I once had a blog 3 years ago that started after my relationship with Maria started to turn sour, mainly sexually speaking. I took down the blog 2 years ago, after Maria and I broke up, and I no longer felt the need or the desire to keep writing.
#4 Maria
Maria is the one true love that I had. We met when I was 23, and she was 18. Maria was (and still is) gorgeous. Spanish roots, long and thick brown hair, small hazel eyes, amazing luscious lips, great smile, tiny waist, curvy hips, 5'3, clear and soft skin. Maria was also a brain, currently in her last year of med school. We stayed together 4 years, during 1.5 years of those years I was finishing college, but still saw each other during summer and winter breaks during that period.
Our relationship can pretty much be summed up into 2 parts. The first 2 years, and the last 2. The first two years were magical. We were in love, we were thinking of building a future together, and everything was going great.
The sex with Maria was great in our first year. She was more open than Sarah in quite a few domains. She gave better blow jobs, and quite open. Sex got increasingly better at first, as we got to discover each other's bodies, and get familiar with what turned each other on and so forth. I got to experience my first doggystyle experience with her, which quickly became one of our standard positions. I also got to perfect my oral skills with her as giving head was the only way I could get her to cum. Contrary to Sarah, Maria couldn't come during penetration, except when touching herself in the process. We did discover one way to get her to come: through anal sex. We tried it for the first time one year into our relationship, and to her surprise she loved it. It allowed her better access to her clit which she would rub while I fucked her from behind (carefully as not to hurt her, and increasingly faster as she neared climax).
What became daily sex turned to every other day sex after a few months, then twice a week sex after 6 months, then weekly sex after a year , every other week sex after two years, once a month sex in our last year, and barely no sex at all in the last few months together. I don't feel like going into the details, except to say that I was very frustrated about this degradation, and tried very hard to fix things, going out of my way to be understanding, to try different approachers, communicating, and seeking professional help. It didn't work, and it affected our lives. Eventually, as I felt she gave up on our relationship, I waited for things to die off and they did. We mutually agreed to split after 4 years together, and after some tense moments in the months that followed, we're now good friends.
I don't regret my relationship with Maria at all. I've never felt as loved as I was with Maria in the first two years together, and I've never been as close to someone in my life. Those who read my previous blog probably remember my frustrations, and there many. I believe this relationship taught me a lot, and I can take a lot of things from it for the next time I meet someone with whom I'll have a serious and loving relationship.
As I said, we're good friends now, but every time I see her I remember why we split. Something just wasn't there anymore, and I'm glad we moved on but remained friends.
I haven't a real girlfriend since Maria. I started to with #8, Clara, but it was only a beginning. Still, the breakup with #8 was much harder than any other breakup I've experienced, however brief our stay together was.
Showing posts with label Life Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Love. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
My life today
Because of the nature of this blog and its sexual content, I'm trying to keep some level of anonymity. Nevertheless, I don't want this blog to be a simple account of my sex life, past & future (I have no sex life in the present). I'm hoping this can be a journal for me, and a good read for some of you people out there.
Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.
I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.
The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.
Basic facts about me: I'm half American and half European. I grew up in Europe, went to college in the US, and am now back living in Europe. I'm a pretty normal guy. I have decent looks but I'm not a stud. I can be very shy, but I do have very good social skills. I have many friends around Europe and in the US, but I haven't had many lovers. I think most girls see me as the good friend type. People confide in me easily, and I'm very open about life, my troubles, my insecurities to people I trust, and even people I don't trust. I'm a bit too much of a nice guy. I try too hard to control everything around me. I'm not a control freak, but rather a moderation freak. I take it upon myself to make sure that everything and everyone around me is in order and nothing and problem free. I suffer a great deal as a result, because I rarely deal with my own needs and wishes. Paradoxically, I feel very sorry for myself most of the time and spend a great deal of time thinking about how I'm not satisfied with my life, and trying to figure out what it is I want in life.
