I dread writing the entry about #8 , Clara, because:
a) it still hurts
b) what next?
What next? What next? What next?
1. Get better
2. Move
3. Find a job
4. Live
5. Fall in love
1. Requires a positive attitude, patience, faith in medication, help, determination, love.
2. I'm sick of The City. It's home and I will always have a deep connection to this place, but I need a change - badly. It's in the works, it's the one thing that gives me some sort of hope because I plan on moving to a bigger city with better opportunities. I have friends and family in The Big City, which is reassuring.
3. I could look for a job now but I'm not in a very good state. It's hard to explain depression to someone who's never lived it. There's a big difference between feeling depressed, and going through depression. Depression is a disease, and its cure isn't the same for every body. What works for some won't work for others. Right now I'm trying to find the right combination for myself, and I am getting better, but until I absolutely rid myself of depression will I be able to seriously start looking for a job and conceive a professional future for myself. I've relapsed four times in the past by speeding the process, and therefore never quite curing my state. I hope that by dealing with it now it will refrain me from snapping at 35 or 40, with possibly a wife and kids. At least right now I'm only harming myself.
4. "I'm not living, I'm killing time" to quote Thom Yorke. I live fragments of life, but every time I go out and try the live, I end up hurting even more the next morning. It's hard to explain. I'm slowly reacquainting myself with the things that once made me happy, such as writing, seeing friends, watching movies... but I'm still struggling to enjoy those things. I want to enjoy life, and I want to follow my bliss, but I'm just not sure where that bliss lies right now.
5. I can't skip 1,2,3 and 4 and go straight to 5, it would give me a false sense of security and satisfaction. I long for someone's touch, for someone's love, for someone's presence, but I have to be able to do things for myself before I start doing things for others. Once I'm able to feel good about my own life, will I be able to bring somebody else into it. That being said I could use some company right now. I really long a woman's touch, especially when she lies to me next in bed, and caresses my back spontaneously in a very tender and soft manner. I think I love nothing more in the world than that. Clara did it one night, and I mistakenly fell in love that very moment.
ps: chatted a bit with potential #9 today, but I just feel too weird about seeing her and I think she's having second thoughts as well. I think I can live without experiencing rebound sex, I doubt it will make me feel much better anyway.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
#7 Tatiana
A pretty long break happened between #6 and #7. About 5 months. During that time I didn't pursue any sort of action. I was jobless and not in a very good state of mind. At the end of the year I would meet Tatiana, a cabaret beauty from Russia.
#7 Tatiana
Many of my friends have solved the lack of sex in their lives by opting to "pay" for sex. It's something that never really appealed to me. It just doesn't feel right to have intercourse with someone who doesn't have sex with you for what's in your pants (or heart) but for what's in your wallet instead.
So Tatiana is a lady of the night, or as she would probably call herself, a cabaret artist. One night, after a frustrating loss in an online p0ker tournament, my desperate friend Max insisted we get a drink at a pretty ritzy cabaret in town. I needed a drink, and figured watching topless girls (for the most part gorgeous and from eastern europe) perform their art would be fairly harmless and enjoyable. Fast forward a couple hours later and here I am, melting for Tatiana whose smile, siberian eyes and sense of humor completely captured me, to the point where I went over my evening budget to share a bottle of champagne with my friend and our two charming escorts.
Nothing happened that night aside from some drunken dancing on the cabaret dancefloor, and my first ever performance using a pole, which I have to say very much enjoyed and excelled at. Quite honestly, it was one of the funnest nights I've ever had. Max and I were the only customers, and Tatiana and Max's girl were a lot of fun, and genuinely seemed to enjoy our company, especially on the dance floor which was very much similar to the one in Saturday Night Fever. That evening cost me way too much, but the fun and I was priceless (ironically I paid with a mastercard).
I would see Tatiana again a few weeks later at the cabaret, and a couple more times outside of her "work" for dinner at my place and in a russian restaurant (absolutely foul I might add). I felt silly for falling in the category of guys who fall for strippers, but I truly enjoyed every second with her and I can't escape the fact that she is a very nice girl with a great sense of humor and amazing charm. I was extremely attracted to her, she made me laugh, and we got along great. We'd talk about everything and nothing, and at no point did I feel used by her, although of course the two evenings at the cabaret did hurt my bank account, and the dinner and drinks out weren't free, but she could see I wasn't a rich man, and she didn't ask for money or gifts at any point. I think she truly liked spending time with me, and appreciated that I didn't just want to fuck her.
One morning, my phone rang at 6am. It was Tatiana, and I could barely understand her words (her work involved massive amounts of champagne drinking each night, highly unhealthy). After a couple minutes I figured out that she wanted to see me. In 15 minutes, I was showered, dressed, and at her door. She had fallen asleep, quite drunk, and surprised to see me, but happy that I had showed up.
That morning would be the only time that we would have sex. It was quite good. For one, she gave amazing head (like a professional one might say). Upon pulling my boxers off she exclaimed with her broken english and sexy russian accent: "I finally get to see you... oh my you're big!" which is absolutely hilarious because I am not big at all, below average for sure. Her sense of humor was very sarcastic, so maybe she was being sarcastic at that point but regardless I didn't care, and thought it was kind of funny.
