeeejus. i was to see her fucking boooooooooobs dammit. oh yeah, put ym coxok in between dem , cum on them , and her mouzth. and the shove my cock in her mouzth and tell her. hmm, you like that huh. and she fgoes hum,mmm b i want your cockl in my puzssy right now, cutz its so wet. fuckin ,BE BBBBB: iauliaksuhflkasjf$




and them climax and jizz all over the place and hopefully she squirts like a fu king mad woman. yeahhhhh

adsfméoaisdhfpoadhf

Affection

It's the weekend. What's happening this weekend? Not a whole munch planned. I might hit the gym in an hour or two. Haven't gone for about 10 days, which is not good. I've been lazy and tired lately, but today I'm determined to go. Besides, Saturday's are very quiet there, and I like to have the place to myself. I'm not an exercise freak, but the feeling after working out or doing sports is such a natural high that I really feel like I should force myself to do it more often.

I don't know what to say other than my situation is still pretty much the same. I still lack motivation, I still lack drive, I still feel lonely, I still fear for the future, but I'm still not giving up. Somewhere ahead I have to get better and live a little. Right now, the baby steps feel like stagnation land. Think positive, think positive.

So what about sex? It's in the title of this blog if I'm not mistaken. What I could say about sex is that I after watching porn daily over the last 3 months, I'm a bit porned out. These days I would be happy with simply having normal, sweet sex. I also would be happy just kissing, cuddling. I miss it so much. THANK GOD for my cat. He is such a sweetie. He jumps on my lap when I'm on the computer or watching tv, he curls up behind my legs when I'm in bed, he purrs like crazy when I caress him. Yesterday I had my hand on his stomach, and it felt so warm, so soft, so comforting. He's just a cat, he can't bring me everything, but he can bring me a little affection, and I crave that so much right now.

3 Month Diet and Getting Fat

Almost 3 months without sex. I'm sooo tempted to complain about it here, but instead I will just smile and think to myself "wow, it's really gonna feel amazing next time I DO have sex :)"

I got a reply from Ashley, the girl I met at the 4th of July party last year. She is on for drinks, in two weeks. She took 3 days to reply my facebook msg, and she is agreeing for drinks in two weeks. I think she's playing hard to get. Naughty naughty. Last year she still had a bf. I wonder if that's still the case. I guess I'll find out soon enough. Well not that soon... in two weeks! But yeah, at least we're on for drinks.

Other than that I'm still living a non-life, worrying about getting a job and finding happiness before I turn 30. I'm doing a fixation on this 30 thing. I don't give a damn myself, and I look young, but I feel like my 20s were not that great, and certainly not what I had expected. It wasn't all that bad, but I definitely thought that by 30 I would have life figured out already, and I'm as lost as ever. Funny thing is that when I hit 20, I was in a very dark place as well. I wonder what will happen when I turn 40, if I get there.

I'm not even in the mood to jerk off to porn tonight. I just feel like cuddling. I haven't had sex in 3 months, but I also haven't felt a woman's touch since then. I'm such a romantic! After not eating for weeks, I'm now over eating. I ate everything today: chicken, chocolate, bananas, cookies, crackers, yoghurts, smoothies, candy + a beer and two glasses of wine. Mix that with sitting on my ass all day and it makes for one flat stomach that isn't so flat anymore. Bad Bad B.

The Next Girl

It's very intriguing not knowing who will be the next girl that I will smooch, shag, fall in love with or who will break my heart. I've had my heart broken by two girls, Sarah and Clara. But really, the common thing in both those heartbreaks is that I was dumped, when seemingly right before things were going very well. Very deceiving. Give and get fucked. Next time around, I will not be an asshole, but I will definitely protect myself more, and think of myself before thinking for the other person, which I admit I've done too much of in the past.

I'm in the middle stage of getting better. I said a while ago that I was 70% recovered from my depression. I believe it's really more like 50%. Tomorrow I'm seeing my shrink, a very attractive columbian woman. She's probably 40-45, and she's damn sexy. I always make sure I look good when I go to my appointments with her. I've noticed the last two times that she had just sprayed perfume on her. If tomorrow she does it again, I'm going for it :) Of course I won't, but I've been fantasizing taking her on her desk since I first saw her. I don't know how turned on she could be by a guy who cries and complains about his life in front of her, but maybe it's her thing. Just a stupid fantasy, but it's nice to have an attractive girl listen to you and say the right things. It hasn't happened in a while. Nina is good at that, but Nina is taken and is a friend, besides, most of our conversations are online anyway, and right now what I really miss is human contact not involving a screen and a keyboard.

I've been drinking too much lately, or rather too often. I'm slowly becoming an addict. I take 3 kinds of medication + sleeping pills + i drink. I've stopped pot, but if I had some right now I would roll a big one and listen to massive attack's Mezzanine.

I'm still in my Squirt stage. I'm quite fascinated by female ejaculation. I read that 1 in 15 girl have this ability. No idea if that's true, but I must say the sight of girls getting off, cumming, squirting, and screaming in pleasure is quite a turn on. Any squirter readers out there?

