Pondering

Well, it looks like I won't be having sex during my stay here after all. You can never say never but I toned down the outings recently as I really maxed out the first couple weeks. I will try to go out this weekend and find biiiirds. I'm good at making first contact but I don't have that killer instinct it seems. Don't know why. Maybe girls are just good at flirting and then denying. Hmm, food for thought. I actually think i've been faced mostly with girls who are taken already, so they have this inner battle going and in the end they pull out before it becomes too "risqué".

Bella hasn't given sign of life in a few days. I can't get worked up about it, I shouldn't get worked up about it, I won't get worked up about it... but I think about it and sulk a bit... oh well. I really wonder what's going to happen when I return to the small city. I will be there until the end of the year and then I'm moving to London for good in Januray. At least, that's the plan. It would be dumb to start something in the small city, which might be the reason why Bella is sending a bit of a mixed message, + she is going to the US for 6 months in March, so realistically it can't really work for us, but damn it... I really really feel something strong for her.

I wonder who I'm going to have sex with next? Will it be someone I know, someone I don't know, someone that I will only see once, someone I will settle with, have a fling with, become fuck buddies with?? I have no clue. I just hope it will happen sooner than later because I'm going nuts here. I've been fantasizing about fucking siting down on a couch, with a girl on top, legs wrapped around my ass and hands on my shoulders. I'm holding her butt and she is moving her hips in and out of my cock while I follow the motion and direct her pumps with my hands. I feel the tip of her nipples brush my chest, and feel her waist against mine as she gets close to me and we kiss passionately while fucking. It's really hot. I want that!!!

Some Days are Better than Others...

...and this is not one of those days. Not a bad day by any means, but I'm feeling a little under the weather, that's all. As I've repeated over and over, I'm hopeful about a possible relationship with Bella, but I also have to be prepared that it might actually not happen. I've been doing a good job not thinking about it too much, but today for some reason I thought about her a lot, and just kinda fell lonely. I miss not having a girlfriend. I haven't had a real one since Maria two years ago. That's a fucking long time. As much as I talk about it, I'm not that much into going after chicks and getting laid. I'm more of the couple type, and it just makes me sad today that I'm single and that I like someone but that I'm not with her. Some days just are better than others...

New Readers

Thanks to very nice review from a great blog resource called sexy blogs I've noticed that my page has been getting many more hits in the last couple days. For all you knew readers out there, I recommend starting the blog from the start, as it recounts my sexual history from the start and contains more "sexual" content. While this blog is titled Sex at 29 it's mainly really a diary about my life, and much of it includes my thoughts on sex and love, etc. As mentioned on the right side section, sex related matters are written in purple in case you're just here to read the dirt :-)

Happy read and don't hesitate to comment! (positively or negatively or for suggestions on improving the site).

Weekend fun and Week to cum

This week I'm going to clean up my blog a little. I've been slacking in the "tags" and "purple explicit material" department, and I've almost totally given up on proofreading. Sloppy. I'm having such a good time in London that I'm not taking as much time blogging lately, but it's still something that I really enjoy and want to keep up. Blogging was very therapeutic to me when I was down and started Sex at 29, and now it's a bit of a reminder of how much better I feel, and it also allows me to express my doubts and updates on my personal life, mainly in regards to love/sex interests.

Here's a quick update:

I had an awesome weekend. Saw Prince on Thursday at the O2 which totally kicked ass. On Friday went to a dinner party with my two good London friends, Paulo and George, + my brother David and some of George's friends (kinda boring people but ok company) and we ate really good greek food and for the first time ever I smoked a joint with my brother! I was hiding the fact that I smoke sometimes to him, and absolutely did not suspect that he smoked a little too, but voilà at 29 and 32 we finally discover things about ourselves that we were hiding from each other!