I was a bit nervous. It was early in the morning, and felt out of synch with her state for this was the end of the day for her and she was drunk, and the start of the day for me and I was sober. I lacked that euphoric feel that alcohol brings, which certainly would've helped feel more at ease. I don't think I performed too well. I was rusty, but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. At first she got on top of me, but something felt weird. She made strange hip movements which were probably aimed at increasing sensation, but which really felt odd and out of place. I asked if she could turn around, and she said "doggystyle? yes sure!" Doggystyle was fine, but she spread her legs so much that her low position made it difficult for me to fuck her correctly, and pulled my cock south (my cock points to the sky when erect, and it tends to hurt a bit when I have to penetrate at an angle below 90 degrees).
After not being able to cum doggystyle, I pulled out and took my condom off as my cock was becoming soft again. I was out of practice, the medication I was taking was affecting my ability to get hard (more about this problem in future posts) and the circumstances were just a little too weird for me. We cuddled instead, which was quite nice and tender. After about ten minutes of cuddling, Tatiana reached for my cock and began to stroke it. As it got rock hard again she got on top of me, and I got into a sitting position, with Tatiana's body wrapping mine. We fucked that way for a while, and finally I felt myself reaching the big 'O'. I came in her, completely indifferent to the fact that I wasn't using a condom, that Tatiana was a lady of the night, and the risks that involved (disease? baby? both??) I stayed at her place that night. She warned me of which was "her" side of the bed, and when I went to "my" side, lying on my back, she leaned close to me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her leg against my body. She said goodnight, and fell asleep. I remember feeling very happy. This was a very tender moment, one that I hadn't felt since Maria (#4).
I saw Tatiana again a couple weeks later. We had coffee, talked, then hugged and said goodbye to each other as she had to head back home for 3 months, until she was allowed to get a visa to work in the country I live in again. We stayed in touch through e-mail and text messages, and upon her return here she called me. She works in a different city, 5 hours from here. It's probably a good thing. I felt something special for her. Not love, but a crush nonethless, and not having her close probably saves me from returning to a cabaret and maxing out my credit card.
On the night Tatiana left, I met Clara (#8). In a way, I wish I hadn't met Clara, as I am still hurting today by the way our relationship ended, and the way it didn't continue. I won't be completely healed until I can prove to myself that I can still be appreciated as a person and as a lover by a woman I desire. I'm waiting for that day, yet I don't know if I'm ready for it.
I should mention that I only had sex with Clara using a condom, and that 3 months after my night with Tatiana, I got tested for STDs and HIV. The results were negative, and Tatiana is not pregnant. Phew!
#7 Tatiana
Many of my friends have solved the lack of sex in their lives by opting to "pay" for sex. It's something that never really appealed to me. It just doesn't feel right to have intercourse with someone who doesn't have sex with you for what's in your pants (or heart) but for what's in your wallet instead.
So Tatiana is a lady of the night, or as she would probably call herself, a cabaret artist. One night, after a frustrating loss in an online p0ker tournament, my desperate friend Max insisted we get a drink at a pretty ritzy cabaret in town. I needed a drink, and figured watching topless girls (for the most part gorgeous and from eastern europe) perform their art would be fairly harmless and enjoyable. Fast forward a couple hours later and here I am, melting for Tatiana whose smile, siberian eyes and sense of humor completely captured me, to the point where I went over my evening budget to share a bottle of champagne with my friend and our two charming escorts.
Nothing happened that night aside from some drunken dancing on the cabaret dancefloor, and my first ever performance using a pole, which I have to say very much enjoyed and excelled at. Quite honestly, it was one of the funnest nights I've ever had. Max and I were the only customers, and Tatiana and Max's girl were a lot of fun, and genuinely seemed to enjoy our company, especially on the dance floor which was very much similar to the one in Saturday Night Fever. That evening cost me way too much, but the fun and I was priceless (ironically I paid with a mastercard).
I would see Tatiana again a few weeks later at the cabaret, and a couple more times outside of her "work" for dinner at my place and in a russian restaurant (absolutely foul I might add). I felt silly for falling in the category of guys who fall for strippers, but I truly enjoyed every second with her and I can't escape the fact that she is a very nice girl with a great sense of humor and amazing charm. I was extremely attracted to her, she made me laugh, and we got along great. We'd talk about everything and nothing, and at no point did I feel used by her, although of course the two evenings at the cabaret did hurt my bank account, and the dinner and drinks out weren't free, but she could see I wasn't a rich man, and she didn't ask for money or gifts at any point. I think she truly liked spending time with me, and appreciated that I didn't just want to fuck her.
One morning, my phone rang at 6am. It was Tatiana, and I could barely understand her words (her work involved massive amounts of champagne drinking each night, highly unhealthy). After a couple minutes I figured out that she wanted to see me. In 15 minutes, I was showered, dressed, and at her door. She had fallen asleep, quite drunk, and surprised to see me, but happy that I had showed up.
That morning would be the only time that we would have sex. It was quite good. For one, she gave amazing head (like a professional one might say). Upon pulling my boxers off she exclaimed with her broken english and sexy russian accent: "I finally get to see you... oh my you're big!" which is absolutely hilarious because I am not big at all, below average for sure. Her sense of humor was very sarcastic, so maybe she was being sarcastic at that point but regardless I didn't care, and thought it was kind of funny.