Ok, back to wine and music in my living room. I'm working on a project, but it's top secret. So shhhhh.

Shannon

I just re-read my last entry, and
I have absolutely no recollection of writing it. Especially the last paragraph. Amazing what drugs can do to your mind, even something light like sleeping pills.


Shannon just IMed me. She wants to have lunch together, I don't have anything really going on today so I accepted. I was pretty close to making a move on her Friday whilst completely hammered. The only other time I made a move on her was two years ago when we met at work. We went out for drinks with a group of work mates, and I tried to grind with her on the dancefloor, but she pulled out, sending clear signals that she wasn't interested. I since the have given up, and come to not feel as attracted to her over the years.

Shannon is a pretty attractive girl. She has wavy blond her, clear blue eyes, very pale skin and lots of freckles, which I find pretty cute. She's the Lindsay Lohan type. She has a good body, good proportions and breast which I envision to look amazing. She's athletic but smokes way too much, has bad eating habits, and seems addicted to coke (acola, not the white powder).

The cigarette is a big turn off for me. I don't mind a girl who has a smoke socially, but she's cigging from morning to night. Her fingers are yellow as a result and she's got bad nails. Those details don't do it for me. But we've become good friends. She's pretty lonely and has been unlucky in love, but she's been very clear about the fact that she can only have sex when in love. This is what has stopped me from trying to shag her, but Friday while touching her leg in that bar at 6am, I really was fantasizing about a morning fuck with her. I wonder if she's starting to like me more. I've been more distant with her in the last couple months, which tends to rub her the wrong way, but don't girls love that? She's the type to fall in love with the wrong guy, and I have no interest in her as a "serious" partner, I'm probably moving to another city soon... I fit the profile of the Shannon type!

I might be thinking over my head here, but who knows. Let's say something did happen with Shannon, here's how I envision it would happen:

We're out drinking from late in the afternoon to early in the morning. I drop her at her flat in my car (again, not a good idea to be driving) and as we say goodbye I notice something in her smile and eyes that says "I want you to fuck me". So instead of kissing her on the cheek, I go for her lips, and she doesn't pull out.

Fast Forward 2 minutes, and we're in her elevator (lift for the brit folks) and now we're snogging like teenagers, as I am leaning against her, I clasp her against the wall, and lift her left leg. She can feel my hard cock through my pants against her hip. She starts to moan.

We're in her flat now, it's a bloody mess cuz Shannon is a slob. She apologized for the mess, tries to remove some bras from her bed, but I grab her from behind, and push her on the bed, falling onto it with her. I'm drunk so I stumble, and accidentally fall on her arm. She yells in pain, I apologize, then we laugh. We stop for a moment, the mood slows down, and now I'm kissing her gently. I sense she is becoming nervous, I reassure her by tenderly putting my arm on her cheek, and back her neck. I kiss her, she opens her mouth ever so slightly, and our tongues makes their way together, sucking each other....

ok screw the foreplay part, just imagine it as being nice and putting Shannon in the mood while my cock is yelling inside my pants "suck me!"

Fast forward a few minutes and we're now naked. Her breasts look amazing! I massage them for a while as we're both sitting, facing each other and kissing, and finally she gets down on me and starts working on my rock hard -pointing to the sky- straight uncut 6 in dick. I'm on back and she sucks on my cock, and doing a pretty good (blow) job I have to say! After about 5 minutes, she gets on top of me. I let her do most of the deciding, because I don't want to rush her, besides I like when a girl is on top.

She has her eyes closed while rocking her hips against my sliding cock. Hands on my chest, and back slightly arched. Her moaning is contagious, and I can feel she is enjoying the action. Unlike some girls who just try to please their man by acting like pornstars and putting on a show (which can be nice as well but you get my point) she is just enjoying the moment, and feeling every sensation that penetration and physical contact brings. It's contageous, and I'm thinking to myself (hmmm, this is really good).

The pace increased, and I feel her nearing climax. I increase the motions, making sure to stay in her groove, and suddenly I feel her whole body tensing up, her pussy muscles tightening, and she lets go a high pitched scream, which she tries to muffle by grabbing a pillow and biting it.

Fast forward to a break, some talking, smiling, recuperating, and we get back to it, this time I get I'm facing her, legs kneeld and back straight, I grab her hips, pull them against me, and I fuck her madly, controlling every move. It's louder and more intense than before, and it's also very good. As I near the big "O", I do something that I hadn't plan on doing, but the sight of her breasts is just too damn hot. I pull out, get on top of her, and shoot my cum all over her tits, and accidently some of it reaches her neck and hair. She seems surprised but goes with it. Afterwards I grab tissues and clean her up. We kiss, and fall asleep in each others arms.

The next day is weird. We have breakfast and panadols in her kitchen. She smokes, and I have coffee. We kiss goodbye, and I feel damn good but a little confused as to what will happen now.

Ok back to reality, I have to get ready for lunch. I'll be staring at her boobs the whole time!

tah.

ps: i have this bad habit about not proofreading what i write until hours later. please excuse my bad grammar and typos :-)

Sleeping Pills

It's 00:40. Just popped a sleeping pill, and couldn't resist the temptation to go online before the drugs do their magic.