Saturday had a long long walk with David in Town. He bought shirts and I just followed him pretty much. We had sushi at Yo Sushi and had a funny conversation with a French waitress. Had a killer workout at the gym after, and completely crashed in my bed in the evening. I managed to have a nice masturbating session in front of youporn.com before going to sleep. Saturday was also Bella's birthday (which I had learned about just one day before in a text msg from her!) so I texted her later Friday night to wish her a happy bday and because I was a bit high and quite smashed I wrote a slightly more daring message in which I said "23 kisses all over". She replied the next morning and thanked me for the nice msg. We're still very "prudent" in our exchanges. I toned down a little because there's no point in things getting more open while we're away from each other, and I think it might freak her out a bit, but we have had a couple nice messages to each other and about one e-mail per week.

Sunday I took it easy and in the evening went to Pamela's dinner party. I hadn't seen her in ages, so it was a bit of class reunion with me, her, Paulo and George (we all were in the same class in school in the small city. We had so many laughs talking about all the crazy things we did back then with teachers. It was such a wild bunch.

Today.... will do my usual routine of going to starbucks and working on my "projects". Tonight, seeing Ricky Gervais :-)

Crazy times! Maybe I'm having too much fun. I need to get serious again :-/

One thing that I am not getting is some ass. I'm really horny these days. Those days of my anti-depressants blocking my sex drive are long over. I want to jerk off just about all the time now, and I really cuz use a fuck, or a shag as they say here :) 120 days with no sex :-/ I'm scoring before going back to the small city. I have to! +, you guys need some good sex stories... it's been rather sexless around here in a while :-)

A Wiser Man

Hey Girls (I don't think any boys read this blog. If you do, make yourselves heard wankers ((see, I'm picking up on the brit lingo already!)) ) <----- abusive usage of parenthesisssieeis I know.

So as I said so excitingly in my last post, Bella broke up with her BF. It's half a surprise, she had been very vocal about their differences when we had our 4 hour date/thing last month, but at the time she had expressed her willingness to continue seeing him until she's off to the US in March for a 6 month period. That same evening she showed a clear interest in me. Women and their mixed messages, I tell you. I'm not taking the news of this split as a sign that she is opening up the door to me enter her life, but more as a sign that she wants more from a relationship than what she had with this dude, and my feeling is she doesn't want to rush anything, so I'm not going to jump right in and say "tada!" but instead maintain regular correspondence with her and when I return home in October, then we'll see what happens. I don't have a set plan right now. Having spent 3 weeks in London now I can say this: I really see myself living here, and working here. I like the lifestyle here, I like the people, I have friends and family here, and I'm close enough to home that I can come back at any time with a cheap easyjet flight. This might make a relationship with Bella complicated, but one thing has changed since I was back home in..... I have to find a name for home without revealing the name of the place cuz it's so small that I would lose all anonymity. If you want to know you can e-mail me, but I just don't want to reveal it out there to the blog world, even though I know that I have 4 faithful readers (thanks girls :) ). But anyway, when I was home I was feeling sorry for myself (remember that time?) and I was focusing too much on my love life, and my attraction for Bella. Now I'm focusing more on dealing with myself, on enjoying my own company and getting excited about future projects and finding a good gig. It's a big change for me. If something happens with Bella, it will, but it also only will if I'm in a good state of mind. Maria and I split up because Maria lost an interest in me because I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't happy with my job and life dreams. I lived through her, and I guess it wasn't a very comforting thing for her. She felt I had lost hope in my "dream" and could do so much better. I want to do better, and the rest will come. I really have an amazing attraction and feel for Bella, and I hope things do evolve to a point where we will be together, but I can't rush anything. I'm learning that every day, even if at times I feel very impatient. Anyway, can't wait to see her when I come back home.

120 days with no sex and counting :-)

Nina might come and visit with her BF if I move here. They'd like to see a football game, so it's something we could do + party a bit. Her BF and her are having sex again. I'm very happy for them. Her BF had issues that were making it hard for him to reveal himself sexually, but it seems like he's making progress on reaffirming his sexuality, something that he probably repressed for a long time.