I was a bit nervous. It was early in the morning, and felt out of synch with her state for this was the end of the day for her and she was drunk, and the start of the day for me and I was sober. I lacked that euphoric feel that alcohol brings, which certainly would've helped feel more at ease. I don't think I performed too well. I was rusty, but the sex was enjoyable nonetheless. At first she got on top of me, but something felt weird. She made strange hip movements which were probably aimed at increasing sensation, but which really felt odd and out of place. I asked if she could turn around, and she said "doggystyle? yes sure!" Doggystyle was fine, but she spread her legs so much that her low position made it difficult for me to fuck her correctly, and pulled my cock south (my cock points to the sky when erect, and it tends to hurt a bit when I have to penetrate at an angle below 90 degrees).
After not being able to cum doggystyle, I pulled out and took my condom off as my cock was becoming soft again. I was out of practice, the medication I was taking was affecting my ability to get hard (more about this problem in future posts) and the circumstances were just a little too weird for me. We cuddled instead, which was quite nice and tender. After about ten minutes of cuddling, Tatiana reached for my cock and began to stroke it. As it got rock hard again she got on top of me, and I got into a sitting position, with Tatiana's body wrapping mine. We fucked that way for a while, and finally I felt myself reaching the big 'O'. I came in her, completely indifferent to the fact that I wasn't using a condom, that Tatiana was a lady of the night, and the risks that involved (disease? baby? both??) I stayed at her place that night. She warned me of which was "her" side of the bed, and when I went to "my" side, lying on my back, she leaned close to me and put her head on my chest and wrapped her leg against my body. She said goodnight, and fell asleep. I remember feeling very happy. This was a very tender moment, one that I hadn't felt since Maria (#4).
I saw Tatiana again a couple weeks later. We had coffee, talked, then hugged and said goodbye to each other as she had to head back home for 3 months, until she was allowed to get a visa to work in the country I live in again. We stayed in touch through e-mail and text messages, and upon her return here she called me. She works in a different city, 5 hours from here. It's probably a good thing. I felt something special for her. Not love, but a crush nonethless, and not having her close probably saves me from returning to a cabaret and maxing out my credit card.
On the night Tatiana left, I met Clara (#8). In a way, I wish I hadn't met Clara, as I am still hurting today by the way our relationship ended, and the way it didn't continue. I won't be completely healed until I can prove to myself that I can still be appreciated as a person and as a lover by a woman I desire. I'm waiting for that day, yet I don't know if I'm ready for it.
I should mention that I only had sex with Clara using a condom, and that 3 months after my night with Tatiana, I got tested for STDs and HIV. The results were negative, and Tatiana is not pregnant. Phew!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
#6 Sonja
Right after my fling with Lynn, I would experience another short lived affair, with another ex co-worker. I say ex, because she left work earlier that year, but we remained in contact after her departure.
#6 Sonja
Sonja confided in me a lot. She was about 6ft tall, with very long legs. Her hair was long and black, and she had the most amazing clear blue eyes. Sonja was a former stewardess, and spoke several languages. Sonja, however, was married. Her husband was a pilot, and therefore rarely home. As a result, Sonja felt very lonely and depressed (depression being a topic we often discussed as we were both victim of it). When her husband was home, she felt he wasn't attentive to her and to her needs. I never would've considered approaching Sonja because of her married status, but my best friend at work had revealed to me that he had had an affair with Sonja while at work. This did not surprise me one bit, as they often lunched together, and Sonja was quite flirty with him during after work drinks. My friend simply made a move before I thought about it. We often joked about who would get to sleep with her first, but in reality I think none of us dreamed it would really happen. In fact, I believe it is really Sonja who made the move on my friend, and not the other way around.
Eventually, my friend stopped the affair, probably feeling too guilty about the whole ordeal. Shortly after, Sonja began calling me more often, and we went on a couple dinner dates together, but I still refrained for doing more. It just didn't feel right, and it was a territory I had not yet entered (getting involved in cheating - being a married woman's lover).
One morning I woke up and the image of Sonja on top of me jumped into my mind. I must've been dreaming that night about fucking her because I could not think of anything else that morning. I masturbated to her that morning, and it felt great. On my way to my shrink's later that day, I texted her, asking is she wanted to come to my place that evening for drinks. She instantly replied positively. Later that night, I finally made my move.
It was on my living room couch. We kissed for a while, and felt each other's bodies with our hands. I didn't feel much of a spark, but I was very turned on by the realization that I had woken up thinking of her in the morning, and that my spontaneous decision to contact her actually resulted in the outcome that I had fantasized about for a long time, and more than ever at the start of the day.
After unzipping my pants and pulling my pants off, Sonja removed by boxers and proceed to give me great head. She didn't seem hesitant at all. Everything was very methodic, as if she was used to doing this quite a lot (which maybe she did?). She kneeled on the rug, and used both her hands to massage my raised cock while facing me. She sucked enthusiastically and with a lot of technique. You could tell she had done this quite a bit, and had developed a routine. I suggested we move to the bed as she looked quite uncomfortable on my floor, and the contact of my leather couch against my naked body didn't do much for me.