It hasn't been a very good day. The right side of my neck is very stiff, and hurts like hell. I'm feeling blue. I feel extremely lonely. I miss human touch. I miss a girl's touch. I am not sending out positive vibes out there, and it's evident by the way girls have been avoiding me. I probably send out "needy" vibes. I try not to, but there' something that I'm not doing right.

So what can I say about sex tonight? I've covered all the girls I've been with in this blog in the span of one week. 10 years summarized in so little time. How sad. I don't care if I only have sex with one person while in my 30s as long as it's good, and as long as I'm in love. I'm not always that lovey-dovey, but I'm building this mental picture of the girl of my dreams, and in a way I'm just waiting for her to appear out of the blue and make everything better. It's not going to happen that way, I know it, but I'm drawing a total blank when it comes to working on myself. I should be planning my visit to The Big City by making contacts, getting my cv and portfolio ready, doing research, etc. Instead, I'm killing time online between this blog, facebook, e-mail, sports news and gossip pages.

I can start feeling the effect of the sleeping pills. It's such a nice feeling. It's the one moment in the day that cherish more than others. I used to love falling asleep with Maria. She was so cute in bed. She would put her head on my chest, or we would spoon. Spooning with her was great because she had curvy hips and a tiny wast. It felt so nice.

ok can't write now. the pills have the better of me. let's try to have with this and see how long I can continue typing. So Sex is sex and sex is a souvenir right now. I wonder if I know the person I will have sex next. Will it be a friend? An ex? An acquaintance? Someone I will meet on a night one. Hmm. I have to many girl friendships. I don't quite fit the bold of the people in this city. That's my theory. I want to make 100'000 Chf which is 40'000 £ in 2008. It's pretty unrealistic, but It's something I want to happen, amd will make sure it happens. yeah. toys toys toys at x-mas 2008. Girls like boys with toys.

Coffee and Sleeping Pills

Back up. I slept about 3 hours, and now I feel pretty fucked up. Sleeping pills and coffee don't mix well.

A girl I met a year ago, Ashley, added me on facebook. Why is this newsworthy? Because when I met her at a 4th of July party we instantly clicked. She's pretty hot and seems like a genuine nice fun girl. Will anything come out of this? Probably not, but I think she might be single now :-) I'm always looking for love, I should really stop that. Besides, I can't get attached to a girl now that I'm looking to move cities.

Things I want to do before I die:

- threesome (2 girls)
- have sex a with a girl who squirts
- pay off my debts
- fuck an ex
- fuck a celebrity

That about sums it up. I have other career goals but who gives a fuck about that, right? I might want kids. Well, in reality I really would like to meet the love of my life within 5 years, get married, have kids, and lead a happy & comfortable life, while having amazing sex with my wife and keeping things fresh as to not fall into a boring routine. I long for stability, but I have a need to escape.

Feeling pretty out of it this morning. Will be more productive this afternoon.

Mornin'

Good morning Monday!

I'm going back to bed after I write this blog, over the past 3 nights I've slept a combined 15 hours, and for me it just doesn't cut it. My neck hurts, my mind is buzzing like a bee, and I feel nauseous.

Bleh. When I wake up, in a few hours, I will go about my day which will consist of paying my bills, cleaning the kitchen, and maybe going to the gym. The meds are wearing me down, and make it difficult to concentrate on my fitness routine.

I wanked to some good porn last night. It's getting rare to find good porn.

Uh oh, I feel the sleeping pills working......... nighty morning zzzzzzzzzzzz

Sunday Rambling

It feels pretty good to have gotten the sex stories out of the way. Clean slate now. I'm now wondering if that's it for my sex life in the twenties. I'm turning 30 in 4 months, and given my current lifestyle I would say there's about a 50/50 chance that I will score again by the end of the year. I will be spending one month living with my bro in the Big City, and bringing a girl home is absolutely out of the question. My bro and I are pretty private about our personal lives, especially when it comes to girls, and I like it that way. We're more open about it than we were a few years ago, but I still can't possibly imagine fucking a girl with him in the room next door. No way. But why even think of this when I have absolutely no reason to believe I will score while in The Big City.

I'm not counting on doing anything with possible #9 girl either. The more I think about it, the more I feel it's a bad idea. I'm just not attracted by her physically, nor by her personality. It just doesn't feel like a good idea.

I'm on medication right now, which has had a very positive effect on my mood, there's absolutely no question about it. The down side is that there are a few side effects, the worst being a significant decrease in my ability to stay hard and cum. Not cool. However my body is adjusting, and after two weeks of struggle and feeling that I have the dick of a 70 year old, I can now stay fully erect, and cum more easily, but I really need to work hard for it to happen. If I were to have sex, I might just have to cross out having an orgasm. Not such a big deal, girls do it all the time. Am I right or am I right?

Ok, time to shower and get dressed. More rambling later in the day. smooch.

Nina and #8 Clara (part 2)

If I had to marry somebody, it would be Nina.