I've suffered from depression for more than a decade. I've had 5 big depression episodes in my life. At 18, 20, 22, 28 and the latest happening 3 months ago at 29. The last crisis happened after I couldn't bring myself to go to work, causing a nervous breakdown and the end of my stint in a large corporate company in the city I live in, which I will refer to as "The City" from now on. The City is not well known but not that big. It's not London. I was dumped the day after my breakdown by my then gf: girl #8, Clara. The double fiasco threw me into the worst depressive episode of my life. Up until two weeks ago I was crying every single day, for several hours, and seriously considering giving up on life and jumping off a bridge. I felt absolutely no hope in getting better and living "a normal decent life". I'm on medical leave from work, so I'm not really doing anything right now except taking time to get better. I'm on pretty heavy medication for my depression and I'm working on living a less stressful life by leading a healthier life (less alcohol, no more weed, less partying) and reading personal development articles and books. Those combined elements have helped me out tremendously, and I'm now doing much better than I was 2 weeks ago only. I still get very down, but I can get through the day fairly easily, whereas before I would cringe at the idea of waking up and having to face hours of anxiety and misery. I feel that I'm 70% recovered, and would like to get to 100% as quickly as possible, but every time I think I'm ready to get back into active life, I end up falling down harder right after, so I'm being more patient and cautious in my daily routine now. It makes for a pretty boring life, which is why I've decided to start a blog. I love writing but it's something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
At times I feel quite confident, other times I feel very insecure. Right now I'm feeling rather insecure, but that's slowly starting to change. I believe a fling would help me a lot. I haven't felt good about my masculinity in a long time. Girl #8, Clara, contributed to that insecurity a lot, even if ultimately it was my own fear of not being good enough for her that failed me. Realistically, it would have never worked out between the two of us.
The change in tone from my last message is pretty typical from me. Yesterday I was feeling chipper and hyper, today I'm feeling a bit down and melancholic. I felt awful this morning and popped a sleeping pill to get 4 additional hours of sleep. It's 3pm now, and I am feeling better.
Monday, July 30, 2007
#3 Sarah
My first two experiences were an introduction to sex. A decent introduction, but both were brief and left some unanswered questions: "can i make a woman cum?", "will i have a steady relationship with a girl", "what is like to having sex without a condom?", "what is it like to have a complete blowjob?". All those questions would be answered with Sarah.
#3 Sarah
Sarah was a friend from high school. We weren't close in high school, but we got along fine and more or less were part of the same crowd. We became closer after high school, mainly communicating by e-mail. As things didn't really work out with Adriana, I began to spend more time with Sarah, and eventually we went on a road trip together along with another friend. Nothing happened during the trip but upon returning from it we hung out even more until the inevitable happened, we made out and on that same night headed to her flat. I innocently thought we would simply make out more and sleep (as we went to her place to spend the night) but as soon as I got in bed she wrapped her legs around me and we got things going.
That night was amazing. Lots of unanswered questions were answered. First of all, it lasted for what seemed like hours. It was probably about an hour in reality. We had no condoms so no penetration, which was probably even better because it resulted in more foreplay. It was very hot! She wasn't a knock out but I had always been attracted to her. She had luscious lips, nice breasts, soft skin, about 5'3. She really turned me on, and I had often fantasized about fucking her while in high school. It was almost a dream becoming reality. I was finally fucking someone I know and for whom I had a thing for for a while! I don't remember giving her head that night, but I made her cum three times. It was unlike anything I had experiences before, seeing her body react to my fingers rubbing her pussy lips and clit while wrapping each other up into one big naked ball. My cock stayed hard for the whole time, waiting to finally release it's load. Finally she came down on me, and gave me my first real complete blow job. It was absolutely amazing. I remember it so vividly. I lying on back and she was lying next to sideways, with one leg wrapping me and her head towards my hard dick sucking it constant speed while stroking my shaft in the same motion. As I moaned in pleasure she intensified the rhythm. As I felt my dick was ready to burst, my body tensed up and Sarah did not stop or remove her mouth, which caught me a bit by surprise. Would she actually let me cum in her mouth?
The release was amazing. Sarah kept her sucking me until I felt the first of several spurts shoot into her mouth at blazing rate. The first load almost made her gasp, but she kept my cock in her mouth until the very last drop. I couldn't see what was going on as the back of her was blocking my view, but when she came up to kiss me, I could see no cum on my belly or around my dick. She had swallowed every drop of my semen to my amazement! I hadn't pictured her as the swallowing type at all.
I continued seeing Sarah after that, and we stayed together for a year. We were often apart during that time as I returned to the US that fall for school but she visited, I saw her for x-mas break and spring break, as well as the early part of the following summer. During that time we had sex a lot, and it was mostly great. I finally got to give head to a girl and make her cum. She came almost every time we had sex, mostly in missionary position. She gave me quite a few blowjobs but stopped swallowing, instead spitting back my semen on my belly most of the time. Even though she was very open in some areas of sex, she was rather closed on others, such as taking her doggystyle (we she felt was too submissive) or looking at me during blow jobs, hiding instead with the back of her head facing me. She didn't like to be watched during the act, and often closed her eyes during sex. She wasn't very naughty in bed, but on the + side she came very easily, and seemed very satisfied by me, even saying I was the best lover she had been with (not necessarily true but still comforting for the ego) and definitely that she had her strongest orgasm with me, which I believe to be true by the way she screamed during the act which happened on my couch in the US, wither her top flat against me while I held her hips and guiding her against my pumping cock.
