My life today

Because of the nature of this blog and its sexual content, I'm trying to keep some level of anonymity. Nevertheless, I don't want this blog to be a simple account of my sex life, past & future (I have no sex life in the present). I'm hoping this can be a journal for me, and a good read for some of you people out there.

Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.

I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.

At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.

The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.