Nina

Nina and I met at work in 2004. At first, I wasn't particularly drawn to her, but as she often passed in front of my desk to see our big boss, we'd often smile at each other, and finally one day I struck up a conversation with her. I remember it quite vividly, it was right at the beginning of 2005. We were talking about our mutual x-mas holiday breaks, and both of us had had major fights with our Exes of 4 years. Things just clicked between her and I, and through Instant messaging at work, we opened up a lot to each other, revealing many secrets and personal things. We began to take breaks together, and at one point I thought something was happening between the two of us, and I was hoping that we would date.

As she opened up to me, I began feeling more and more attracted to her. Blond hair, amazing green-blue eyes, a pretty face with very cute fossetts on her cheeks, a nice smile. She was and still is a bit overweight. She doesn't have what today's standards would call an amazing body, but I was very turned on by it nonetheless. Her breasts are huge! Almost too big. She has very pretty legs. But most of all, she has that special spark.

Finally, the subject of sex came one day on IM, and we now talk about it all the time. But both know that we love it, and we both are very open sexually and in our discussions. I'd love to have sex with her, but I also could easily fall in love with her. She has everything that I like in a person: She is very caring, loving, has a great sense of humor, she listens, she more than anyone understands what I am going through (even though she doesn't suffer from depression, she has had her own psychological troubles). She is a very family orientated person, she has good values but she also knows how to party and have fun. She has a very high emotional IQ. She has blond moments but doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes her soooo charming. She keeps telling me how she can be a total bitch to her bf and sulk for hours but I'm sure that she's a sweetheart with him.

I respected Nina tremendously and owe her a lot for being the person who has helped me the most when I was down. She gives me a lot of hope that maybe some day I will meet someone that I will fall in love with, and that will be good for me (unlike Clara). I could fall in love with Nina, and I did have a crush on her for a long time, but for now I just feel lucky knowing her and am thrilled to be friends with her.

She seems pretty serious with her couple, but like in every couple, some issues do exist. The biggest issue in hers is related to sex. They're not at all on the same wave length in the department, as he much more reclusive and doesn't get turned on easily. It's sad, and I know she suffers from it a lot. In some ways, I would cherish the opportunity to go out with her if things didn't work out with her bf, but I don't even know if she would be willing to start something with me, if she is attracted to me. We're closer now than we were when we were both single, so maybe this time things would be different, but I doubt it will happen and it's nothing something I'm waiting to happen. That being said, I bet that sex would get along great in bed.

She's very open sexually. She told me that she likes giving head, anal sex, having her man cum on her tits, etc. She has toys, and she likes to try new things. She said something that really caught my attention and that I agreed with. She said that 80% of the time she likes sex to be a very loving act, tender but hot. But 20% of the time she likes things to be very wild. Something with Clara that scared me a lot was her relationship with sex, but also what turned me about her. Clara watched a lot of porn, all kinds of porn. She wanted to try a 3some with a girl, she liked to use toys, but what scared me a lot is that she liked to be dominated during sex. She wanted me to smack her butt really hard, and pull her hair. I know that in her childhood her mother was a bit abusive, and I'm sure it has an impact on sex life today, but it's something I was never completely comfortable with. While I enjoy some of the domination/submissive games, I'm not one for extremes, and I think Clara wanted a man that could dominate her more convincingly than I could. She told me that I wasn't pervert enough during sex, which really surprised me. The fact that I wasn't a good enough lover for completely shattered my self esteem in bed. To me, she tried to much to have sex like a pornstar, which can be fun at times but which isn't real sex. Some of the things she did were replicas of Jenna Jameson's tricks, who happened to be Clara's favorite Porn actress.

Yet I loved having sex with her, I was extremely turned on by devil /angel duality in sex, but affected by it as well. After sex Clara was often very cute and cuddly and seemed extremely happy. Yet from what I got after she left me, and even during some IM conversations we had while we were seeing each other, is that she wasn't completely happy with my performances. What a bitch. I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I fell for her. I hate that I fell for her. She's the only person that I really wished I had never met, because I hate how I reacted around her, and after the breakup. I felt and still feel like a failure, yet I know deep in my mind that she is the stupid one, she is the fucked up one, she is the sad person. Love is blind, can drive you crazy, can fuck with your mind. It certainly did with Clara.

But maybe everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nina was the only person who was able to make me feel better about Clara. I can't really say how she did it, but she said the exact things that I needed to hear. I'm having trouble explaining how she did it, but she simply did. And even if I still haven't recovered from the Clara fuck up, Nina enabled me to get back to reality and remind me that: A girl like Nina is what I need. A girl that releases my good sides. I love how I am around Nina, I am completely myself and feel no anxiety or second guess what I say. With Clara, I kept second guessing every single thing that came out of my mouth, and a lot of the things that I would say, I would end up regretting, or would come out differently than I wanted them to come.

Ok, Fuck you Clara. I'm done with you in this blog. In a fucked up way I still hope we can be friends, but in reality I just really want to succeed and be happy in life and come back in a few years and show you how I was so much better off without you, and without that fucking job that I hated, and that you gave me so much shit for quitting. Fucking bitch. I want revenge and I hope that you'll pay for your the way you treated me.