I'm almost done with my cold. It was a nasty but short one. I need to make sure not to relapse, but staying home for 3 days with one hour daily walks outside and lots of fluids + no alcohol seems to have made wonders for me. I slept like a baby last night. Hadn't happened in ages.

I made 120$ in 1 month in online poker, playing about 3 hours per day. I steadily went from 10 to 120. At dinner I was telling my brother how I had mastered the HU (Head's up, one v. one poker) technique, and then before going to bed I lost 1, then 2, then 3 straight matchups. I was so frustrated that I went on more expensive tables and lost again. I lost a total of 8 straight matchups (some of which I should've won if it wasn't for total insults to the laws of probability) but lost all my 120$. I'm actually quite happy about that. I was wasting far too much time with this poker stuff, and much prefer playing in live tourneys everyonce in a while rather than being an online poker junkie, which I was slowly becoming and not even making much cash in the process. No money, no temptation to play. As easy as that.

Prince tonight. Can't wait. I'm gonna party like it's 1999!

Breaking News!

I'm sick as a dog, but that's the not the hot news. The big news is that BELLA AND HER BF HAVE SPLIT UP!!! This is huge. I hadn't heard from her in a week so i finally texted her and she told me that she was now single. Man. We've had brief exchanges by sms and e-mail today, and i will write to her more tomorrow. I'm psyched but really wary of fucking all of this up, so I will be very careful with my actions. First thing tomorrow I'm AIMing Nina to get her advice. So far her advice has been really helpful.

more to come soon :)

Weekend Blow Job

I really feel like getting a nice blow job this weekend. Nothing like cumming inside a girl's mouth kneeling in front of you. I'm horny as hell.

Girls Girls Girls

Still going good, and still very busy! Cut down a tad on the partying because I a bit overdid it last week but I still go out every day and spend hours walking. I've been more productive getting my portfolio going, and the notion that I will get a job that fits me well is seeming more like a definite possibility each day. It's very exciting, as I was feeling completely trapped in the smaller city. I'm still not set on moving to London for good, but I believe it could become a reality, and really be something good for me.

I've been reallllly horny the past few days. More about that lower.

Communication with Bella has been quite scarce. About an e-mail a week. She took 3 days to reply to my first e-mail, so I took 3 days to reply, and now we're on 3 days waiting for a reply. She's still in my heart, and sometimes at night I think of her and wish I could curl up against her and kiss her. I had a dream in which she made the first move and kissed me. I was quite sad when I woke up in the middle of the night, but got back to sleep eventually and had a very fine day after that.

Ashley sent me a semi-drunk facebook message last night in which she was saying how horny she was, and half apologizing for it, and being pretty funny. Haha. I think she digs me ;-) too bad she's in the US now, but Ashley is the type of girl that would be great to have as a gf, and the type of person I wouldn't want things to get weird with if we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together, Anyway she's in the US so it's not even an issue.

Still doing some great MSN sessions with Nina. She's a riot. We talk about sex pretty much everyday, and we've reached a point where we really have no barriers, we talk about everything and in great detail. It makes for pretty fascinating discoveries, and it's awesome to get a girl's perspective on the type of things they do to men to make them feel better about themselves in bed, or some of the things that girls really like and want, etc... Her BF finally made love to her the other night and it was very sweet apparently. She was very happy about that.

Shannon and I have been a bit in the cold. She's mad at me I think and bitches so much on MSN that it's becoming a real turn off. She wants me to devote most of my attention to her, but I'm not her fucking boyfriend!!! I talked to Nina about it and I suggested that the next time I go on one of our drunken night outs with Shannon that always ends up with me driving her home at 6am, I will put a move on her and absolutely go for it. It's a win-win situation. If she stops me than I can blame it on the alcohol and the fact that she's hot the next day, and if she accepts I can shag her rotten, and I really will not stop be shy about it... I'll be a total beast and it'll be hot and heavy! Probably do her doggystyle and grab her tits firmly while humping her. Might even jizz on her ass. At least that's my fantasy :) Frankly, not to be mean, but I don't give a shit if how she reacts after that. SHe's been breaking my balls lately and I've been her little man servant and I'm tired of it. Besides, I think she really needs a good fuck!!!