I don't remember much of what followed except that it was pretty nice. I never did feel that spark with Sonja that night, but we had good sex nonetheless, and would have good sex again twice in the span of a month. Her lips were very wet, and her body somewhat cold, even though I have to say she was a good lover, and quite open sexually, even though she often admitted to me that she disliked her body a lot.
The last time we made love was the nicest. I say love because it was much more tender, more intimate in a way than our previous two sessions. I remember being on top of her, with my chest against her, and her legs wrapped against my thighs, her hands on my butt. I remember putting my forearm and elbow flat on the bed, cupping her shoulders with my hands while motioning my hips against hers. It felt amazing, but a little too intimate. I remember thinking that the way we were fucking that afternoon resembled more the act of a couple in love having sex for the first time, than that of a married woman having an affair with her co-worker.
Sonja was glowing after I came. I was absolutely exhausted after cumming (quite loudly I recall), and could barely keep my eyes open after that. She stayed a long time on my bed, naked, looking at me, smiling, and playing with my chest hair with her hand.
A month later I found out that she was pregnant. I was terrified at the thought that it might be from me, even though we had used a condom. Weeks later I spoke to her and she reassured me that her husband was for sure the father, but as I would later find out, when we had sex that afternoon, she was already a couple weeks pregnant. :-S
Needless to say, that stopped me from seeing her again, at least for sex. We did see each other a couple times after, and had dinner together like we did back when we were just friends. I felt very guilty about my part in this situation, but today Sonja has a lovely baby girl, and to my knowledge her marriage is going better.
#6 Sonja
Sonja confided in me a lot. She was about 6ft tall, with very long legs. Her hair was long and black, and she had the most amazing clear blue eyes. Sonja was a former stewardess, and spoke several languages. Sonja, however, was married. Her husband was a pilot, and therefore rarely home. As a result, Sonja felt very lonely and depressed (depression being a topic we often discussed as we were both victim of it). When her husband was home, she felt he wasn't attentive to her and to her needs. I never would've considered approaching Sonja because of her married status, but my best friend at work had revealed to me that he had had an affair with Sonja while at work. This did not surprise me one bit, as they often lunched together, and Sonja was quite flirty with him during after work drinks. My friend simply made a move before I thought about it. We often joked about who would get to sleep with her first, but in reality I think none of us dreamed it would really happen. In fact, I believe it is really Sonja who made the move on my friend, and not the other way around.
Eventually, my friend stopped the affair, probably feeling too guilty about the whole ordeal. Shortly after, Sonja began calling me more often, and we went on a couple dinner dates together, but I still refrained for doing more. It just didn't feel right, and it was a territory I had not yet entered (getting involved in cheating - being a married woman's lover).
One morning I woke up and the image of Sonja on top of me jumped into my mind. I must've been dreaming that night about fucking her because I could not think of anything else that morning. I masturbated to her that morning, and it felt great. On my way to my shrink's later that day, I texted her, asking is she wanted to come to my place that evening for drinks. She instantly replied positively. Later that night, I finally made my move.
It was on my living room couch. We kissed for a while, and felt each other's bodies with our hands. I didn't feel much of a spark, but I was very turned on by the realization that I had woken up thinking of her in the morning, and that my spontaneous decision to contact her actually resulted in the outcome that I had fantasized about for a long time, and more than ever at the start of the day.
After unzipping my pants and pulling my pants off, Sonja removed by boxers and proceed to give me great head. She didn't seem hesitant at all. Everything was very methodic, as if she was used to doing this quite a lot (which maybe she did?). She kneeled on the rug, and used both her hands to massage my raised cock while facing me. She sucked enthusiastically and with a lot of technique. You could tell she had done this quite a bit, and had developed a routine. I suggested we move to the bed as she looked quite uncomfortable on my floor, and the contact of my leather couch against my naked body didn't do much for me.
I don't remember much of what followed except that it was pretty nice. I never did feel that spark with Sonja that night, but we had good sex nonetheless, and would have good sex again twice in the span of a month. Her lips were very wet, and her body somewhat cold, even though I have to say she was a good lover, and quite open sexually, even though she often admitted to me that she disliked her body a lot.
The last time we made love was the nicest. I say love because it was much more tender, more intimate in a way than our previous two sessions. I remember being on top of her, with my chest against her, and her legs wrapped against my thighs, her hands on my butt. I remember putting my forearm and elbow flat on the bed, cupping her shoulders with my hands while motioning my hips against hers. It felt amazing, but a little too intimate. I remember thinking that the way we were fucking that afternoon resembled more the act of a couple in love having sex for the first time, than that of a married woman having an affair with her co-worker.
Sonja was glowing after I came. I was absolutely exhausted after cumming (quite loudly I recall), and could barely keep my eyes open after that. She stayed a long time on my bed, naked, looking at me, smiling, and playing with my chest hair with her hand.
A month later I found out that she was pregnant. I was terrified at the thought that it might be from me, even though we had used a condom. Weeks later I spoke to her and she reassured me that her husband was for sure the father, but as I would later find out, when we had sex that afternoon, she was already a couple weeks pregnant. :-S
Needless to say, that stopped me from seeing her again, at least for sex. We did see each other a couple times after, and had dinner together like we did back when we were just friends. I felt very guilty about my part in this situation, but today Sonja has a lovely baby girl, and to my knowledge her marriage is going better.