That felt better. Now let's move on. I don't want to think about her anymore. Let's move forward!

#8 Clara (part 1)

Hmm, should I now write about Clara or not? I think of her less and less each day, but I still think of her too much. Losing her is starting to hurt less, but it still stings when I think of those times when she did or said something really nice to me, and how it all completely went away. I also cannot quite get over the mean things she said to me after we broke up and how she cut me from her life completely.

#8 Clara

Ok, let's get it over with. I met Clara online. She initiated conversation with me on a forum for the international community of The City. She would later reveal to me that she had browsed through all the pictures of guys on the site, and picked the two that looked the most attractive.
I'm not used to this kind of attention, so it absolutely delighted me. We stayed in touch for a couple weeks, and I got to learn through our exchanges that she was a very very peculiar girl.

It feels weird writing about her. I'm still left with an uneasy feeling. I know, and everyone around me knows, that she wasn't right for me. We had too many differences, but I was absolutely drawn to her charm and unique personality. At least, one side of her personality. The other side was simply awful. Basically, Clara is the type of girl who goes out of her way to please the people she loves, but completely crushes the ones that she dislikes. Her words and actions or very often in contradiction with the truth. She had told me just about everything and it's opposite. This would drive me absolutely crazy.

Ok, I feel like I'm not getting at what I want to say. I don't know what to say. I could right pages and pages about her, about what i liked, about what i disliked. The reality is that I fell in love with her, and in the moments where she apparently liked me a lot, I rarely felt that loved in my life. I miss those things....

It's too hard to write, I'm starting cry. I was feeling good before I began to write, I better just leave this entry empty until I'm really able to write about her objectively. Right now I'm still too affected.

Damn it, I hate being so emotional and hypersensitive. It's a quality in some ways, but it's also a major handicap. I'm just going to try to relax, watch a dvd the I rented (The Departed) and write some stuff in the notebook that I just bought. I'm using it as Daily Planner in a way. I'm trying to put to words and to let out visually the things that I want in life. I'm trying to follow my bliss, and by writing out my dreams and wishes, it helps me feel more upbeat about things, and less terrified.

My mind is fumbling, I'm having a hard time finding the right words. English is not completely my first language, I grew up speaking two languages. One with my dad, and the other with my mom. Sometimes when I'm tired, I can't concentrate in English. Maybe it's because I had way too much to drink yesterday. I almost put a move on my friend Shannon. We're friends and nothing more. She's pretty, but I'm not very attracted to her, except when I'm drunk, and last night we spent 14 hours together straight, and upon dropping her at her apartment at 7:30am (yup, long night) I almost went for it. I'm glad I didn't, the morning (afternoon in this case) would've been rough. I just remembered that I had my hand on her leg in a bar at 6am last night. Haha. We were so smashed. On my way out I made eye contact with a girl, and as I was walking out she followed my gaze and had a big smile. As I walked out, she banged the window, smiling and make hand gestures. I have no idea what she meant by that. Was she playing with me, or did she simply think I was cute? I was too drunk to tell. I can't believe I drove. I hate myself for doing that. Fortunately I didn't have to drive far between the bar, Shannon's and my place, but still.... so stupid.

Ok, writing about that made me forget Clara. Good save. Now I'm headed to the living room for dvd, notebook and cat time. Love my cat.

Dreading

I dread writing the entry about #8 , Clara, because:

a) it still hurts
b) what next?

What next? What next? What next?

1. Get better
2. Move
3. Find a job
4. Live
5. Fall in love

1. Requires a positive attitude, patience, faith in medication, help, determination, love.

2. I'm sick of The City. It's home and I will always have a deep connection to this place, but I need a change - badly. It's in the works, it's the one thing that gives me some sort of hope because I plan on moving to a bigger city with better opportunities. I have friends and family in The Big City, which is reassuring.

3. I could look for a job now but I'm not in a very good state. It's hard to explain depression to someone who's never lived it. There's a big difference between feeling depressed, and going through depression. Depression is a disease, and its cure isn't the same for every body. What works for some won't work for others. Right now I'm trying to find the right combination for myself, and I am getting better, but until I absolutely rid myself of depression will I be able to seriously start looking for a job and conceive a professional future for myself. I've relapsed four times in the past by speeding the process, and therefore never quite curing my state. I hope that by dealing with it now it will refrain me from snapping at 35 or 40, with possibly a wife and kids. At least right now I'm only harming myself.

4. "I'm not living, I'm killing time" to quote Thom Yorke. I live fragments of life, but every time I go out and try the live, I end up hurting even more the next morning. It's hard to explain. I'm slowly reacquainting myself with the things that once made me happy, such as writing, seeing friends, watching movies... but I'm still struggling to enjoy those things. I want to enjoy life, and I want to follow my bliss, but I'm just not sure where that bliss lies right now.