I absolutely have to fuck during this London trip. There are so many single girls around going for drinks in groups that the opportunities are there everywhere. Just got to find the right occasion, the right plan, etc... It'll happen, I just don't know when or how, but it will happen! My cock has been rock hard for hours at times, something that hasn't happened since my teenage years. I no longer have problems ejaculating, my system has adjusted to the meds for good. I can now fuck freely without the concern of not being able to cum. It's not so much for me (though it does feel great) but I don't like for my partner to feel like I can't get the job done, or that she doesn't feel like she can get the job done. Sarah and Maria worried about that when I was on meds before.

Back to online poker. I'm on a winning streak :) Things are definitely good these days.
xx

ps: By now Clara must've gotten the "First Class Bitch" birthday card :-) Can't tell you how satisfying it feels. I don't expect a reaction from her part, and I'm happy not to get any. For me it's the final chapter of a very painful experience, and I'm glad to about the way I could get closure on it.

Week 1 Recap

I arrived exactly a week ago in London. So far, it's been great. Expensive, but great. Living with David is pretty neat. He's very organized and tidy, which keeps me on my toes and allows me not to turn into a slob. We're in an area of the city that's ideally located, and the street my bro lives in is extremely charming and quiet.

Socially, it's been a blast. Two of my best friends moved to London a couple years ago: Paulo and George. Paulo is Brazilian but looks Indian. He's a super nice guy, and he loves to hit on women, but when he drinks too much he becomes overly affectionate and very touchy. It's very funny to watch how girls seem interested in him at first until he gets into grabbing mode. George is a true player. He has a girlfriend, but he's cheating on her big time. It's quite horrible, but as a friend George is amazing, and he was the one to contact my brother David and Paulo to try to convince me to come to London when I was in my dark phase.

Professionally, week one has been slow, but it's a conscious decision. I didn't want to get overly stressed out with the notion that I HAVE to find something right away. Being in London is already giving me more ideas about what I want to do, and it's allowed me to realize that there is a life outside my hometown, which is another European country that I won't divulge quite yet (but you can always e-mail me if you want to know). I did however set up a casual meet with a Creative Director on Wednesday who went to my College. Rather than ask him to give me a job, I'll try to pick his brain a little on how he got where he is, since we do have a pretty similar background as I found out looking at his Bio.

You know a blog entry wouldn't be a blog entry if I didn't mention girls or love, right? Well the one real positive thing here is that I have not been obsessing over it at all, simply because I'm enjoying being here, and I'm feeling motivated, busy, and the comes naturally. I did get an e-mail from Bella a couple days ago which disappointed me a little. I sent her a long (probably too long) e-mail a couple days before giving her an update on how things were going in London, and I also slipped in there how cool it has been to get to know her, that I feel we're on the same wave length, bla bla bla. It was unnecessary and it wasn't the right time to do it. She did not directly address it, so I believe she chose to ignore getting into that kind of talk, and instead gave me updates on what she was up to, and commented on a few things I told her about London. It was a nice e-mail, but it's the kind of message you get from a friend, not a potential partner... But! I think my reaction since has been very good. I didn't get down about it, instead I got realistic and acknowledged that forcing a connection is not going to bring me anywhere. I really feel something special for Bella, but for the time being we're friends and she has a boyfriend, and there's no reason for me force anything onto her. By now she must know how I feel about her, so if she feels the same (which I still think she does) she will send me the signals. Until then, I can only be patient and go about living, taking care of my life, my professional ambitions, and staying social.

In my next entry I will write about a Casino Charity Poker event I attended Thursday. It was pretty wild but fun. An interesting read hopefully.