We split up that following summer but managed to have post break-up sex for a few weeks after. Some of the best sex actually. I had anal sex with her during that period, which left her in tears as I hit a spot a little too roughly. She mentioned that she was enjoying it until that point. I would get to have more anal sex after that with other partners. One of the perks of not having a large cock is that girls are more likely to give it a try, fearing less that it will hurt!
Overall sex was very good with Sarah, but it would be even better with my next partner with whom I stayed for 4 years, staying faithful the whole time. That story will come in the next post.
#3 Sarah
Sarah was a friend from high school. We weren't close in high school, but we got along fine and more or less were part of the same crowd. We became closer after high school, mainly communicating by e-mail. As things didn't really work out with Adriana, I began to spend more time with Sarah, and eventually we went on a road trip together along with another friend. Nothing happened during the trip but upon returning from it we hung out even more until the inevitable happened, we made out and on that same night headed to her flat. I innocently thought we would simply make out more and sleep (as we went to her place to spend the night) but as soon as I got in bed she wrapped her legs around me and we got things going.
That night was amazing. Lots of unanswered questions were answered. First of all, it lasted for what seemed like hours. It was probably about an hour in reality. We had no condoms so no penetration, which was probably even better because it resulted in more foreplay. It was very hot! She wasn't a knock out but I had always been attracted to her. She had luscious lips, nice breasts, soft skin, about 5'3. She really turned me on, and I had often fantasized about fucking her while in high school. It was almost a dream becoming reality. I was finally fucking someone I know and for whom I had a thing for for a while! I don't remember giving her head that night, but I made her cum three times. It was unlike anything I had experiences before, seeing her body react to my fingers rubbing her pussy lips and clit while wrapping each other up into one big naked ball. My cock stayed hard for the whole time, waiting to finally release it's load. Finally she came down on me, and gave me my first real complete blow job. It was absolutely amazing. I remember it so vividly. I lying on back and she was lying next to sideways, with one leg wrapping me and her head towards my hard dick sucking it constant speed while stroking my shaft in the same motion. As I moaned in pleasure she intensified the rhythm. As I felt my dick was ready to burst, my body tensed up and Sarah did not stop or remove her mouth, which caught me a bit by surprise. Would she actually let me cum in her mouth?
The release was amazing. Sarah kept her sucking me until I felt the first of several spurts shoot into her mouth at blazing rate. The first load almost made her gasp, but she kept my cock in her mouth until the very last drop. I couldn't see what was going on as the back of her was blocking my view, but when she came up to kiss me, I could see no cum on my belly or around my dick. She had swallowed every drop of my semen to my amazement! I hadn't pictured her as the swallowing type at all.
I continued seeing Sarah after that, and we stayed together for a year. We were often apart during that time as I returned to the US that fall for school but she visited, I saw her for x-mas break and spring break, as well as the early part of the following summer. During that time we had sex a lot, and it was mostly great. I finally got to give head to a girl and make her cum. She came almost every time we had sex, mostly in missionary position. She gave me quite a few blowjobs but stopped swallowing, instead spitting back my semen on my belly most of the time. Even though she was very open in some areas of sex, she was rather closed on others, such as taking her doggystyle (we she felt was too submissive) or looking at me during blow jobs, hiding instead with the back of her head facing me. She didn't like to be watched during the act, and often closed her eyes during sex. She wasn't very naughty in bed, but on the + side she came very easily, and seemed very satisfied by me, even saying I was the best lover she had been with (not necessarily true but still comforting for the ego) and definitely that she had her strongest orgasm with me, which I believe to be true by the way she screamed during the act which happened on my couch in the US, wither her top flat against me while I held her hips and guiding her against my pumping cock.
We split up that following summer but managed to have post break-up sex for a few weeks after. Some of the best sex actually. I had anal sex with her during that period, which left her in tears as I hit a spot a little too roughly. She mentioned that she was enjoying it until that point. I would get to have more anal sex after that with other partners. One of the perks of not having a large cock is that girls are more likely to give it a try, fearing less that it will hurt!
Overall sex was very good with Sarah, but it would be even better with my next partner with whom I stayed for 4 years, staying faithful the whole time. That story will come in the next post.
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