#5 Lynn
I'm writing a sex blog, but I have to admit that I am quite repulsed at the state of sexuality in the 21st century. With easy access to pornography on the internet and cell phones, it seems like pornography is everywhere, and contains no boundaries. More and more people are trying to have sex like pornstars, rather than simply finding the right elements that make the act of having sex so unique and enjoyable. This might seem ironic as I write candidly about my fantasies and experiences, focusing on the imagery and graphic nature of the act rather than in the overall emotional experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love sex, I watch porn and get turned on by it, but I also feel a sense of disgust at how messed up sex can become and how one-dimensional sex is portrayed out there in the world today.
Ok enough preaching, here's a different episode in my life.
#5 Lynn
I love categorizing things, ranking things. It comes from my love for logic, calculus and sports. I believe it not to always be a true reflection of one's true ability (someone with an IQ of 135 isn't necessarily smarter than someone with an IQ of 115 for instance), but it makes me feel more organized, and more in control of my life and persona. The reason I'm saying this, is because the sex I had with Lynn ranks as the worst sex that I've had.
Lynn was a 40yr old co-worker, 12 years my senior. She was a rather attractive woman, but not really my type. Short blond hair, cold blue eyes, big teeth, tiny breasts with huge nipples, and a strong athletic body. Very nice ass I might add. Irritating laugh and facial expressions during the act that had me looking away. Lynn was in a bad marriage for
12 years with a man who didn't know how to satisfy her sexually, and who didn't care for sex at all... thinking that sex was a dirty act. As a result, Lynn was very thirsty for new and exciting experiences. I would be only her 2nd or 3rd partner since her breakup. I'll spare you the details of how we got to sleep with each other, only to say that during our first night together I struggled greatly as:
1) her pussy was waaaaay too loose for my modestly thick penis
2) she was way too aggressive in her movements, squeezing my arms and legs with her limbs with the force of Lucy Lawless, causing major neck pain and skin burns.
Lynn was aggressive in everything she did. I remember being shocked by how fiercely she chopped onions and scrubbed her dishes.
The sex lacked any sensuality, and was clearly painful than enjoyable. I dealt with this by outdueling her wresting moves, pushing her away from me, grabbing her thighs and taking control. Unable to come facing her, I turned her body around and proceeded to fuck her from behind. Her ass was definitely a better feature than her breasts and face. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but it's the sad truth. Her back was pretty nice as well, quite muscular as you can imagine.
Doggystyle was slightly better, but I could still feel only little sensation while penetrating her. None of that nice pussy squeezing feeling around my shaft. It almost felt as though I was fucking an empty tennis ball tube.
We had sex about 4-5 times over a period of two weeks. Finally, the excitement of sleeping with a co-worker, and the relief of getting back into action after 4 years of exclusivity to Maria wared off. I put an end to the relationship. Lynn didn't take to it well, and even suggested we become fuck buddies. At that time I was growing uncomfortable at work as I could feel some people noticing signs that Lynn and I were screwing around (thanks to her increasing visits to my office, and unsubtle blinks of the eye). I refused her offer and tried my best to be civil to her and not act as an ass hole who had simply used her for a lay or two. None of that find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em crap.
a couple weeks later, on a Friday night, I got drunk, and as I was headed home (by foot of course) Lynn called to say "I'm in your area and thought I'd say hi" to which I replied "oh hi! well I'll be home in 5 minutes. Why don't you come by?". This would be our last fuck but also the best I had with her. It was the best because I wasn't thinking, I was just following my instincts which consisted in grabbing her at the entrance of my flat, taking all her clothes off, carrying her against my wall mirror, and feeling her with my hands and mouth right there in the dark. I then proceeded to carry her to my room, throw her on the bed, and reach for a comdom. At which point she turned around and got on her knees in doggystyle position. I fucked her intensely that way for a few minutes, after which she whispered in my ear "fuck me in the ass". I happily did, as you well know by now that my cock and her pussy don't mix and match too well. The anal sex we had after that felt much better, and triggered some loud moans and grunts from her part. I came in less than 30 minutes, which was a first with her.
She left my flat at 5am to change home before picking up her kids at their granparents' house. I was very happy to wake up alone, and satisfied that our last fuck turned out to be our best.
What followed wasn't very glorious. She began stalking me at work, following me in the parking lot, and calling me in the middle of the night begging me to give her another chance. Eventually I had to urge her to stop contacting me in any shape or form. A month later I had what would be my 4th breakdown due to depression, which later triggered the end of my work. A place I loved, but a job I didn't particularly enjoy. Lynn tried to contact me again, but I put an end to it by sending her a mean -but just- e-mail, in which I underlined that her actions were making me uneasy and were a threat to my well being. Thankfully, she respected my request and I haven't heard from her since.
A few posts ago, I wrote about the "follow me and i will avoid you / avoid me and i will follow you" syndrome. Most of the time I'm in the follower's position (though never in the psycho harassing Lynn way) but in this case, I was definitely turned out to be the avoider.
Ok enough preaching, here's a different episode in my life.
#5 Lynn
I love categorizing things, ranking things. It comes from my love for logic, calculus and sports. I believe it not to always be a true reflection of one's true ability (someone with an IQ of 135 isn't necessarily smarter than someone with an IQ of 115 for instance), but it makes me feel more organized, and more in control of my life and persona. The reason I'm saying this, is because the sex I had with Lynn ranks as the worst sex that I've had.