Oh, one note of interest. Today is Clara (#8)'s birthday. She's turning 29. I hesitated about acknowledging it or not, and recently I thought "Fuck it" because she has been such a mean person, and even her "nice" messages or communications have been tainted with not so subtle mean remarks, like her last e-mail in which she said "you were right, I am striving for an ideal (which I found btw) and not I'm finally happy". Bitch. Well the other day as I was walking around Sloan Square, I found a birthday card which I had to get. It had a 60s style Blond girl on it with "First Class Bitch" printed on it in this very retro font. I bought it, and got some shiny small star stickers to go with it. I carefully placed 29 (her age) stickers inside the card, with no other word or message. I'm sending it today so she will receive it late, but that doesn't matter. She'll see that it comes from London so she'll know it's from me. It might seem like an immature thing to do but it's SO perfect for her. If she ignores it, than that's great, if she comes back to me angry I'll tell her "don't take things so personally (which she would always tell me after saying something mean to me!!!) and if she continues to bitch I can say "Wow, you must really have self esteem issues to get so worked up about a birthday card. I thought you'd have a laugh with it". That card is soooo her. Contradictive. Bitchy, but sparkly and iconic with the stars. To me, it's a perfect book end to our fucked up relationship.

3 months 'til 30

I've been pretty horny the past couple days. It seems by body has definitely adjusted to the antidepressants. I had a very easy time cumming after masturbating yesterday, which is something I was really struggling with since I've started to be on medication. Aside from being horny, I'm also feeling very cuddly. I miss not having a special someone in my bed to hug and kiss. I try not to think of Bella in those moments because it could end up being quite frustrating, but she's still in my heart and head naturally. The opportunities to meet women in this city are insane. There are so many single girls in my age group, it's insane. Many cute ones too. Last night we were in a bar which was a little too fancy for my own taste, and the first thing that struck me was the number of girls there. ABout 70% of the crowd. You could hear French being spoken, German, Italian, English of course. I love it.

I can see myself being here for a couple years to get my career on the right track and then maybe return to my city or move stateswide. I didn't think I would enjoy it here as much as I am right now. I like the lifestyle, I like seeing people outside, I like having good friends here and some family. I don't like how fast my money is being spent, but I also found out that if you pick the right places to hang out at, or buy your clothes or food at, it actually can stay fairly reasonable. The city I live in is pretty expensive, so it's not that much of a change. Of course, if I do get a good job here, the salary would have to been very decent.

So you see, I am NOT planning my life based around a girl that I love. I'm happy of myself for being quite serene about it now. This could change if Bella and I do that, but I have to keep my priorities straight, and I know Bella is not the type to require that I stay in the same city with her. In fact, until she spends those 6 months in the US next year, it'll probably very unlikely to start anything really serious. When she comes back from the US is another story, but god knows where we'll be at in our lives then. Hopefully I'll be settled professionally, and she already has a law firm committed to employing her upon her return (in exactly a year).

I'll be 30 in 3 months exactly. I'm at a point where I hope that the next real relationship I'll have will be the good one, though it's not something you can really plan. I don't really want to be 35 or 40 and single. I'd like to have kids I can play catch with and not have to stop after 5 minutes because my back hurts (personal experience). So yeah, my wish for my 30s is to start building myself as a working man, as a family man, and as a spiritually sane man. My 20s kinda sucked, but there have been some great moments and stories during that period. I'm just ready for something more meaningful now. That being said I wouldn't mind a good shag in the next couple weeks.

Satisfaction

I'm very happy to be in London. So far it's been great, and there's such an energetic vibe here, it's insane. I walked miles today (tube strike) around town and just had a blast being a flâneur and doing people watching. I have many activities planned, and tomorrow I will sign up at a gym for the month and go for drinks with my mates. I'll also take some time to write, and to brainstorm for a project for a job I might be able to apply for (through some networking and luck). This is a very positive thing. I'm not sitting at home sulking and thinking about Bella, I'm actually taking care of myself and enjoying being active and having hope for the future. It sounds cheesy, but when you think of how down I was just recently, it's an enormous revelation for me. I'm cautious, and I'm still taking baby steps, but I can already feel so much progress.