5. I can't skip 1,2,3 and 4 and go straight to 5, it would give me a false sense of security and satisfaction. I long for someone's touch, for someone's love, for someone's presence, but I have to be able to do things for myself before I start doing things for others. Once I'm able to feel good about my own life, will I be able to bring somebody else into it. That being said I could use some company right now. I really long a woman's touch, especially when she lies to me next in bed, and caresses my back spontaneously in a very tender and soft manner. I think I love nothing more in the world than that. Clara did it one night, and I mistakenly fell in love that very moment.

ps: chatted a bit with potential #9 today, but I just feel too weird about seeing her and I think she's having second thoughts as well. I think I can live without experiencing rebound sex, I doubt it will make me feel much better anyway.

#7 Tatiana

A pretty long break happened between #6 and #7. About 5 months. During that time I didn't pursue any sort of action. I was jobless and not in a very good state of mind. At the end of the year I would meet Tatiana, a cabaret beauty from Russia.

#7 Tatiana

Many of my friends have solved the lack of sex in their lives by opting to "pay" for sex. It's something that never really appealed to me. It just doesn't feel right to have intercourse with someone who doesn't have sex with you for what's in your pants (or heart) but for what's in your wallet instead.

So Tatiana is a lady of the night, or as she would probably call herself, a cabaret artist. One night, after a frustrating loss in an online p0ker tournament, my desperate friend Max insisted we get a drink at a pretty ritzy cabaret in town. I needed a drink, and figured watching topless girls (for the most part gorgeous and from eastern europe) perform their art would be fairly harmless and enjoyable. Fast forward a couple hours later and here I am, melting for Tatiana whose smile, siberian eyes and sense of humor completely captured me, to the point where I went over my evening budget to share a bottle of champagne with my friend and our two charming escorts.

Nothing happened that night aside from some drunken dancing on the cabaret dancefloor, and my first ever performance using a pole, which I have to say very much enjoyed and excelled at. Quite honestly, it was one of the funnest nights I've ever had. Max and I were the only customers, and Tatiana and Max's girl were a lot of fun, and genuinely seemed to enjoy our company, especially on the dance floor which was very much similar to the one in Saturday Night Fever. That evening cost me way too much, but the fun and I was priceless (ironically I paid with a mastercard).

I would see Tatiana again a few weeks later at the cabaret, and a couple more times outside of her "work" for dinner at my place and in a russian restaurant (absolutely foul I might add). I felt silly for falling in the category of guys who fall for strippers, but I truly enjoyed every second with her and I can't escape the fact that she is a very nice girl with a great sense of humor and amazing charm. I was extremely attracted to her, she made me laugh, and we got along great. We'd talk about everything and nothing, and at no point did I feel used by her, although of course the two evenings at the cabaret did hurt my bank account, and the dinner and drinks out weren't free, but she could see I wasn't a rich man, and she didn't ask for money or gifts at any point. I think she truly liked spending time with me, and appreciated that I didn't just want to fuck her.

One morning, my phone rang at 6am. It was Tatiana, and I could barely understand her words (her work involved massive amounts of champagne drinking each night, highly unhealthy). After a couple minutes I figured out that she wanted to see me. In 15 minutes, I was showered, dressed, and at her door. She had fallen asleep, quite drunk, and surprised to see me, but happy that I had showed up.

That morning would be the only time that we would have sex. It was quite good. For one, she gave amazing head (like a professional one might say). Upon pulling my boxers off she exclaimed with her broken english and sexy russian accent: "I finally get to see you... oh my you're big!" which is absolutely hilarious because I am not big at all, below average for sure. Her sense of humor was very sarcastic, so maybe she was being sarcastic at that point but regardless I didn't care, and thought it was kind of funny.

I was a bit nervous. It was early in the morning, and felt out of synch with her state for this was the end of the day for her and she was drunk, and the start of the day for me and I was sober. I lacked that euphoric feel that alcohol brings, which certainly would've helped feel more at ease. I don't think I performed too well. I was rusty, but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. At first she got on top of me, but something felt weird. She made strange hip movements which were probably aimed at increasing sensation, but which really felt odd and out of place. I asked if she could turn around, and she said "doggystyle? yes sure!" Doggystyle was fine, but she spread her legs so much that her low position made it difficult for me to fuck her correctly, and pulled my cock south (my cock points to the sky when erect, and it tends to hurt a bit when I have to penetrate at an angle below 90 degrees).

After not being able to cum doggystyle, I pulled out and took my condom off as my cock was becoming soft again. I was out of practice, the medication I was taking was affecting my ability to get hard (more about this problem in future posts) and the circumstances were just a little too weird for me. We cuddled instead, which was quite nice and tender. After about ten minutes of cuddling, Tatiana reached for my cock and began to stroke it. As it got rock hard again she got on top of me, and I got into a sitting position, with Tatiana's body wrapping mine. We fucked that way for a while, and finally I felt myself reaching the big 'O'. I came in her, completely indifferent to the fact that I wasn't using a condom, that Tatiana was a lady of the night, and the risks that involved (disease? baby? both??) I stayed at her place that night. She warned me of which was "her" side of the bed, and when I went to "my" side, lying on my back, she leaned close to me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her leg against my body. She said goodnight, and fell asleep. I remember feeling very happy. This was a very tender moment, one that I hadn't felt since Maria (#4).

