Nina and #8 Clara (part 2)

If I had to marry somebody, it would be Nina.

Nina

Nina and I met at work in 2004. At first, I wasn't particularly drawn to her, but as she often passed in front of my desk to see our big boss, we'd often smile at each other, and finally one day I struck up a conversation with her. I remember it quite vividly, it was right at the beginning of 2005. We were talking about our mutual x-mas holiday breaks, and both of us had had major fights with our Exes of 4 years. Things just clicked between her and I, and through Instant messaging at work, we opened up a lot to each other, revealing many secrets and personal things. We began to take breaks together, and at one point I thought something was happening between the two of us, and I was hoping that we would date.

As she opened up to me, I began feeling more and more attracted to her. Blond hair, amazing green-blue eyes, a pretty face with very cute fossetts on her cheeks, a nice smile. She was and still is a bit overweight. She doesn't have what today's standards would call an amazing body, but I was very turned on by it nonetheless. Her breasts are huge! Almost too big. She has very pretty legs. But most of all, she has that special spark.

Finally, the subject of sex came one day on IM, and we now talk about it all the time. But both know that we love it, and we both are very open sexually and in our discussions. I'd love to have sex with her, but I also could easily fall in love with her. She has everything that I like in a person: She is very caring, loving, has a great sense of humor, she listens, she more than anyone understands what I am going through (even though she doesn't suffer from depression, she has had her own psychological troubles). She is a very family orientated person, she has good values but she also knows how to party and have fun. She has a very high emotional IQ. She has blond moments but doesn't take herself too seriously, which makes her soooo charming. She keeps telling me how she can be a total bitch to her bf and sulk for hours but I'm sure that she's a sweetheart with him.

I respected Nina tremendously and owe her a lot for being the person who has helped me the most when I was down. She gives me a lot of hope that maybe some day I will meet someone that I will fall in love with, and that will be good for me (unlike Clara). I could fall in love with Nina, and I did have a crush on her for a long time, but for now I just feel lucky knowing her and am thrilled to be friends with her.

She seems pretty serious with her couple, but like in every couple, some issues do exist. The biggest issue in hers is related to sex. They're not at all on the same wave length in the department, as he much more reclusive and doesn't get turned on easily. It's sad, and I know she suffers from it a lot. In some ways, I would cherish the opportunity to go out with her if things didn't work out with her bf, but I don't even know if she would be willing to start something with me, if she is attracted to me. We're closer now than we were when we were both single, so maybe this time things would be different, but I doubt it will happen and it's nothing something I'm waiting to happen. That being said, I bet that sex would get along great in bed.

She's very open sexually. She told me that she likes giving head, anal sex, having her man cum on her tits, etc. She has toys, and she likes to try new things. She said something that really caught my attention and that I agreed with. She said that 80% of the time she likes sex to be a very loving act, tender but hot. But 20% of the time she likes things to be very wild. Something with Clara that scared me a lot was her relationship with sex, but also what turned me about her. Clara watched a lot of porn, all kinds of porn. She wanted to try a 3some with a girl, she liked to use toys, but what scared me a lot is that she liked to be dominated during sex. She wanted me to smack her butt really hard, and pull her hair. I know that in her childhood her mother was a bit abusive, and I'm sure it has an impact on sex life today, but it's something I was never completely comfortable with. While I enjoy some of the domination/submissive games, I'm not one for extremes, and I think Clara wanted a man that could dominate her more convincingly than I could. She told me that I wasn't pervert enough during sex, which really surprised me. The fact that I wasn't a good enough lover for completely shattered my self esteem in bed. To me, she tried to much to have sex like a pornstar, which can be fun at times but which isn't real sex. Some of the things she did were replicas of Jenna Jameson's tricks, who happened to be Clara's favorite Porn actress.

Yet I loved having sex with her, I was extremely turned on by devil /angel duality in sex, but affected by it as well. After sex Clara was often very cute and cuddly and seemed extremely happy. Yet from what I got after she left me, and even during some IM conversations we had while we were seeing each other, is that she wasn't completely happy with my performances. What a bitch. I'm sure you're wondering why on earth I fell for her. I hate that I fell for her. She's the only person that I really wished I had never met, because I hate how I reacted around her, and after the breakup. I felt and still feel like a failure, yet I know deep in my mind that she is the stupid one, she is the fucked up one, she is the sad person. Love is blind, can drive you crazy, can fuck with your mind. It certainly did with Clara.

But maybe everything does indeed happen for a reason. Nina was the only person who was able to make me feel better about Clara. I can't really say how she did it, but she said the exact things that I needed to hear. I'm having trouble explaining how she did it, but she simply did. And even if I still haven't recovered from the Clara fuck up, Nina enabled me to get back to reality and remind me that: A girl like Nina is what I need. A girl that releases my good sides. I love how I am around Nina, I am completely myself and feel no anxiety or second guess what I say. With Clara, I kept second guessing every single thing that came out of my mouth, and a lot of the things that I would say, I would end up regretting, or would come out differently than I wanted them to come.

Ok, Fuck you Clara. I'm done with you in this blog. In a fucked up way I still hope we can be friends, but in reality I just really want to succeed and be happy in life and come back in a few years and show you how I was so much better off without you, and without that fucking job that I hated, and that you gave me so much shit for quitting. Fucking bitch. I want revenge and I hope that you'll pay for your the way you treated me.

That felt better. Now let's move on. I don't want to think about her anymore. Let's move forward!