I did text Bella last night. It had been 3 days+ since we last talked, and I simply wanted to send her a little something and tell her that London was going well. She replied the next morning very early, and mentioned she was having and exam today and that she was looking forward to getting an e-mail from me (which I just wrote). It's pretty random news, but I'm just so happy when I hear from her... I need to share.

Being social here means meeting more girls. I'm wondering, should I flirt or not? I'm not with Bella, I might not be anytime soon or at all, but I feel so strongly for her that I almost feel wrong doing something... but shit, if I have an opportunity to have a little fun I have to take I think. It would be a bit absurd not to.

OK, off to bed. Tired from 2 hours of walking in Hyde park and in the streets.

Fun in London

Not much news lately because I was getting prepared for my move to the Big City aka LONDON :D My last couple weeks in The smaller city went well, but I am thrilled at being here and living with my brother David. I have my own little bedroom which is extremely cozy, and the flat kicks ass, albeit it seems evident that British architects and engineers are visibly drunk when they're designing and putting up housing. The townhouse is completely tilted, but it sort of makes its charm. I love it here, and the street we're on is very quiet but lively with small commerces, a chicha café next door, bakery, and old style barber shop across from the living room window. I love it. We've done quite a bit already over the weekend. I got to see a couple of my mates last night with my brother, and we had a blast drinking pints and talking about random stuff at the pub. Today my brother is at work, and I've started the day by having a proper breakfast, chatting with Nina on msn and playing online poker. At 11am I will officially get up and ready and clean up the kitchen. After that I will do some research online for jobs and possible contacts I can make while here, and I'd like to join a gym for a month and stay in shape (probably in the best shape of my life these days). Right now, I'm a happy man, and I've felt that way for a good 2-3 weeks now.

I'm very encouraged about how I am handling the Bella situation. I'm still madly in love with her, and we had a very nice afternoon drink across from her uni last week, and as usual conversation flowed and time seemed like a flash, signs of attraction, but no concrete plan to do more. I'm more serene now, I'm not in a rush, and right now I think it's great to keep in touch with her, remain close but not break that barrier. Until she has a boyfriend, I don't think it's a good idea to make a move anyway. I'm calmer about it now. I feel that if there's really such a good connection between us, than we're bound to be together at some point down the line. Furthermore, I'm single and she clearly doesn't have any long term plans with her BF, so why rush things? Of course I would love it if we could flirt and kiss and start something, but the romancing stage is actually really nice too, and I think she likes that as well.

Nina and I had lunch last week, and we've talked a lot online. She's having some pretty big issues with her BF who will NOT have sex with her. It's starting to really affect her well-being, and she's starting to be out of solutions. They're seeing a sex therapist together, and she will start seeing a shrink in a couple weeks, but she's unhappy at work, in her non-existent sex life, and is generally just bored with her life. SHe loves her BF, she doesn't want to leave him, but things can't stay the way they are. She's tempted to go seek sex with her ex, something she has done once already and regretted, but which made her feel so good afterwards too. I've urged her not to do it again, and she knows she shouldn't, but I sense that she might. I really feel sad for her, she's such a great girl and she doesn't deserve to be unhappy and not feel desired. What a waste, she's one of the most sexually open minded girls that I know, and she has to fall for a guy who has some sort of phobia of sex (apparently his ex humiliated him or something). I wonder if I'll ever shag Nina. We've talked about sex so many times, she knows everything about my sex life, even the most embarrassing stuff, and I know everything about her too... so it would almost make sense to end up together, at least for one night... but it would run the risk of ruining the nice complicity going now. I love Nina, but I don't know if I could be in LOVE with her.

Looks like sex is London is much more likely than in the other City. Will keep you posted if anything happens ;) I've been checked out already by a couple chavs (yuk) a gay guys (double yuk).