I saw Tatiana again a couple weeks later. We had coffee, talked, then hugged and said goodbye to each other as she had to head back home for 3 months, until she was allowed to get a visa to work in the country I live in again. We stayed in touch through e-mail and text messages, and upon her return here she called me. She works in a different city, 5 hours from here. It's probably a good thing. I felt something special for her. Not love, but a crush nonethless, and not having her close probably saves me from returning to a cabaret and maxing out my credit card.

On the night Tatiana left, I met Clara (#8). In a way, I wish I hadn't met Clara, as I am still hurting today by the way our relationship ended, and the way it didn't continue. I won't be completely healed until I can prove to myself that I can still be appreciated as a person and as a lover by a woman I desire. I'm waiting for that day, yet I don't know if I'm ready for it.

I should mention that I only had sex with Clara using a condom, and that 3 months after my night with Tatiana, I got tested for STDs and HIV. The results were negative, and Tatiana is not pregnant. Phew!

#6 Sonja

Right after my fling with Lynn, I would experience another short lived affair, with another ex co-worker. I say ex, because she left work earlier that year, but we remained in contact after her departure.

#6 Sonja

Sonja confided in me a lot. She was about 6ft tall, with very long legs. Her hair was long and black, and she had the most amazing clear blue eyes. Sonja was a former stewardess, and spoke several languages. Sonja, however, was married. Her husband was a pilot, and therefore rarely home. As a result, Sonja felt very lonely and depressed (depression being a topic we often discussed as we were both victim of it). When her husband was home, she felt he wasn't attentive to her and to her needs. I never would've considered approaching Sonja because of her married status, but my best friend at work had revealed to me that he had had an affair with Sonja while at work. This did not surprise me one bit, as they often lunched together, and Sonja was quite flirty with him during after work drinks. My friend simply made a move before I thought about it. We often joked about who would get to sleep with her first, but in reality I think none of us dreamed it would really happen. In fact, I believe it is really Sonja who made the move on my friend, and not the other way around.

Eventually, my friend stopped the affair, probably feeling too guilty about the whole ordeal. Shortly after, Sonja began calling me more often, and we went on a couple dinner dates together, but I still refrained for doing more. It just didn't feel right, and it was a territory I had not yet entered (getting involved in cheating - being a married woman's lover).

One morning I woke up and the image of Sonja on top of me jumped into my mind. I must've been dreaming that night about fucking her because I could not think of anything else that morning. I masturbated to her that morning, and it felt great. On my way to my shrink's later that day, I texted her, asking is she wanted to come to my place that evening for drinks. She instantly replied positively. Later that night, I finally made my move.

It was on my living room couch. We kissed for a while, and felt each other's bodies with our hands. I didn't feel much of a spark, but I was very turned on by the realization that I had woken up thinking of her in the morning, and that my spontaneous decision to contact her actually resulted in the outcome that I had fantasized about for a long time, and more than ever at the start of the day.

After unzipping my pants and pulling my pants off, Sonja removed by boxers and proceed to give me great head. She didn't seem hesitant at all. Everything was very methodic, as if she was used to doing this quite a lot (which maybe she did?). She kneeled on the rug, and used both her hands to massage my raised cock while facing me. She sucked enthusiastically and with a lot of technique. You could tell she had done this quite a bit, and had developed a routine. I suggested we move to the bed as she looked quite uncomfortable on my floor, and the contact of my leather couch against my naked body didn't do much for me.

I don't remember much of what followed except that it was pretty nice. I never did feel that spark with Sonja that night, but we had good sex nonetheless, and would have good sex again twice in the span of a month. Her lips were very wet, and her body somewhat cold, even though I have to say she was a good lover, and quite open sexually, even though she often admitted to me that she disliked her body a lot.

The last time we made love was the nicest. I say love because it was much more tender, more intimate in a way than our previous two sessions. I remember being on top of her, with my chest against her, and her legs wrapped against my thighs, her hands on my butt. I remember putting my forearm and elbow flat on the bed, cupping her shoulders with my hands while motioning my hips against hers. It felt amazing, but a little too intimate. I remember thinking that the way we were fucking that afternoon resembled more the act of a couple in love having sex for the first time, than that of a married woman having an affair with her co-worker.

Sonja was glowing after I came. I was absolutely exhausted after cumming (quite loudly I recall), and could barely keep my eyes open after that. She stayed a long time on my bed, naked, looking at me, smiling, and playing with my chest hair with her hand.

A month later I found out that she was pregnant. I was terrified at the thought that it might be from me, even though we had used a condom. Weeks later I spoke to her and she reassured me that her husband was for sure the father, but as I would later find out, when we had sex that afternoon, she was already a couple weeks pregnant. :-S

Needless to say, that stopped me from seeing her again, at least for sex. We did see each other a couple times after, and had dinner together like we did back when we were just friends. I felt very guilty about my part in this situation, but today Sonja has a lovely baby girl, and to my knowledge her marriage is going better.