Lynn was a 40yr old co-worker, 12 years my senior. She was a rather attractive woman, but not really my type. Short blond hair, cold blue eyes, big teeth, tiny breasts with huge nipples, and a strong athletic body. Very nice ass I might add. Irritating laugh and facial expressions during the act that had me looking away. Lynn was in a bad marriage for
12 years with a man who didn't know how to satisfy her sexually, and who didn't care for sex at all... thinking that sex was a dirty act. As a result, Lynn was very thirsty for new and exciting experiences. I would be only her 2nd or 3rd partner since her breakup. I'll spare you the details of how we got to sleep with each other, only to say that during our first night together I struggled greatly as:
1) her pussy was waaaaay too loose for my modestly thick penis
2) she was way too aggressive in her movements, squeezing my arms and legs with her limbs with the force of Lucy Lawless, causing major neck pain and skin burns.
Lynn was aggressive in everything she did. I remember being shocked by how fiercely she chopped onions and scrubbed her dishes.
The sex lacked any sensuality, and was clearly painful than enjoyable. I dealt with this by outdueling her wresting moves, pushing her away from me, grabbing her thighs and taking control. Unable to come facing her, I turned her body around and proceeded to fuck her from behind. Her ass was definitely a better feature than her breasts and face. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but it's the sad truth. Her back was pretty nice as well, quite muscular as you can imagine.
Doggystyle was slightly better, but I could still feel only little sensation while penetrating her. None of that nice pussy squeezing feeling around my shaft. It almost felt as though I was fucking an empty tennis ball tube.
We had sex about 4-5 times over a period of two weeks. Finally, the excitement of sleeping with a co-worker, and the relief of getting back into action after 4 years of exclusivity to Maria wared off. I put an end to the relationship. Lynn didn't take to it well, and even suggested we become fuck buddies. At that time I was growing uncomfortable at work as I could feel some people noticing signs that Lynn and I were screwing around (thanks to her increasing visits to my office, and unsubtle blinks of the eye). I refused her offer and tried my best to be civil to her and not act as an ass hole who had simply used her for a lay or two. None of that find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em crap.
a couple weeks later, on a Friday night, I got drunk, and as I was headed home (by foot of course) Lynn called to say "I'm in your area and thought I'd say hi" to which I replied "oh hi! well I'll be home in 5 minutes. Why don't you come by?". This would be our last fuck but also the best I had with her. It was the best because I wasn't thinking, I was just following my instincts which consisted in grabbing her at the entrance of my flat, taking all her clothes off, carrying her against my wall mirror, and feeling her with my hands and mouth right there in the dark. I then proceeded to carry her to my room, throw her on the bed, and reach for a comdom. At which point she turned around and got on her knees in doggystyle position. I fucked her intensely that way for a few minutes, after which she whispered in my ear "fuck me in the ass". I happily did, as you well know by now that my cock and her pussy don't mix and match too well. The anal sex we had after that felt much better, and triggered some loud moans and grunts from her part. I came in less than 30 minutes, which was a first with her.
She left my flat at 5am to change home before picking up her kids at their granparents' house. I was very happy to wake up alone, and satisfied that our last fuck turned out to be our best.
What followed wasn't very glorious. She began stalking me at work, following me in the parking lot, and calling me in the middle of the night begging me to give her another chance. Eventually I had to urge her to stop contacting me in any shape or form. A month later I had what would be my 4th breakdown due to depression, which later triggered the end of my work. A place I loved, but a job I didn't particularly enjoy. Lynn tried to contact me again, but I put an end to it by sending her a mean -but just- e-mail, in which I underlined that her actions were making me uneasy and were a threat to my well being. Thankfully, she respected my request and I haven't heard from her since.
A few posts ago, I wrote about the "follow me and i will avoid you / avoid me and i will follow you" syndrome. Most of the time I'm in the follower's position (though never in the psycho harassing Lynn way) but in this case, I was definitely turned out to be the avoider.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
#4 Maria
I once had a blog 3 years ago that started after my relationship with Maria started to turn sour, mainly sexually speaking. I took down the blog 2 years ago, after Maria and I broke up, and I no longer felt the need or the desire to keep writing.
#4 Maria
Maria is the one true love that I had. We met when I was 23, and she was 18. Maria was (and still is) gorgeous. Spanish roots, long and thick brown hair, small hazel eyes, amazing luscious lips, great smile, tiny waist, curvy hips, 5'3, clear and soft skin. Maria was also a brain, currently in her last year of med school. We stayed together 4 years, during 1.5 years of those years I was finishing college, but still saw each other during summer and winter breaks during that period.
Our relationship can pretty much be summed up into 2 parts. The first 2 years, and the last 2. The first two years were magical. We were in love, we were thinking of building a future together, and everything was going great.
The sex with Maria was great in our first year. She was more open than Sarah in quite a few domains. She gave better blow jobs, and quite open. Sex got increasingly better at first, as we got to discover each other's bodies, and get familiar with what turned each other on and so forth. I got to experience my first doggystyle experience with her, which quickly became one of our standard positions. I also got to perfect my oral skills with her as giving head was the only way I could get her to cum. Contrary to Sarah, Maria couldn't come during penetration, except when touching herself in the process. We did discover one way to get her to come: through anal sex. We tried it for the first time one year into our relationship, and to her surprise she loved it. It allowed her better access to her clit which she would rub while I fucked her from behind (carefully as not to hurt her, and increasingly faster as she neared climax).