#5 Lynn

I'm writing a sex blog, but I have to admit that I am quite repulsed at the state of sexuality in the 21st century. With easy access to pornography on the internet and cell phones, it seems like pornography is everywhere, and contains no boundaries. More and more people are trying to have sex like pornstars, rather than simply finding the right elements that make the act of having sex so unique and enjoyable. This might seem ironic as I write candidly about my fantasies and experiences, focusing on the imagery and graphic nature of the act rather than in the overall emotional experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love sex, I watch porn and get turned on by it, but I also feel a sense of disgust at how messed up sex can become and how one-dimensional sex is portrayed out there in the world today.

Ok enough preaching, here's a different episode in my life.

#5 Lynn

I love categorizing things, ranking things. It comes from my love for logic, calculus and sports. I believe it not to always be a true reflection of one's true ability (someone with an IQ of 135 isn't necessarily smarter than someone with an IQ of 115 for instance), but it makes me feel more organized, and more in control of my life and persona. The reason I'm saying this, is because the sex I had with Lynn ranks as the worst sex that I've had.


Lynn was a 40yr old co-worker, 12 years my senior. She was a rather attractive woman, but not really my type. Short blond hair, cold blue eyes, big teeth, tiny breasts with huge nipples, and a strong athletic body. Very nice ass I might add. Irritating laugh and facial expressions during the act that had me looking away. Lynn was in a bad marriage for
12 years with a man who didn't know how to satisfy her sexually, and who didn't care for sex at all... thinking that sex was a dirty act. As a result, Lynn was very thirsty for new and exciting experiences. I would be only her 2nd or 3rd partner since her breakup. I'll spare you the details of how we got to sleep with each other, only to say that during our first night together I struggled greatly as:

1) her pussy was waaaaay too loose for my modestly thick penis
2) she was way too aggressive in her movements, squeezing my arms and legs with her limbs with the force of Lucy Lawless, causing major neck pain and skin burns.

Lynn was aggressive in everything she did. I remember being shocked by how fiercely she chopped onions and scrubbed her dishes.

The sex lacked any sensuality, and was clearly painful than enjoyable. I dealt with this by outdueling her wresting moves, pushing her away from me, grabbing her thighs and taking control. Unable to come facing her, I turned her body around and proceeded to fuck her from behind. Her ass was definitely a better feature than her breasts and face. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but it's the sad truth. Her back was pretty nice as well, quite muscular as you can imagine.

Doggystyle was slightly better, but I could still feel only little sensation while penetrating her. None of that nice pussy squeezing feeling around my shaft. It almost felt as though I was fucking an empty tennis ball tube.

We had sex about 4-5 times over a period of two weeks. Finally, the excitement of sleeping with a co-worker, and the relief of getting back into action after 4 years of exclusivity to Maria wared off. I put an end to the relationship. Lynn didn't take to it well, and even suggested we become fuck buddies. At that time I was growing uncomfortable at work as I could feel some people noticing signs that Lynn and I were screwing around (thanks to her increasing visits to my office, and unsubtle blinks of the eye). I refused her offer and tried my best to be civil to her and not act as an ass hole who had simply used her for a lay or two. None of that find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em crap.

a couple weeks later, on a Friday night, I got drunk, and as I was headed home (by foot of course) Lynn called to say "I'm in your area and thought I'd say hi" to which I replied "oh hi! well I'll be home in 5 minutes. Why don't you come by?". This would be our last fuck but also the best I had with her. It was the best because I wasn't thinking, I was just following my instincts which consisted in grabbing her at the entrance of my flat, taking all her clothes off, carrying her against my wall mirror, and feeling her with my hands and mouth right there in the dark. I then proceeded to carry her to my room, throw her on the bed, and reach for a comdom. At which point she turned around and got on her knees in doggystyle position. I fucked her intensely that way for a few minutes, after which she whispered in my ear "fuck me in the ass". I happily did, as you well know by now that my cock and her pussy don't mix and match too well. The anal sex we had after that felt much better, and triggered some loud moans and grunts from her part. I came in less than 30 minutes, which was a first with her.

She left my flat at 5am to change home before picking up her kids at their granparents' house. I was very happy to wake up alone, and satisfied that our last fuck turned out to be our best.

What followed wasn't very glorious. She began stalking me at work, following me in the parking lot, and calling me in the middle of the night begging me to give her another chance. Eventually I had to urge her to stop contacting me in any shape or form. A month later I had what would be my 4th breakdown due to depression, which later triggered the end of my work. A place I loved, but a job I didn't particularly enjoy. Lynn tried to contact me again, but I put an end to it by sending her a mean -but just- e-mail, in which I underlined that her actions were making me uneasy and were a threat to my well being. Thankfully, she respected my request and I haven't heard from her since.

A few posts ago, I wrote about the "follow me and i will avoid you / avoid me and i will follow you" syndrome. Most of the time I'm in the follower's position (though never in the psycho harassing Lynn way) but in this case, I was definitely turned out to be the avoider.