What became daily sex turned to every other day sex after a few months, then twice a week sex after 6 months, then weekly sex after a year , every other week sex after two years, once a month sex in our last year, and barely no sex at all in the last few months together. I don't feel like going into the details, except to say that I was very frustrated about this degradation, and tried very hard to fix things, going out of my way to be understanding, to try different approachers, communicating, and seeking professional help. It didn't work, and it affected our lives. Eventually, as I felt she gave up on our relationship, I waited for things to die off and they did. We mutually agreed to split after 4 years together, and after some tense moments in the months that followed, we're now good friends.
I don't regret my relationship with Maria at all. I've never felt as loved as I was with Maria in the first two years together, and I've never been as close to someone in my life. Those who read my previous blog probably remember my frustrations, and there many. I believe this relationship taught me a lot, and I can take a lot of things from it for the next time I meet someone with whom I'll have a serious and loving relationship.
As I said, we're good friends now, but every time I see her I remember why we split. Something just wasn't there anymore, and I'm glad we moved on but remained friends.
I haven't a real girlfriend since Maria. I started to with #8, Clara, but it was only a beginning. Still, the breakup with #8 was much harder than any other breakup I've experienced, however brief our stay together was.
#4 Maria
Maria is the one true love that I had. We met when I was 23, and she was 18. Maria was (and still is) gorgeous. Spanish roots, long and thick brown hair, small hazel eyes, amazing luscious lips, great smile, tiny waist, curvy hips, 5'3, clear and soft skin. Maria was also a brain, currently in her last year of med school. We stayed together 4 years, during 1.5 years of those years I was finishing college, but still saw each other during summer and winter breaks during that period.
Our relationship can pretty much be summed up into 2 parts. The first 2 years, and the last 2. The first two years were magical. We were in love, we were thinking of building a future together, and everything was going great.
The sex with Maria was great in our first year. She was more open than Sarah in quite a few domains. She gave better blow jobs, and quite open. Sex got increasingly better at first, as we got to discover each other's bodies, and get familiar with what turned each other on and so forth. I got to experience my first doggystyle experience with her, which quickly became one of our standard positions. I also got to perfect my oral skills with her as giving head was the only way I could get her to cum. Contrary to Sarah, Maria couldn't come during penetration, except when touching herself in the process. We did discover one way to get her to come: through anal sex. We tried it for the first time one year into our relationship, and to her surprise she loved it. It allowed her better access to her clit which she would rub while I fucked her from behind (carefully as not to hurt her, and increasingly faster as she neared climax).
What became daily sex turned to every other day sex after a few months, then twice a week sex after 6 months, then weekly sex after a year , every other week sex after two years, once a month sex in our last year, and barely no sex at all in the last few months together. I don't feel like going into the details, except to say that I was very frustrated about this degradation, and tried very hard to fix things, going out of my way to be understanding, to try different approachers, communicating, and seeking professional help. It didn't work, and it affected our lives. Eventually, as I felt she gave up on our relationship, I waited for things to die off and they did. We mutually agreed to split after 4 years together, and after some tense moments in the months that followed, we're now good friends.
I don't regret my relationship with Maria at all. I've never felt as loved as I was with Maria in the first two years together, and I've never been as close to someone in my life. Those who read my previous blog probably remember my frustrations, and there many. I believe this relationship taught me a lot, and I can take a lot of things from it for the next time I meet someone with whom I'll have a serious and loving relationship.
As I said, we're good friends now, but every time I see her I remember why we split. Something just wasn't there anymore, and I'm glad we moved on but remained friends.
I haven't a real girlfriend since Maria. I started to with #8, Clara, but it was only a beginning. Still, the breakup with #8 was much harder than any other breakup I've experienced, however brief our stay together was.
My life today
Because of the nature of this blog and its sexual content, I'm trying to keep some level of anonymity. Nevertheless, I don't want this blog to be a simple account of my sex life, past & future (I have no sex life in the present). I'm hoping this can be a journal for me, and a good read for some of you people out there.
Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.
I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.
The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.
Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.
I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.
The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.
Monday, July 30, 2007
possible #9 ?
I still have to write about #4 to #8, but today's events are causing me to get back to the present and type it out. So without going into detail, here are a couple facts: I'm single, and no one is on my radar. I'd love for someone to be on my mind right now (aside from my ex: my 8th sex partner, aka #8, aka Clara). In fact, I would love to fall in love right now and start something fresh, new, romantic, hot and happy. But my current situation just won't allow it, or at least I'm not feeling it happening currently or in the very near future. So instead I'm searching for something easier to target, a fuck buddy or a fling. Realizing that it's been 3 months since I've had sex and that I really miss it, I spontaneously decided to IM a girl I know who isn't very attractive, not my type at all, but with whom I had very hot cybersex one drunken night. I hadn't had cybersex since my teen years, as it's mostly a frustrating and sad act imo, but this one night I was just that, extremely frustrated and sad about my situation with Clara, and decided to let go of my desires with this scandinavian girl which we will call Petra. Petra had mentioned previously that she was having a hard time finding a fuck buddy in The City. I would've jumped on the occasion (even though I'm not very attracted to her) had I not been involved with Clara, but as it happened I was madly in love with her, and couldn't bring myself to cheat on her, even though #8 and I weren't a true item. In fact, Clara would even encourage me to go see other girls. More about that and about the girl who broke my heart in future posts.
Anyway, back to Petra. As I was drunk, hard, stroking my shaft with one hand and typing dirty thoughts with the other, Petra began to really reveal herself as a very hot, horny and naughty girl. I let go my dirtiest side to her, mainly because I wasn't fearing her reaction. I didn't care if she was thinking that I was going too far, I simply wanted to let go of that terrible sexual tension which #8 was causing me, and I let it all go on Petra through the amazing vessel that is the internet, and msn messenger. In our cyber adventure, I pumped Petra against the wall, against every furniture piece in the room, in the butt and finally came all over her large breasts (her best asset). Petra would later write that she might just have to call a cab for me to come over and put the practice what we had just done in the virtual world. After our session she said: "too bad you're taken". I didn't insist, as I didn't want to break the the exclusivity of my heart and cock for Clara.
Fast forward to today, 3 months later, and after weeks of crying over #8, Petra suddenly pops up on MSN. I IMed her and in 5 minutes I managed to pull off a possible sex date. She said that sounded nice, but that she had to clear her mind a little (she has just gone through her own breakup). #9 would qualify as definite rebound sex, and possible fuck buddy sex. Either way it should be very naughty sex, as Petra clearly is a very naughty girl.
In the meantime, I don't want to get my hopes too high as she hasn't responded completely positively. But there certainly is hope!
Still tonight I am left pretty sad as I've been hoping to see an out town girl this week to show her around the city and my apartment as she might be subletting it next month. But something tells me she got freaked out at my last e-mail. I was being especially attentive and polite, and I fear I must have seemed desperate to meet her (I don't know her but she seems quite hot on her profile photo). I'm kicking myself for being way too attentive in my message, basically telling her I could meet her where convenient, that i could show her around the city and help with practical stuff, etc, etc. I kept a very casual tone and the message was very proper, but now I can totally see how she must be thinking "whoa, ok waaaaaay too much reaching out for a guy I don't even know". Maybe I'm overreacting but I fear I've entered the Follow me I'll avoid you, - Avoid me and I will avoid you territory. In this case being the follower. Damn it! I hate this fucking reality that when you try to be nice and attentive you end up being ignored and when you act like a fucking ass hole you're being chased. It's so fucking true too. Most times I am the one being avoided, because I'm basically a nice guy and not a prick, but I have experienced being the one chased. It was with #5, a 40 year old co-worker. I'll write about that soon.
Anyway, bed time for me. Pray for me that I will get lucky this week.
Anyway, back to Petra. As I was drunk, hard, stroking my shaft with one hand and typing dirty thoughts with the other, Petra began to really reveal herself as a very hot, horny and naughty girl. I let go my dirtiest side to her, mainly because I wasn't fearing her reaction. I didn't care if she was thinking that I was going too far, I simply wanted to let go of that terrible sexual tension which #8 was causing me, and I let it all go on Petra through the amazing vessel that is the internet, and msn messenger. In our cyber adventure, I pumped Petra against the wall, against every furniture piece in the room, in the butt and finally came all over her large breasts (her best asset). Petra would later write that she might just have to call a cab for me to come over and put the practice what we had just done in the virtual world. After our session she said: "too bad you're taken". I didn't insist, as I didn't want to break the the exclusivity of my heart and cock for Clara.
Fast forward to today, 3 months later, and after weeks of crying over #8, Petra suddenly pops up on MSN. I IMed her and in 5 minutes I managed to pull off a possible sex date. She said that sounded nice, but that she had to clear her mind a little (she has just gone through her own breakup). #9 would qualify as definite rebound sex, and possible fuck buddy sex. Either way it should be very naughty sex, as Petra clearly is a very naughty girl.
In the meantime, I don't want to get my hopes too high as she hasn't responded completely positively. But there certainly is hope!
Still tonight I am left pretty sad as I've been hoping to see an out town girl this week to show her around the city and my apartment as she might be subletting it next month. But something tells me she got freaked out at my last e-mail. I was being especially attentive and polite, and I fear I must have seemed desperate to meet her (I don't know her but she seems quite hot on her profile photo). I'm kicking myself for being way too attentive in my message, basically telling her I could meet her where convenient, that i could show her around the city and help with practical stuff, etc, etc. I kept a very casual tone and the message was very proper, but now I can totally see how she must be thinking "whoa, ok waaaaaay too much reaching out for a guy I don't even know". Maybe I'm overreacting but I fear I've entered the Follow me I'll avoid you, - Avoid me and I will avoid you territory. In this case being the follower. Damn it! I hate this fucking reality that when you try to be nice and attentive you end up being ignored and when you act like a fucking ass hole you're being chased. It's so fucking true too. Most times I am the one being avoided, because I'm basically a nice guy and not a prick, but I have experienced being the one chased. It was with #5, a 40 year old co-worker. I'll write about that soon.
Anyway, bed time for me. Pray for me that I will get lucky this week.
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